Hey government, I'm talking to you!

Admittedly, I've been a little myopic, focusing exclusively on the personal financial struggles of working class Americans like me.

I figured that with the millions of dollars worth of highly paid economic advisors you employ, you'd be able to handle the national recovery without my guidance. Boy, was I wrong.

While the majority of Americans have sacrificed retirement accounts, homes, electricity and protein in the name of fiscal responsibility, you guys are running up our national credit card like you're Real Housewives.

I won't bother retreading old ideas like eliminating tax cuts for the rich, pulling out of a war or two, or bringing health care costs in alignment with the rest of the world because those are no-brainers which will never pass the Senate and Congress.

My suggestions are simple, non-partisan and have been successfully employed by the majority of Americans regardless of race, religion or political persuasion. Now it's your turn.

Entertainment and events

I know we have an image to keep up as a superpower, but I'm sorry, but you're going to have to cut back on state dinners and other costly social events here and abroad. You just can't afford it.

For example: while that lavish state dinner for Prime Minister Singh last year was a delightful diversion from all the trouble and strife in the world for 300 leading citizens of the US and India, it was a ridiculous indulgence in this day and age. Fortunately, modern technology has really made most of that expensive pomp unnecessary.

Next time, invite the Prime Minister and a select 300 people from the arts, politics and sciences to join you in a delicious dinner of Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala ($3.29 in the frozen food aisle) over Skype. It will save the taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars that could go towards cutting the deficit. Since it's a special occasion, I'm sure the taxpayers won't begrudge you some Trader Joe's mango chutney for $2.39 a jar as long as you use what's left over at the Pentagon Christmas party.

If you feel that a face-to-face gathering is crucial to diplomacy, make the dinner pot-luck and use your iPod for entertainment. The same principle can be applied to all summits, conferences, meetings and speeches. YouTube and Skype are free. Use them.

Impulse purchases

Back when I thought I had money, my weakness was cashmere sweaters, whereas yours appears to be advanced weaponry.

Before you spend yet another 30 billion on the latest state of the art Global Hawk killer drone that's almost exactly like the last one you bought, ask yourself this: Do I really need that drone? Will I be any more effective against my enemies with it? Will anyone but me notice the difference? Will it be passé in two weeks? Once the novelty wears off, will it just sit in a hangar gathering dust or lie abandoned in some Pakistan field?

I know you think it's the end of the world if you don't get that drone. You probably believe that without it, you'll become less attractive to your allies, be forced to postpone your withdrawal date and you'll end up a lonely, insecure, ineffectual, bitter, forgotten old woma...I mean, country. But you probably thought the same thing about the last killer drone you just had to have.

If after two months, the drone is still gnawing at you and you still believe the free republic can't survive without it, chances are you'll be able to find it on eBay for half price.

Generating revenue

You may be out of cash and low on credit (until you raise the limit again), but look around you. You have a lot of items you've accumulated over the years that you can sell.

Do you really need that gas guzzling Air Force One? Can you live without that 500 million dollar fleet of jets you bought last year to transport the legislative branch comfortably to far flung fiscal responsibility conferences and climate summits?

If you don't plan to move into them, sell them. I can think of any number of Wall Street executives who'd pay top dollar for a real Air Force One or congressional jet. Unlike the rest of us, they can afford to pay the gasoline, operation and maintenance costs.

Consider all the memorials, art and historical artifacts just taking up space (and requiring maintenance) in DC and the Smithsonian. See what you can get for them at Sotheby's or hold a sale. I imagine there are several Saudi princes who'd love to have a little monument from the US to put in their garden or the original constitution for their library.

I know some of these items will be difficult to part with and have sentimental value, but look at it this way: if you don't sell it, China will own it soon anyways.

If you're a hoarder and can't bring yourself to sell your memorabilia, there is another option: sell ad space on the monuments. The demographics are great with 15 million visitor viewings annually, plus repeated exposure by DC denizens and in the media. It's a great way to get the funds you need to maintain your property until the economy improves.

Credit and debt

If you have any leverage left whatsoever, now's the time to use it.

