Stylish alternatives to living on the street.

Just because you’re totally broke doesn’t mean you have to abandon the dream of living somewhere spacious, beautiful, architecturally important and very expensive. I'm talking about living under a bridge.

The right bridge can provide excellent shelter as well as reflect your taste and status. And unlike your current housing set up, a good bridge comes with access to free running water, weekly janitorial service and maintenance, not to mention public transportation virtually right outside your front door. The ubiqutous tollbooths make living under a bridge the closest thing to a gated community you can get for $0/month.

Here are some examples of what's available around the country:

New York City: Pre-war classic.. This 3460 foot granite and steel suspension bridge offers spectacular views of Manhattan and Brooklyn. Easy access to the arts, fine scavenging, upscale shoplifting as well as some very nice parks and public spaces. Built in 1883, for 18million dollars (which was nothing to sneeze at back then), the original details are still intact, a little TLC will make it sparkle. Perfect location for Wall Streeters.
Florida: Post modern masterpiece. 29,040 feet of steel and concrete, the sunshine skyway bridge is for those who like their clean spacious design with a little edge. Completed in 1987 this beauty offers classic suspension construction coupled with dramatic details and views of Ft. Lauderdale and Bradenburg. With several golf courses nearby, year around sunshine and easy access to decent healthcare in the Caribbean and Mexico, this is an excellent place to retire.

Northern California: Views, views, views.. no matter where you're standing on this 8981 ft icon of steel and concrete, you'll have a spectacular view (except when the fog rolls in). Designed by Robert Straus in 1937, the Golden Gate bridge is now one of the most coveted pieces of real estate in America. Residents enjoy nature in the nearby Marin County public spaces as well as partake in the lavishly filled dumpsters in the city.

Chesapeake Bay: $200 million marvel of engineering.The Chesapeake Bay Bridge is the bridge equivalent of the Neverland ranch. A massive 89760 feet of steel and concrete, it dips over and under open waters with a complex chain of artificial islands, tunnels and bridges. This 200 million dollar futuristic wonder spans four separate states, convenient for anyone anticipating trouble with the local authorities.

Minnesota: Charming 19th century fixer upper. If you prefer rustic charm to grandeur and don't mind cold winters, this could be the bridge for you. The Archstone Bridge in Minneapolis consists of 2176 feet of native granite and limestone. Converted from a railroad bridge in 1965, 26 well-placed arches add character and warmth. As a pedestrian bridge and historic landmark, it's a great place to panhandle --just think, no more commuting!

A guide to world bridges for impoverished expats is coming soon. Suggestions and recommendations are always appreciated.

Finding relief in public restrooms

Remember the good old days when buying staples like ipods and $60 miracle lip plumper went without thinking?

Understandably, it's a bit of a shock to find yourself standing perplexed in the dry goods aisle calculating which toilet paper brand comes out best on a cost per sheet basis, factored with the ply and estimated absorbency ratio. Quilting isn't even an option.

Here’s a little known secret to help you cope: there’s unsecured toilet paper, paper towels, light bulbs and possibly even soaps, fine linens and spare change out there that are yours for the taking. You just need to keep your eyes open and plan ahead. And by plan ahead, I mean carry a large empty bag with you at all times.

Sadly, the genteel practice of laying out fine linens, soaps, perfumes and lotions with an attendant and change dish in public restrooms is dying fast. A few hoity-toity clubs you can no longer afford to join and Belgium still have these amenities.

If you're lucky enough to be visiting a hoity-toity club or Belgium, distract the attendant, by making horrible sound effects while in the stall. When she's checking out the damage, shove everything in the bag and run. Chances are the attendant will be too old to catch you. And since most restrooms aren't equipped with alarms, you'll have no problem getting away with your Bounty, Charmin or Scott).

The bright side of living in an restroom attendant-free society is that stocking up on the basic staples (ie: TP, light bulbs) is a breeze.

If you're a stickler for quality, your best bet is four and five star hotels. If you’re near one, stop in. Enjoy the interior design, watch the people, use the bathroom. Take all the toilet paper you can from the stall and put it in your bag. If nobody is around, repeat the procedure in every stall and proceed to the paper towels, or luxurious hand linens if the hotel is four or five star. (guide to free luxury products from hotel maid carts, spas and gyms coming soon.)

If the light bulbs in the rest room are compatible with your fixtures, take them. If they're not compatible, take the fixtures as well. Always make sure to turn off the lights for several minutes before attempting to take bulbs. If you're in a hurry, wear gloves or pot holders which will also help if you're worried about fingerprints.

