Affordable real estate ideas for when you're ready to buy

I understand the desire to own your own home. It's the American dream. The problem is, if you have to borrow to buy it, you don't really own it, the banks own you. We've seen how that works out.

Yet some people haven't even been kicked out of their foreclosed homes and they're are already talking about improving their credit score so they can borrow to buy a new house. Which begs the question, are you insane?

If there's one thing to be learned from my own financial crisis, it's pay as you go. If you don't have the full price in hand, don't freaking buy it. If you do, you're just pouring money in the terroris...I mean, banks' pockets.

Now you're probably thinking I'm insane. Even with the declining price of homes, how the heck will you come up with the full price of a home or plot of land? It's possible, you just have to think within your means. That 4500 square foot home with a movie theater in the west wing was a little excessive anyways.

For example, you can get a nice 4x9 funeral plot for less than a thousand dollars (depending on the property and location). That's room enough for a bunk bed and you can always build on (or in) it later. Guaranteed you'll have quiet neighbors.



You might want to check and see if you've already got a plot in your family. A friend of mine discovered a family mausoleum his grandfather built and has set up residence there. All my grandparents left were urns which serve no earthly purpose except to take up space in my shopping cart.

You can also get a basic starter doghouse for only $59.00, or something as lavish as a sprawling two floor Spanish hacienda for $30,000 (rumor has it Lloyd Blankfein's dog has one of these).

Tool and storage sheds can be quite economical if you get a kit (from $150 to $500). If your tastes demand something more luxurious, consider having yours custom ordered for $1,500 and up.

If you love the outdoors and live in a warm environment, a gazebo may be right for you. You can get one with UV Guard-protected polyester taffeta side panels to keep out harmful ultraviolet rays for $274 on amazon.com. Target also has several choices, from sleek to rustic. Don't buy the first one you see. Attend a few open houses to get a feel for the market.

Happy hunting!

Assessing your real estate options

If you're anything like me, right now you're trying desperately to ignore the vague fear that you can no longer afford to continue your current housing situation. You probably keep hoping you'll get a new job, inherit a fortune, the government will intervene or that Armaggedon will strike before your next bill is due and you won't have to deal with it.



Here are a few clues that it may be time to confront the situation head on: You consider housing and utilities an either/or situation. Your home payments are eating into your insurance premiums. Your home has been padlocked and there's an armed guard at the door.

Now that you realize the gravity of the situation, you may be asking yourself "how will I find a new place to live when I have no income, cash or credit rating? Seriously, where the f*$k will I go?" Don't panic. Let's calmly and rationally go over your options.

Move in with family


If you have a parent, child, cousin, or a third niece removed who has a home or dorm room, moving in with them makes good economic sense.

For some families, it's an ideal way to bond and reconnect. I left my parents' home and moved 3,000 miles away when I was an angry teenager. Moving in with them so many years later allowed us to reconnect and let them get to know me as an angry adult. It's also given me an opportunity to understand why I'm angry.

Of course, living in such close proximity to family can reawaken old dysfunctions and unresolved issues. It may not be right for you if:

• This is all their fault!

• You have sibling rivalry with the family dog.

• The first time you heard the story of Oedipus, you thought 'woah, did Sophocles know my family?'

• At the last family Thanksgiving dinner you broke out in stigmata.

• The sound of their breathing really bugs you.

• You're off your medication.

• They're off their medication.

• You have to give the Menendez brothers credit for standing up to their parents.

It's a squatters' market!

There are already 19 million vacant properties in America. The number is rising, as "for sale", "for rent" and foreclosure signs dot the landscape with more frequency than Starbucks. It's the perfect storm for squatters!

If you're a soon to be ex-homeowner, you can always squat in your own house after the bank kicks you out. But now is a great time to trade up.

Have you been longing to live in a nicer neighborhood? Dreamed of owning a pool and tennis court? Maybe you just want a more modern kitchen or a playroom for the kids. Your dream house is out there, you just have to keep your eyes open and be ready to stake your claim before someone else beats you to it..