Call China and try to work something out. Like my negotiations with Citibank, it may take weeks to get someone who speaks English on the phone (keep your cell phone charger handy). But if you hang in there with good old-fashioned American determination, there's a 20% chance that sooner or later you'll get someone who can help. If you and China fail to work out a more equitable arrangement, try consolidating your debt with Japan or the Saudis for a lower rate.

At the very least, you're going to have to rethink those loans you've been making to banks and big business. As is, you're paying China more interest on the money you're borrowing to loan to the banks than they're paying you in interest. Now, I don't have the economic chops of Tim Geithner, or even a college degree, but that just seems like really stupid financial policy. Unless you work for the banks, of course.

I suggest you raise the interest rate to a reasonable 29.9% plus substantial fees and penalties for not stimulating the economy. At that rate, taxpayers will be celebrating and getting huge bonuses in no time.


See more of my common-sense financial tips for the government.

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Economic indicators suggest this is a good time to read my blog about being broke in Europe.

Champale on a tapwater budget

I don't care how little disposable income you have, sometimes you've got to pamper yourself. Whether it's a little "me time", buying yourself a luxury item, taking a mini-vacation or getting a lap dance in an S&M club, studies show that these occasional indulgences are rejuvenating and can even help with self-esteem.

You don't have to be a Wall Street executive, major sports figure, or a GOP strategist to partake in these blissful moments of pure, luxurious self-indulgence. You'll just have to adjust your definition of luxury a wee bit.

SPA TREATMENTS

Massage therapy

I learned this trick while taking care of a 21 pound cat named Ralph who gave me the best massage I ever had. If you don't have a cat, borrow one, the bigger the better. Wear something you don't want ruined (a vintage Armani jacket, or cashmere sweater for example), or just drape it over the affected muscle. It's only a matter of time before the cat will start kneading it. If you don't have any good clothing left, a piece of carpet or sofa fabric will also work. If the cat hasn't been declawed, you also get free acupuncture!

Here's another idea taken from the animal world: I've seen cats, dogs, horses and cows do it. Find a solid, well-anchored object that protrudes (ie: a fence post, doorknob, parking meter, mailbox or erect penis) . Lean the muscle or nerve that needs attention onto the object and adjust the pressure as you see fit.

Hot tubbing

There's nothing like a soak in churning hot water to melt away the stress of watching CNN all day. If you're really resourceful, you can create your own jacuzzi out of a dumpster and some garden hoses.

For those who lack engineering skills , I've found that a tub, hot water and a hand beater (or a wisk in a pinch) does the trick. It's also a great work out for the upper arms and pecs. One word of warning: although you may be tempted, do not attempt this with an electric mixer.

MINI VACATIONS

My vacation photos (4/6/10): Me next to a Bernini statue in Rome; me on the beach in Bali; me at Macchu Pichu

To me, there's nothing more restorative than a trip to a new, foreign destination.

Now that I can't even afford the fare to little Italy, Chinatown or Berkeley, I take Google vacations.

Just type in the destination of your choice and within seconds, you're there. Zoom in and it's just like being there without the jet lag, shots, expense, cultural immersion and worries about getting stuck next to Kevin Smith on the flight home.

Yesterday I visited, Macchu Pichu (without the altitude sickness), Bali, and Rome (how I love clicking down those ancient cobbled streets!). I topped it off with a visit to my favorite coffee shop in Amsterdam and still made it home in time for "American Idol."

GETTING YOURSELF A LITTLE SOMETHING

I don't have to tell you that buying yourself some small luxury item can be a salve to the battered soul of the working warrior. For some people it's shoes, for others it's electronic gadgets, for me it was lipstick. But non-working warriors need balm too.

I was fortunate in that I was able to see my crisis coming and scale back slowly, sparing me the pain of going cold turkey and the shock and indignity of downsizing too fast.

My financial meltdown in lipstick


From left to right: cle de peau $60; Guerlain Rouge G $45; Chanel $30; NARS $22; mac $14; Revlon $8; Wetnwild $1; cherry Chapstick $.69; a flattering shade of lollipop $.20; wild berries free

By studying the timeline above, you'll see how you can make the transition from Chanel Raspberry Crush to crushed wild raspberries painlessly. Find the shade of berry that's right for you.

