Maintaining a social life while broke

If you’re out of work, or about to be, there’s no better time to get your face out there and circulate. Not a pleasant prospect when you have stress induced cold sores, no clean clothes, haven’t showered in days and the two crowns you glued back in your mouth could fall out any minute because the Elmers isn’t holding. Understandably, you’re not feeling very sociable.
Buck up. There’s no better time in history to be broke, unpresentable and anti-social and still be viable socially and as an employee.

Think about it; with the internet, you can conduct all your significant relationships online, without any costly personal interaction.

Sure, proximity is nice. But face it, every time you leave your place of residence, be it hovel or storage container, it’ll cost you. Of course there’s the emotional toll of trying to look presentable. But the actual financial expense is what kills you. Last time I met a friend for coffee it cost me $76.00. Here’s the breakdown: hair dye 10.00, laundry 8.00, $40.00 for transportation ($5.00 for gas, $35 for the parking ticket); $15.00 for two coffees and a scone; $5.00 for the tiny tin of mints I couldn’t resist near the cash register; $12.00 for a box of godiva chocolates that were also on sale near the cash register -- 66% off, who can beat that? $4.00 for a copy of Allure magazine because it had an article about a miracle beauty treatment (the damn article was about sleep!!!), $75.00 for the pair of shoes in the window of the store next door to the coffee shop.

If you‘re in the mood for a little intelligent conversation and some sort of human connection without spending a cent, brew yourself a cup of Nescafe from the packet you stole from your parents’ hotel room when they were in town and let your fingers do the walking to huffingtonpost.com. There you can discuss the political implications of Sarah Palin’s wardrobe with like-minded intellectuals. Or try the AOL Middle East Affairs message board. You’d be amazed at the friendships you can forge arguing over who started 1967 war. No matter what your interest, Google is your new best friend.

To maintain your most important relationships, Facebook is a fabulous way to stay in touch with all your friends and family who won’t return your phone calls, but care enough to click a link. Imagine, without spending a cent on transportation, grooming, dining, drinking or even a phone call, you can be the first to know that Nick is bored with his job, Al has hemorrhoids (note to self, go to e-cards for appropriate, thoughtful condolence message), lots of people have cute babies and Mike is obviously having a mid-life crisis judging by his excessive use of emoticons. Imagine how much it would have cost to continue this kind of close interaction before the Internet? It would have been impossible.

Or say you’re in the market for a significant other. A few years ago, you would have had to spend countless dollars on grooming, transportation and blender drinks in order to find your soul mate. Now you can find true love on one of the myriad dating sites on the net.

Sure, sooner or later you’ll have to go out and actually meet the object of your affection. But considering that most Internet relationships fail when the couple actually meets, prolonging the courtship for as long as possible makes Internet relationships a win/win/win proposition. Think of the money you’ll save on doctor bills and condoms. One note: beware of sites that have video applications—the last thing you want to worry about is having your true love see you.

So a moment of appreciation to Al Gore for inventing the internet. Thanks to him, as long as you have your 76 Facebook friends, dozens of winks on Match.com and your three fans on Huffington Post, you'll never be alone.

Keeping up appearances--revising your beauty regimen

Probably the most jarring thing about going broke is the effect it can have on your appearance.

Imagine the horror of realizing that those one inch grey roots you’re sporting aren’t going away and you can’t afford to continue paying Monsieur Groovy Pants 120.00 plus tips to fix it. Needless to say, the panic and loneliness are mind bending.

Or worse, imagine those doggone elevens between your eyebrows come back and you start to look as worried as you really are. What do you tell the children?

But poverty really doesn’t have to age you if you’re creative.

If you have scientific tendencies, you can always grow your own botulism toxin. In fact, you may already have some. Check any old jam and jelly jars in your refrigerator (if you still have one). Cans that are bulging can be good sources. (link to source that helps identify cans and jars that may contain botulism). (Link to self-injection tips)

Cut and dye your own hair. Give yourself some really heavy bangs if you feel uneasy using homemade botox.

Sure, it’s a little scary, dying your hair for the first time. But if you’ve watched a few episodes of “Shear Genius”, you probably know all you need to know.

Consider the advantages: Trying new things keeps you young; the rush of fearful adrenaline is exhirating (particularly now that you can’t afford coffee); styling your own hair is one of the few creative outlets you can afford to pursue (if you still own scissors). And the beauty of doing your own hair is, if you screw up, it’ll grow back, unlike your retirement account.

Which leads to the beauty and splendor of scarves. Chances are, you’ve still got a few designer scarves tucked away somewhere in the bottom of your drawer. Now’s the time to dig them out. In a pinch, an old pashmina or Ikea dish towel will do.