There are also schools, hospitals, factories, stores and restaurants that are move-in ready. It's almost like a government incentive program for people who want to start their own business!

Here are some great resources for potential squatters:
A website devoted to squatting.
Top abandoned towns
Brokers' guide to vacant property.

Become a troglodyte

Maybe neanderthals had the right idea. Most caves are larger and better equipped than my NYC apartment was, without the nasty landlord, loud neighbors and rent.

There are caves available to suit almost every lifestyle. If you can't let go of your grandmother's armoire, your 48" flatscreen or treadmill, find a spacious cave with lots of storage space. If you're trying to cut back on stuff, grab a quaint, cozy cave with built in fireplace.

They're usually sound-proof and very private, making them the choice of several rich ex-Saudis who can afford to live in palaces. Some come with fabulous built-ins, like shelves and tables (how cute would those Liberty of London mugs they're selling at Target for only $5 look on them?). Some have indoor pools. Art lovers can even find caves with their own built in art collections.

The only real downside to living in a cave is since they're often in remote locations, internet access and phone reception can be limited. Of course, this can be a plus if you've got creditors, the IRS or FBI after you.

Guide to caves in the US and cave locator by zip code.

Container dwelling

There was a time when it was considered pathetic to live in a refrigerator box or container. Now it's environmentally correct and a chic choice for anyone who lives in a city. I'm a fan of refrigerator boxes (especially sub-zero), but I'm single and somewhat nomadic.

For those who prefer a more stable home, shipping containers, dumpsters old railway cargo cars make a fine abode. I believe they may be the next housing bubble, so act now!

Remember, as demand rises, it'll become harder and harder to trade up. This is no time to settle. And when you find your dream container, grab it without hesitation. There are several people already interested in it and who knows when you'll find another one you like half as much.

If you have 100 bucks or so a month to spare, you might want to consider renting storage space in a public facility. 10x10 is enough space for a bed and mini-fridge. Not recommended for anyone who suffers from claustrophobia, it's a great option if you're broke, but really need to live in a gated community




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Economic indicators suggest that this might be a good time to read my blog about being broke in France.

Stylish alternatives to living on the street.

Just because you’re totally broke doesn’t mean you have to abandon the dream of living somewhere spacious, beautiful, architecturally important and very expensive. I'm talking about living under a bridge.

The right bridge can provide excellent shelter as well as reflect your taste and status. And unlike your current housing set up, a good bridge comes with access to free running water, weekly janitorial service and maintenance, not to mention public transportation virtually right outside your front door. The ubiqutous tollbooths make living under a bridge the closest thing to a gated community you can get for $0/month.

Here are some examples of what's available around the country:

New York City: Pre-war classic.. This 3460 foot granite and steel suspension bridge offers spectacular views of Manhattan and Brooklyn. Easy access to the arts, fine scavenging, upscale shoplifting as well as some very nice parks and public spaces. Built in 1883, for 18million dollars (which was nothing to sneeze at back then), the original details are still intact, a little TLC will make it sparkle. Perfect location for Wall Streeters.
Florida: Post modern masterpiece. 29,040 feet of steel and concrete, the sunshine skyway bridge is for those who like their clean spacious design with a little edge. Completed in 1987 this beauty offers classic suspension construction coupled with dramatic details and views of Ft. Lauderdale and Bradenburg. With several golf courses nearby, year around sunshine and easy access to decent healthcare in the Caribbean and Mexico, this is an excellent place to retire.

Northern California: Views, views, views.. no matter where you're standing on this 8981 ft icon of steel and concrete, you'll have a spectacular view (except when the fog rolls in). Designed by Robert Straus in 1937, the Golden Gate bridge is now one of the most coveted pieces of real estate in America. Residents enjoy nature in the nearby Marin County public spaces as well as partake in the lavishly filled dumpsters in the city.

Chesapeake Bay: $200 million marvel of engineering.The Chesapeake Bay Bridge is the bridge equivalent of the Neverland ranch. A massive 89760 feet of steel and concrete, it dips over and under open waters with a complex chain of artificial islands, tunnels and bridges. This 200 million dollar futuristic wonder spans four separate states, convenient for anyone anticipating trouble with the local authorities.