The same principle can be applied to any type of product. Gadget freaks might start with an iPad and work their way down to another groundbreaking invention (in its time), the paperclip. Similarly, a shoe lover can go from Prada Gladiator Sandals, to Michael Kors to Steve Madden to Aerosoles to Keds to Old Navy flip flops to the drawstring from a Hefty Cinch Sak wrapped around the ankles and legs.

ALTERING YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS

For some people, all it takes is a nice cocktail, joint or little pill to take the edge off and feel like all is right with the world. But even these mental vacations have gotten pricey.

If you're lucky enough to have terrible vision like I do, I've found that removing my glasses or contacts has the same effect as two cocktails or one joint without the calories or munchies. This is also a great time to look in the mirror.

If you have perfect vision, borrow or steal glasses from someone with terrible vision. Do not attempt to drive or read the instructions on heavy machinery while under the influence.

Some people have reported that hyperventilating and getting up too quickly also works.

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Economic indicators suggest that this might be a good time to read my blog about being broke in France.

The Jobs report

Sure, the recent employment figures don't look good. But the evidence in front of apple stores this weekend tells a different story. Unless there's a Cash for Kindles program that I'm unaware of, the economy is finally getting back on it's feet.

How else can one explain the fact that the lines for the iPad debut were longer than those at the unemployment office? You'd think they were passing out government cheese (with an apple logo on it, of course).

700,000 iPads sold in two days. Which means last weekend the American consumer spent almost $500,000,000* for a product they don't need.

We're back!!!!

* calculated on a 2008 Macbook Pro calculator application, so that figure may be obsolete)

Affordable real estate ideas for when you're ready to buy

I understand the desire to own your own home. It's the American dream. The problem is, if you have to borrow to buy it, you don't really own it, the banks own you. We've seen how that works out.

Yet some people haven't even been kicked out of their foreclosed homes and they're are already talking about improving their credit score so they can borrow to buy a new house. Which begs the question, are you insane?

If there's one thing to be learned from my own financial crisis, it's pay as you go. If you don't have the full price in hand, don't freaking buy it. If you do, you're just pouring money in the terroris...I mean, banks' pockets.

Now you're probably thinking I'm insane. Even with the declining price of homes, how the heck will you come up with the full price of a home or plot of land? It's possible, you just have to think within your means. That 4500 square foot home with a movie theater in the west wing was a little excessive anyways.

For example, you can get a nice 4x9 funeral plot for less than a thousand dollars (depending on the property and location). That's room enough for a bunk bed and you can always build on (or in) it later. Guaranteed you'll have quiet neighbors.



You might want to check and see if you've already got a plot in your family. A friend of mine discovered a family mausoleum his grandfather built and has set up residence there. All my grandparents left were urns which serve no earthly purpose except to take up space in my shopping cart.

You can also get a basic starter doghouse for only $59.00, or something as lavish as a sprawling two floor Spanish hacienda for $30,000 (rumor has it Lloyd Blankfein's dog has one of these).

Tool and storage sheds can be quite economical if you get a kit (from $150 to $500). If your tastes demand something more luxurious, consider having yours custom ordered for $1,500 and up.

If you love the outdoors and live in a warm environment, a gazebo may be right for you. You can get one with UV Guard-protected polyester taffeta side panels to keep out harmful ultraviolet rays for $274 on amazon.com. Target also has several choices, from sleek to rustic. Don't buy the first one you see. Attend a few open houses to get a feel for the market.

Happy hunting!

Assessing your real estate options

If you're anything like me, right now you're trying desperately to ignore the vague fear that you can no longer afford to continue your current housing situation. You probably keep hoping you'll get a new job, inherit a fortune, the government will intervene or that Armaggedon will strike before your next bill is due and you won't have to deal with it.



Here are a few clues that it may be time to confront the situation head on: You consider housing and utilities an either/or situation. Your home payments are eating into your insurance premiums. Your home has been padlocked and there's an armed guard at the door.

