The most secure places to put your remaining assets.

Unless all your worldly assets are tied up in cashmere sweaters, Prada or food, chances are, you’ve lost at least lost 40% of your net worth. And no matter where your remaining assets are, you’re probably also deeply in debt. Your main concern right now is to protect what little capital you have left

Some say keep it in the market; now is no time to sell. They argue that sooner or later it’ll go back up again. Aside from the obvious question of whether the upturn will happen in this millennium, what if some emergency expense pops up when the market is at its most volatile? You could wind up selling your entire portfolio to buy a tank of gas when technically, a tank of gas should really cost you half your portfolio. Or what if the market crashes and burns completely, leaving you with no pension and a worthless portfolio?

Some people still prefer the “security” of a large institution for their remaining assets. Most banks offer FDIC protection for deposits under $100,000, so even if the bank goes under, the insurance covers your $100. That’s providing the insurance company doesn’t go under, of course.

You may want to do a rudimentary check to make sure your chosen bank won’t be melting down soon. Extensive research, Googling and common sense should be your guide. My general rule is if a bank has recently sent me a pre-approved credit card offer, they’re a poor risk and will likely go under soon. What kind of idiotic company would extend credit to me? That probably eliminates every bank you’ve ever heard of.

Many banks won’t accept deposits of less than $100. Those that do tend to get a little uppity when presented with a deposit in 20 lbs of rolled pennies. You might get a little more respect and service from a piggy bank, without the fees.

Speaking of fees, if you decide to go the bank route, you must be vigilant. If you’re not paying attention, your $100.00 deposit could become a negative balance in a matter of months. Be prepared to spend at least two working days a month scouring your statements and balances with a fine tooth comb, and then another two working days trying to find the person to talk to, who will return the $44.00 in hidden fees to your account. In other words, you should really be unemployed to make having a bank account a sensible option for your remaining assets..

Which leads to another tried and true option: the mattress. The pros of the mattress are obvious: Unlike a bank account, when you put your money into a mattress, you know you’re also getting a service—a place to sleep. And unlike a bank account, you won’t wake up one morning to find that half your money is missing in service fees (unless you shop in your sleep) .

But the lack of portability can also be considered a plus. Since you can’t carry your mattress around like a debit or credit card, you’ll find it harder to impulsively fritter your life savings away on a mocha frappucino and ant traps.

But in these troubled times, we should be considering new places to put our assets rather than resorting to methods that have been used in the past. Here are a few thoughts:

Stuff it in your bra. If you’ve ever considered breast implants, this could kill two…no, three birds with one stone. If you’re over 40, you can be certain that nobody will ever touch your money but you. And it’s one of the few places left where you have the hope of getting a return on your investment. Rumor has it, that’s where Dolly Parton keeps her assets and even in a lousy economy, they seem to be growing.
If you happen to be male, apply the same concept to your pants.

Diversify—Keep some under the couch cushions, some in various pockets, briefcase, glove compartment, use some as bookmarks. This way, you’ll never lose everything and you get to experience the elation of finding five bucks in your pocket every now and then. It may be the only source of joy you have left.

Buried in a jar in your back yard (if you still have one). It’s safe, cheap and jars are portable. If you must flee the premises suddenly, the jar won’t hinder your escape, unless you can’t remember where you buried it. Make detailed notes or a map.

Booze and guns. Statistics show that even in the deepest darkest depression, booze and guns are always in demand. Stock up while the price is still low and sell when demand peaks. This may be one of the few places to put your money that could earn dividends. And if not, you still have the booze and guns to comfort you.

Finding relief in public restrooms

Remember the good old days when buying staples like ipods and $60 miracle lip plumper went without thinking?

Understandably, it's a bit of a shock to find yourself standing perplexed in the dry goods aisle calculating which toilet paper brand comes out best on a cost per sheet basis, factored with the ply and estimated absorbency ratio. Quilting isn't even an option.

Here’s a little known secret to help you cope: there’s unsecured toilet paper, paper towels, light bulbs and possibly even soaps, fine linens and spare change out there that are yours for the taking. You just need to keep your eyes open and plan ahead. And by plan ahead, I mean carry a large empty bag with you at all times.