Minnesota: Charming 19th century fixer upper. If you prefer rustic charm to grandeur and don't mind cold winters, this could be the bridge for you. The Archstone Bridge in Minneapolis consists of 2176 feet of native granite and limestone. Converted from a railroad bridge in 1965, 26 well-placed arches add character and warmth. As a pedestrian bridge and historic landmark, it's a great place to panhandle --just think, no more commuting!

A guide to world bridges for impoverished expats is coming soon. Suggestions and recommendations are always appreciated.

The top five places to be broke in North America

Napa Valley, California—Lots of solvent people flock to the beautiful Napa Valley. But so far, it's a well kept secret among indigents in the know. The weather is temperate enough to sleep outdoors year round. The pace, leisurely. Hotsprings and fountains abound for bathing and laundry. Some of the country’s finest restaurants have dumpsters here, not to mention the culinary institute. And as long as you’re mildly presentable, the constant wine tastings ensure you’ll always be up to date on the latest crop of Merlots.

Wasilla, Alaska—Granted it’s cold up there, but if eating is important to you, it’s the easiest place in America to kill a cheap meal. One moose and you’re eating well for a year (click here for moose recipes). The frigid temperatures ensure you never have to worry about refrigeration. And rumor has it, anyone can move into the mayor’s mansion.

Beverly Hills, California—Great weather with the nation's highest quality garbage can content per capita. It’s also one of the few places in the world where no matter who you are, some reality show director could discover you and make you rich and famous beyond your wildest dreams. And you might even get a free facelift out of the deal.

Detroit, Michigan—If you can overlook the weather and would gladly give up any chance of employment in order to have a roof over your head, then Detroit just might be the place for you. Detroit has over 12,000 abandoned homes, and factories just waiting for someone with a loving touch to squat in them.

Anywhere in Mexico—It’s got great weather and a low cost of living. Almost any pharmaceutical drug you need is available cheap and without a prescription. You might even be able to pick up some work gardening and keeping house for your ex-cleaning lady, Carmen who moved back to Mexico and bought a house after she made a small fortune working for you in the 90’s.

Considering real estate options

Judging by the” for sale”, “for rent” and foreclosure signs that are now dotting the landscape with more frequency than Starbucks, I forsee a land with many empty houses and lots of people sleeping in the street. So buck up, you’re not alone.

And while it’s pretty depressing, it does present an opportunity. Once all these people get forced out of their homes, there will be lots of very nice places to squat. Keep your eyes open and be prepared to move in quickly.

But lets assume the worst…you won’t be able to find an available place to squat when you’re finally evicted from your residence.

If your car hasn’t been repossessed, it’s always an option. Maybe Ford had the right idea by making all those huge gas guzzling beasts. They may have driven us into bankruptcy, but they’re easily converted into real estate. You’ll be surprised at how many meals can be prepared using the cigarette lighter (will provide link to recipes that can be prepared with a car lighter). It may take hours to prepare a grilled cheese sandwich, but it’s not like you have a job anymore.

Or follow the innovative example of the impoverished Egyptians in Cairo who have converted a graveyard of ancient tombs into a bustling village. A lot of those tombs are probably nicer and more spacious than my NYC apartment. Some are even rigged to get free cable and wifi. Check to see if there are any nice Mausoleum communities in your area. If there aren’t, consider starting one.

There’s also the tried and true option of the refrigerator box. But remember, as demand rises, it’ll become harder and harder to trade up. This is no time to settle. Try to find that sub zero now, even if it takes a little longer. And when you find it, grab it without hesitation. There are several people already interested in you dream refridgerator box and who knows when you’ll find another one you like half as much.

If you have 100 bucks or so a month to spare, you might want to consider renting a storage container. 10x10 is enough for a bed and minifridge. Not recommended for anyone who suffers from claustrophobia, it’s a great option if you’re broke, but really need to live in a gated community