Here are a few examples of how a scarf can take years off your appearance:

A screwed up haircut can be camouflaged by creative use of the head scarf. (click for tips on head scarf wrapping that doesn’t make you look like a chemo patient, hippie or mammie).

Say you’ve finally scraped the last molecule from your $500 dollar Kanebo neck cream, and your neck is starting to resemble a sharpei, and you’ve already sold all your cashmere turtlenecks on ebay.

Of course, the scarf can also be used to mask other cosmetic issues such as deflating lips, the “elevens” between the brows, even crows feet and drooping eyelids. Use your discretion to determine how liberally you wish to apply your scarf. Always make sure the designer logo is in plain sight. It’ll make you look classier.

Considering real estate options

Judging by the” for sale”, “for rent” and foreclosure signs that are now dotting the landscape with more frequency than Starbucks, I forsee a land with many empty houses and lots of people sleeping in the street. So buck up, you’re not alone.

And while it’s pretty depressing, it does present an opportunity. Once all these people get forced out of their homes, there will be lots of very nice places to squat. Keep your eyes open and be prepared to move in quickly.

But lets assume the worst…you won’t be able to find an available place to squat when you’re finally evicted from your residence.

If your car hasn’t been repossessed, it’s always an option. Maybe Ford had the right idea by making all those huge gas guzzling beasts. They may have driven us into bankruptcy, but they’re easily converted into real estate. You’ll be surprised at how many meals can be prepared using the cigarette lighter (will provide link to recipes that can be prepared with a car lighter). It may take hours to prepare a grilled cheese sandwich, but it’s not like you have a job anymore.

Or follow the innovative example of the impoverished Egyptians in Cairo who have converted a graveyard of ancient tombs into a bustling village. A lot of those tombs are probably nicer and more spacious than my NYC apartment. Some are even rigged to get free cable and wifi. Check to see if there are any nice Mausoleum communities in your area. If there aren’t, consider starting one.

There’s also the tried and true option of the refrigerator box. But remember, as demand rises, it’ll become harder and harder to trade up. This is no time to settle. Try to find that sub zero now, even if it takes a little longer. And when you find it, grab it without hesitation. There are several people already interested in you dream refridgerator box and who knows when you’ll find another one you like half as much.

If you have 100 bucks or so a month to spare, you might want to consider renting a storage container. 10x10 is enough for a bed and minifridge. Not recommended for anyone who suffers from claustrophobia, it’s a great option if you’re broke, but really need to live in a gated community

Shoplifting hints

Shoplifting isn’t for everyone. If you’re young and not white, it’s probably risky, as you’re already under suspicion. But if you’re white, not talking to yourself, semi-respectable looking and over 40 (especially a female) ,nobody will be paying attention to you anyways, so the coast is clear.

As someone who has accidently shoplifted several hats simply because she forgot to take them off when leaving the store, my first bit of advice is, to put whatever it is you’re shoplifting on your head. Nobody will notice . Even with the price tag hanging out and the anti-theft alarm blaring.

Like any endeavor (and misdemeanor), you want to maximize your earnings. So be thoughtful in your shoplifting choices. Instead of shoplifting the generic brand of ibuprofen, always go for the most expensive brand name possible. Or say you need some aromatheraputic essential oils to help you with your depression. Instead of shoplifting the $3.49 citrus oil, go for the $34 ylang ylang. They both elevate your mood, but the ylang-ylang also elevates your theoretical earnings. In other words, shoplifting is no time to think about being frugal.

Choose your target. Don’t shoplift from the mom and pop stores. They haven’t ruined your life. Stick to companies listed on the DJIA. I find that righteous rage is essential to a successful shoplifting outing.

Keep it casual. It’s always best to shoplift right under their noses. Try to act a little spacey and distracted. Bettter yet, be spacey and distracted. Pay absolutely no attention to what you’re doing. Focus only on the products. If something catches your eye, pick it up. Since you’re so distracted, it wouldn’t be the least surprising if you absently put the Pixie lip plump gloss in #48 into your purse or jacket pocket. Who could blame you? Certainly not the security guard who’s flirting with a cashier.

The “duh manuver” is one of my favorite shoplifting techniques. If you’re actually buying a few things, put the most expensive, largest item, under your arm or in your hand in plain sight. Proceed through check out as if you don’t know it’s there. Nine out of ten times, the cashier won’t notice. In one instance, I got away unnoticed with a 15lb. bag of cat litter under my arm. And while that crystallized cat litter can really add up, I still regret not going for the Toshiba 30” flatscreen. Maybe next time.