Sadly, the genteel practice of laying out fine linens, soaps, perfumes and lotions with an attendant and change dish in public restrooms is dying fast. A few hoity-toity clubs you can no longer afford to join and Belgium still have these amenities.

If you're lucky enough to be visiting a hoity-toity club or Belgium, distract the attendant, by making horrible sound effects while in the stall. When she's checking out the damage, shove everything in the bag and run. Chances are the attendant will be too old to catch you. And since most restrooms aren't equipped with alarms, you'll have no problem getting away with your Bounty, Charmin or Scott).

The bright side of living in an restroom attendant-free society is that stocking up on the basic staples (ie: TP, light bulbs) is a breeze.

If you're a stickler for quality, your best bet is four and five star hotels. If you’re near one, stop in. Enjoy the interior design, watch the people, use the bathroom. Take all the toilet paper you can from the stall and put it in your bag. If nobody is around, repeat the procedure in every stall and proceed to the paper towels, or luxurious hand linens if the hotel is four or five star. (guide to free luxury products from hotel maid carts, spas and gyms coming soon.)

If the light bulbs in the rest room are compatible with your fixtures, take them. If they're not compatible, take the fixtures as well. Always make sure to turn off the lights for several minutes before attempting to take bulbs. If you're in a hurry, wear gloves or pot holders which will also help if you're worried about fingerprints.

If you don't live near any luxury hotels, you can make due with gyms, libraries, hospitals, museums (go on the day admission is free), police stations…virtually any public facility. Don’t feel guilty. You paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxes over the years. The least you could get out of it is a little free toilet paper. It’s not like you’re asking for a $700 billion bailout or anything.

If you have friends who still have jobs, visit them at their office. (detailed guide to fabulous free items from office kitchens and supply rooms coming soon).You wouldn’t believe the riches you can find in an office restroom. Possibly even tampons, depending on the industry. Forget any moral qualms you might have. Chances are your friend works for some huge multi-national corporation that has received millions in tax breaks and incentives and is about to fire your friend to help with their bottom line despite the huge amounts their executives get paid in salary, perks and bonuses. Dick Cheney is probably a stockholder in the company. Take everything that's not bolted down.

If you're anything like me, you've probably spent most of your life avoiding public restrooms. But once you open your mind and eyes, you'll realize opportunity is everywhere. Seize it. Just make sure nobody is watching.

Warning: Do not attempt if you have a wide stance.

An undervalued asset in tough times

In a volatile economic market I can think of no better cushion (aside from cash) than duct tape. And the good news is, you probably already have some lying around from when you stocked up after 9/11.

Aside from it’s obvious usefulness as an anti-terrorist tool, duct tape is one of those simple products that fulfill a wide variety of needs, (kind of like cheap vodka).

Naturally, it serves all the adhesive functions more costly Scotch and masking tapes do, but because of it’s strength, duct tape does so much more.

This invaluable tape seals your home, refrigerator box, tent or garbage bag from inclement weather and noxious fumes. But that’s only the beginning.

It’ also can be used to fix shoes, coats, hems and handbags. And if your “vintage” Pradas are beyond repair, you can use duct tape to fashion a brand new pair of flip flops.(click for guide to making flip flops out of duct tape)

If you’re loathe to carry your worldly possessions in generic shopping bags, use this miracle tape to repair the tears in your old Hermes, Gucci and Prada shopping bags. Or try making your own personal statement with a handmade duct tape bag. Use it to waterproof the sofa that someone threw out on the street. You can even make a wallet if you’re feeling lucky. Go crazy, metallic is in. (click to learn more tricks with duct tape)

Duct tape can also substitute for thousands of dollars in cosmetic procedures and expensive foundations and undergarments.

For example, if you’re noticing a little sagging along the neck and jowl lines, simply pull the lose skin behind your neck and duct tape it back there. Use this method for whatever parts are sagging (ie breasts, buttocks, underarms and thighs. Hint: shave the area you affix the tape to in order to avoid unnecessary pain should you ever decide to remove the duct tape.

In short, duct tape is probably one of the few investments you made over the past 10 years that’s worth anything today. There’s no better time to reap the dividends.