Now that you realize the gravity of the situation, you may be asking yourself "how will I find a new place to live when I have no income, cash or credit rating? Seriously, where the f*$k will I go?" Don't panic. Let's calmly and rationally go over your options.

Move in with family


If you have a parent, child, cousin, or a third niece removed who has a home or dorm room, moving in with them makes good economic sense.

For some families, it's an ideal way to bond and reconnect. I left my parents' home and moved 3,000 miles away when I was an angry teenager. Moving in with them so many years later allowed us to reconnect and let them get to know me as an angry adult. It's also given me an opportunity to understand why I'm angry.

Of course, living in such close proximity to family can reawaken old dysfunctions and unresolved issues. It may not be right for you if:

• This is all their fault!

• You have sibling rivalry with the family dog.

• The first time you heard the story of Oedipus, you thought 'woah, did Sophocles know my family?'

• At the last family Thanksgiving dinner you broke out in stigmata.

• The sound of their breathing really bugs you.

• You're off your medication.

• They're off their medication.

• You have to give the Menendez brothers credit for standing up to their parents.

It's a squatters' market!

There are already 19 million vacant properties in America. The number is rising, as "for sale", "for rent" and foreclosure signs dot the landscape with more frequency than Starbucks. It's the perfect storm for squatters!

If you're a soon to be ex-homeowner, you can always squat in your own house after the bank kicks you out. But now is a great time to trade up.

Have you been longing to live in a nicer neighborhood? Dreamed of owning a pool and tennis court? Maybe you just want a more modern kitchen or a playroom for the kids. Your dream house is out there, you just have to keep your eyes open and be ready to stake your claim before someone else beats you to it..

There are also schools, hospitals, factories, stores and restaurants that are move-in ready. It's almost like a government incentive program for people who want to start their own business!

Here are some great resources for potential squatters:
A website devoted to squatting.
Top abandoned towns
Brokers' guide to vacant property.

Become a troglodyte

Maybe neanderthals had the right idea. Most caves are larger and better equipped than my NYC apartment was, without the nasty landlord, loud neighbors and rent.

There are caves available to suit almost every lifestyle. If you can't let go of your grandmother's armoire, your 48" flatscreen or treadmill, find a spacious cave with lots of storage space. If you're trying to cut back on stuff, grab a quaint, cozy cave with built in fireplace.

They're usually sound-proof and very private, making them the choice of several rich ex-Saudis who can afford to live in palaces. Some come with fabulous built-ins, like shelves and tables (how cute would those Liberty of London mugs they're selling at Target for only $5 look on them?). Some have indoor pools. Art lovers can even find caves with their own built in art collections.

The only real downside to living in a cave is since they're often in remote locations, internet access and phone reception can be limited. Of course, this can be a plus if you've got creditors, the IRS or FBI after you.

Guide to caves in the US and cave locator by zip code.

Container dwelling

There was a time when it was considered pathetic to live in a refrigerator box or container. Now it's environmentally correct and a chic choice for anyone who lives in a city. I'm a fan of refrigerator boxes (especially sub-zero), but I'm single and somewhat nomadic.

For those who prefer a more stable home, shipping containers, dumpsters old railway cargo cars make a fine abode. I believe they may be the next housing bubble, so act now!

Remember, as demand rises, it'll become harder and harder to trade up. This is no time to settle. And when you find your dream container, grab it without hesitation. There are several people already interested in it and who knows when you'll find another one you like half as much.

If you have 100 bucks or so a month to spare, you might want to consider renting storage space in a public facility. 10x10 is enough space for a bed and mini-fridge. Not recommended for anyone who suffers from claustrophobia, it's a great option if you're broke, but really need to live in a gated community




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Economic indicators suggest that this might be a good time to read my blog about being broke in France.

Get in touch with your inner savvy businessman

You've worked hard all your life to achieve the American dream. But it's starting to seem as though the only people living the dream are those who President Obama refers to as "savvy businessmen."


Some argue that an Ivy League education is critical to achieving business savvy. Others insist it's pedigree (one of your ancestors must be the spawn of Satan). My personal theory is that we're all born with business savvy but it's usually socialized out of us.