If you don't live near any luxury hotels, you can make due with gyms, libraries, hospitals, museums (go on the day admission is free), police stations…virtually any public facility. Don’t feel guilty. You paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxes over the years. The least you could get out of it is a little free toilet paper. It’s not like you’re asking for a $700 billion bailout or anything.

If you have friends who still have jobs, visit them at their office. (detailed guide to fabulous free items from office kitchens and supply rooms coming soon).You wouldn’t believe the riches you can find in an office restroom. Possibly even tampons, depending on the industry. Forget any moral qualms you might have. Chances are your friend works for some huge multi-national corporation that has received millions in tax breaks and incentives and is about to fire your friend to help with their bottom line despite the huge amounts their executives get paid in salary, perks and bonuses. Dick Cheney is probably a stockholder in the company. Take everything that's not bolted down.

If you're anything like me, you've probably spent most of your life avoiding public restrooms. But once you open your mind and eyes, you'll realize opportunity is everywhere. Seize it. Just make sure nobody is watching.

Warning: Do not attempt if you have a wide stance.

An undervalued asset in tough times

In a volatile economic market I can think of no better cushion (aside from cash) than duct tape. And the good news is, you probably already have some lying around from when you stocked up after 9/11.

Aside from it’s obvious usefulness as an anti-terrorist tool, duct tape is one of those simple products that fulfill a wide variety of needs, (kind of like cheap vodka).

Naturally, it serves all the adhesive functions more costly Scotch and masking tapes do, but because of it’s strength, duct tape does so much more.

This invaluable tape seals your home, refrigerator box, tent or garbage bag from inclement weather and noxious fumes. But that’s only the beginning.

It’ also can be used to fix shoes, coats, hems and handbags. And if your “vintage” Pradas are beyond repair, you can use duct tape to fashion a brand new pair of flip flops.(click for guide to making flip flops out of duct tape)

If you’re loathe to carry your worldly possessions in generic shopping bags, use this miracle tape to repair the tears in your old Hermes, Gucci and Prada shopping bags. Or try making your own personal statement with a handmade duct tape bag. Use it to waterproof the sofa that someone threw out on the street. You can even make a wallet if you’re feeling lucky. Go crazy, metallic is in. (click to learn more tricks with duct tape)

Duct tape can also substitute for thousands of dollars in cosmetic procedures and expensive foundations and undergarments.

For example, if you’re noticing a little sagging along the neck and jowl lines, simply pull the lose skin behind your neck and duct tape it back there. Use this method for whatever parts are sagging (ie breasts, buttocks, underarms and thighs. Hint: shave the area you affix the tape to in order to avoid unnecessary pain should you ever decide to remove the duct tape.

In short, duct tape is probably one of the few investments you made over the past 10 years that’s worth anything today. There’s no better time to reap the dividends.

Keeping up appearances--revising your beauty regimen

Probably the most jarring thing about going broke is the effect it can have on your appearance.

Imagine the horror of realizing that those one inch grey roots you’re sporting aren’t going away and you can’t afford to continue paying Monsieur Groovy Pants 120.00 plus tips to fix it. Needless to say, the panic and loneliness are mind bending.

Or worse, imagine those doggone elevens between your eyebrows come back and you start to look as worried as you really are. What do you tell the children?

But poverty really doesn’t have to age you if you’re creative.

If you have scientific tendencies, you can always grow your own botulism toxin. In fact, you may already have some. Check any old jam and jelly jars in your refrigerator (if you still have one). Cans that are bulging can be good sources. (link to source that helps identify cans and jars that may contain botulism). (Link to self-injection tips)

Cut and dye your own hair. Give yourself some really heavy bangs if you feel uneasy using homemade botox.

Sure, it’s a little scary, dying your hair for the first time. But if you’ve watched a few episodes of “Shear Genius”, you probably know all you need to know.

Consider the advantages: Trying new things keeps you young; the rush of fearful adrenaline is exhirating (particularly now that you can’t afford coffee); styling your own hair is one of the few creative outlets you can afford to pursue (if you still own scissors). And the beauty of doing your own hair is, if you screw up, it’ll grow back, unlike your retirement account.

Which leads to the beauty and splendor of scarves. Chances are, you’ve still got a few designer scarves tucked away somewhere in the bottom of your drawer. Now’s the time to dig them out. In a pinch, an old pashmina or Ikea dish towel will do.

Here are a few examples of how a scarf can take years off your appearance:

A screwed up haircut can be camouflaged by creative use of the head scarf. (click for tips on head scarf wrapping that doesn’t make you look like a chemo patient, hippie or mammie).

Say you’ve finally scraped the last molecule from your $500 dollar Kanebo neck cream, and your neck is starting to resemble a sharpei, and you’ve already sold all your cashmere turtlenecks on ebay.

