Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Shoplifting hints

Shoplifting isn’t for everyone. If you’re young and not white, it’s probably risky, as you’re already under suspicion. But if you’re white, not talking to yourself, semi-respectable looking and over 40 (especially a female) ,nobody will be paying attention to you anyways, so the coast is clear.

As someone who has accidently shoplifted several hats simply because she forgot to take them off when leaving the store, my first bit of advice is, to put whatever it is you’re shoplifting on your head. Nobody will notice . Even with the price tag hanging out and the anti-theft alarm blaring.

Like any endeavor (and misdemeanor), you want to maximize your earnings. So be thoughtful in your shoplifting choices. Instead of shoplifting the generic brand of ibuprofen, always go for the most expensive brand name possible. Or say you need some aromatheraputic essential oils to help you with your depression. Instead of shoplifting the $3.49 citrus oil, go for the $34 ylang ylang. They both elevate your mood, but the ylang-ylang also elevates your theoretical earnings. In other words, shoplifting is no time to think about being frugal.

Choose your target. Don’t shoplift from the mom and pop stores. They haven’t ruined your life. Stick to companies listed on the DJIA. I find that righteous rage is essential to a successful shoplifting outing.

Keep it casual. It’s always best to shoplift right under their noses. Try to act a little spacey and distracted. Bettter yet, be spacey and distracted. Pay absolutely no attention to what you’re doing. Focus only on the products. If something catches your eye, pick it up. Since you’re so distracted, it wouldn’t be the least surprising if you absently put the Pixie lip plump gloss in #48 into your purse or jacket pocket. Who could blame you? Certainly not the security guard who’s flirting with a cashier.

The “duh manuver” is one of my favorite shoplifting techniques. If you’re actually buying a few things, put the most expensive, largest item, under your arm or in your hand in plain sight. Proceed through check out as if you don’t know it’s there. Nine out of ten times, the cashier won’t notice. In one instance, I got away unnoticed with a 15lb. bag of cat litter under my arm. And while that crystallized cat litter can really add up, I still regret not going for the Toshiba 30” flatscreen. Maybe next time.


  1. funny!

    you should also bring up the fact that most guys chalk that scattered female thing to menopause and anyone over 40 can get away with murder because of it.

    another chapter could be living in your car. with or without pets. (I've actually read a few articles about single women living in their cars in this parking lot in Santa Barbara. There are also tent cities popping up everywhere.)

  2. Just eat your way through the grocery store. Find the buns, add cheese and meat to it. Find the candy bars. Ditto. Soda is easy from the cooler. Get the deep fried chicken and end up with an empty bag.

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