No matter. It's clear that we all need to start incorporating the principles of savvy businessmen into our own lives if we're going to get ahead. Here are a few tips to get you started.

Redefining your work ethic

Many people make the mistake of assuming hard work and providing quality goods or services is all it takes to succeed. Wrong. It's how much you can rake in for you and your shareholders while providing as little value as possible to the consumer. We've seen how this principle works for banks and large corporations, but how does this apply to average Americans?


Say you happen to get lucky and score a housecleaning job. Don't make the mistake of spending an inordinate amount of time cleaning. When you're not blogging, tweeting and issuing Facebook updates about how hard you're working cleaning the house, most of your time should be spent lowering the wattage on all the light bulbs, smearing Vaseline on the homeowners' glasses and shoving things under rugs to give the appearance of cleanliness.

As your skills improve, you can start removing expensive articles and cash from the home to sell them. If you're really savvy, you'll even charge a removal fee.

Apply this kind of thinking to your every endeavor.

Eliminate deadwood
If there's someone in your life sapping you of resources that could be better put towards redecorating your den or a nice vacation, dump them immediately. Don't let sentiment, loyalty, humanity, commitment, personal responsibility get in the way.

Note to men: unless your wife has a paying job or a trust fund, you'll want to get rid of her too. As you become more savvy, you'll probably want a brand new trophy wife. Consider bringing in someone from Asia or Russia--they'll do the same job for much cheaper and are much more appreciative of your meager benefits.

Become too big to fail

We've all seen the benefits of being too big to fail. But if you're not a major corporation who holds the economy in your hands, where can you go when you need a large quantity of cash to avoid devastation of apocalyptic proportions?

Fortunately, with a little planning and cultivation, similar types of bailouts are available to everyone. Just make sure to keep all receipts, correspondence, texts, videotapes, blood tests and semen stains. When you go to your benefactor on bended knee, make sure it's clear that if you go down, they're going down with you.

The importance of branding
We've seen how savvy businessmen have renamed old financial products and turned them into lucrative earning tools. Banks cleverly rebranded "usury" by renaming it "29% plus fees and penalties" and opened the door for billions in earnings. "Unloading worthless crap on the taxpayers" became "Public-Private Investment Program". And lets not forget Goldman Sachs' brilliant rebranding of "massive Ponzi scheme" to "doing God's work."

Similarly, insurance companies made a bundle rebranding "protection money" with the new name, "premiums." Some advertising agencies have followed their lead by rebranding "slave labor" as "crowdsourcing."

Think about how you can rebrand financial instruments in your own life. "Shoplifting" can become "long term non-collateralized loan". "Running a sweat shop" is "teaching children life skills" and "fraud" becomes "storytelling." Suddenly, the world is your oyster.

Top holiday gift ideas for 2009

Unless you've already received that big bonus for your role steering the stock market out of freefall this past year, you're probably a little desperate about the holidays right about now.

Nobody wants you to go into deeper debt or give up eating to buy presents (except your credit card company, retailers, stockholders, leading economic advisers and your teenage daughter, if you have one). But nobody is offering any real, socially acceptable options (except Hallmark who is offering almost personalized holiday cards for $3.00 each).

I've compiled a list of affordable gifts that are as thoughtful and meaningful as the presents you might have given if you had money. All within a realistic budget of 7 cents a person or less. If you play your cards right, you could have enough money left over for a three course ramen holiday feast (chicken, beef, and vegetable flavored)!

This season's "must-have" item


Perfect for multitasking, the potato serves as a vegetable, a complex carb, a useful arts and crafts tool, entertainment, breakfast, lunch, dinner, a source of potassium and other vital vitamins and minerals. Chic-ly packaged in a discreet brown wrapper, the potato is one of the few gifts left you can buy with spare change or food stamps that will give your recipient any pleasure. Designer models in red, blue, and gold are also available.
Find out more about the potato's many applications, including recipes and tips.

Something cute and cuddly for the kids


In an age when a child's wish list contains several $200 items, I suppose a $9.95 toxic fake rodent constitutes a bargain. But it's still too rich for my blood. Especially now that they're going for $30.00 on eBay and Amazon.