Of course, the scarf can also be used to mask other cosmetic issues such as deflating lips, the “elevens” between the brows, even crows feet and drooping eyelids. Use your discretion to determine how liberally you wish to apply your scarf. Always make sure the designer logo is in plain sight. It’ll make you look classier.

Considering real estate options

Judging by the” for sale”, “for rent” and foreclosure signs that are now dotting the landscape with more frequency than Starbucks, I forsee a land with many empty houses and lots of people sleeping in the street. So buck up, you’re not alone.

And while it’s pretty depressing, it does present an opportunity. Once all these people get forced out of their homes, there will be lots of very nice places to squat. Keep your eyes open and be prepared to move in quickly.

But lets assume the worst…you won’t be able to find an available place to squat when you’re finally evicted from your residence.

If your car hasn’t been repossessed, it’s always an option. Maybe Ford had the right idea by making all those huge gas guzzling beasts. They may have driven us into bankruptcy, but they’re easily converted into real estate. You’ll be surprised at how many meals can be prepared using the cigarette lighter (will provide link to recipes that can be prepared with a car lighter). It may take hours to prepare a grilled cheese sandwich, but it’s not like you have a job anymore.

Or follow the innovative example of the impoverished Egyptians in Cairo who have converted a graveyard of ancient tombs into a bustling village. A lot of those tombs are probably nicer and more spacious than my NYC apartment. Some are even rigged to get free cable and wifi. Check to see if there are any nice Mausoleum communities in your area. If there aren’t, consider starting one.

There’s also the tried and true option of the refrigerator box. But remember, as demand rises, it’ll become harder and harder to trade up. This is no time to settle. Try to find that sub zero now, even if it takes a little longer. And when you find it, grab it without hesitation. There are several people already interested in you dream refridgerator box and who knows when you’ll find another one you like half as much.

If you have 100 bucks or so a month to spare, you might want to consider renting a storage container. 10x10 is enough for a bed and minifridge. Not recommended for anyone who suffers from claustrophobia, it’s a great option if you’re broke, but really need to live in a gated community

What to do for exercise now that you had to cancel your gym membership

Look on the bright side. They’ll probably be repossessing your car any day now -- you’ll be getting lots of exercise walking everywhere.

If you’ve responded to your recent poverty by staying in bed, there are several easy exercises that are actually more productive while under the covers. Leg lifts are particularly useful if you’re under a heavy comforter or bed spread, strengthening and toning both the calves, thighs, buttocks and in some cases abs..

I know it sounds like hard work. But you'll thank me if something happens to draw you out of bed. You wouldn't want the firemen thinking you’ve let yourself go.

Shoplifting hints

Shoplifting isn’t for everyone. If you’re young and not white, it’s probably risky, as you’re already under suspicion. But if you’re white, not talking to yourself, semi-respectable looking and over 40 (especially a female) ,nobody will be paying attention to you anyways, so the coast is clear.

As someone who has accidently shoplifted several hats simply because she forgot to take them off when leaving the store, my first bit of advice is, to put whatever it is you’re shoplifting on your head. Nobody will notice . Even with the price tag hanging out and the anti-theft alarm blaring.

Like any endeavor (and misdemeanor), you want to maximize your earnings. So be thoughtful in your shoplifting choices. Instead of shoplifting the generic brand of ibuprofen, always go for the most expensive brand name possible. Or say you need some aromatheraputic essential oils to help you with your depression. Instead of shoplifting the $3.49 citrus oil, go for the $34 ylang ylang. They both elevate your mood, but the ylang-ylang also elevates your theoretical earnings. In other words, shoplifting is no time to think about being frugal.

Choose your target. Don’t shoplift from the mom and pop stores. They haven’t ruined your life. Stick to companies listed on the DJIA. I find that righteous rage is essential to a successful shoplifting outing.

Keep it casual. It’s always best to shoplift right under their noses. Try to act a little spacey and distracted. Bettter yet, be spacey and distracted. Pay absolutely no attention to what you’re doing. Focus only on the products. If something catches your eye, pick it up. Since you’re so distracted, it wouldn’t be the least surprising if you absently put the Pixie lip plump gloss in #48 into your purse or jacket pocket. Who could blame you? Certainly not the security guard who’s flirting with a cashier.

The “duh manuver” is one of my favorite shoplifting techniques. If you’re actually buying a few things, put the most expensive, largest item, under your arm or in your hand in plain sight. Proceed through check out as if you don’t know it’s there. Nine out of ten times, the cashier won’t notice. In one instance, I got away unnoticed with a 15lb. bag of cat litter under my arm. And while that crystallized cat litter can really add up, I still regret not going for the Toshiba 30” flatscreen. Maybe next time.