That's why I'm giving all the kids in my life the latest evolution of Zhu Zhu hamsters -- Dust bunnies. They're furry. They're cuddly. They're wind powered, biodegradable, non-toxic (or only as toxic as the place under the couch you got it) and they're made locally.

Each one is different and has its own personality. I like to decorate mine with bits of used dental floss. When the child tires of it in a few days, it can easily be stored in any sized vacuum bag or under furniture.

If you have unresolved issues with the child's parents, a pet rat is a gratifying alternative. Like the dust bunny, you can probably pick one up without leaving home, although chances are you will have to get off the couch.

When only the best will do

Who doesn't love free luxury hotel toiletries? For me, nothing brings back the warm memories of having a job, an expense account and clean, nicely scented hair and skin like a whiff of L'Occitane Lemon Verbena (offered at the Four Seasons).

You may still have some of your favorites stashed away from the good old days (if you haven't sold them on eBay). If not, there are other ways to nab these luxe items for gifts. First, locate the brand of choice with my handy leading hotel toiletry guide.

Some say that lurking in hotel hallways and grabbing as many as possible when the maid isn't looking is the most time efficient method.

I believe that honesty is the best policy (at least during the holiday season). I usually tell the front desk that I'm in room 206 and I accidentally spilled all their complimentary toiletries down the sink and would like a new set (or four ... I'm very clumsy). Telling them that you need the toiletries for an article you're researching has also been known to work.

High Tea Technology


Many retailers have been plugging a $100 portable espresso maker as the perfect gift for those who panic if they're more than 10 yards from the nearest Starbucks. Oddly, they don't seem as intent on selling a similar device for tea drinkers.

The portable tea maker contains everything necessary for a great cup of tea on the go (water and cup not included). This handy, lightweight gadget has adjustable brewing time for different tea strengths. With a little smart shopping you can get 100 of these babies for $2.00. Shopping done!

For every cloud, a Snuggie lining


Let your friends be the first to own the Snuggie weatherizer! It's the perfect gift gift for anyone who shelled out $19.95 (plus shipping and handling) for a Snuggie. They may not appreciate it now, but they'll be eternally grateful when they're wearing their Snuggies in inclement conditions.

All you need to make one is a large trash bag, dry cleaning bag, tarp, a sheet of bubble wrap, old plastic tablecloth or any waterproofed material you can find around the house or dumpster. Cut holes in the appropriate spots, add a few staples and voila! A shower cap makes a great accessory (try to grab a few when picking up hotel toiletries.)

Warm feet, warm heart


If you happen to have some spare sanitary napkins or poise pads around, or know where you can borrow some, you've got the makings for some cushy slippers with non-slip grip strips and a built in deodorant feature for fresh feet.

I like to use the maxi-pads for heavy flow for the soles (or Poise or Depends if you can get your hands on them -- they're like walking on air) and a thinner mini pad for the strap.

If you can't find anything to decorate them with, I can personally recommend using Channel waterproof long-lasting smoky eye crayons. The colbalt blue and indigo go with everything. A great gift for doting grandparents who love everything you make.

Learn how to make them.

An eco-friendly gesture


The care and love that goes into making a fruitcake is always appreciated even though fruitcake itself is largely considered inedible.

This year, instead of getting costly ingredients from a grocery store and spending hours chopping, mixing and baking, let the composter take care of everything. Press the mulch into a loaf shape, decorate it with fruits nuts and berries from the yard, park or road dividers and nobody will know the difference. No new waste is created and the product is endlessly recyclable. The recipient will appreciate the love and care you put into your gift long after they've returned it to its natural habitat -- the compost heap.

If all else fails, use your credit card


Instead of using a credit card to buy presents this season, use it to create them.

Make cufflinks, earrings, bracelets, pendants in gold, platinum and other precious plastics. The beauty of giving these (aside from the joy of giving) is it won't cost you a cent out-of- pocket and rewards include thousands of dollars in savings on future interest and penalty fees. Now that's a gift that gives back! Learn how to make them.


Have you ever wondered what it's like being broke in France?
Learn more.