Tim, Tim, Tim. You've been throwing around a lot of scary words like "disaster" and "hardship" and you seem a little tense. Don't freak out. I know things are looking pretty dark right now, but I promise, even if you've got to default, you'll get through it. I had my very own economic disaster not too long ago that threatened not only my economic future, but that of Citibank, Chase, my landlord, the electric company, ATT my hairdresser, doctor and dentist and guess what? We're all still here. You're a babe in the woods when it comes to financial hardship, so let me guide you through this.
Tap dancing as fast as you can
First your creditors will start calling. They'll leave a recorded message asking you to get in touch for personal business.
Don't call back.
Try to drag this out for a week or so until the phone calls become so insistent, you spend most of your time cowering in the corner, shaking like a whippet . You may consider throwing yourself from a ladder when the phone rings in the hopes you'll break your spine and be able to sue your creditors for causing the accident. Don't do it, it rarely works.
At one point, you'll realize this can't go on and you finally answer the 10th phone call of the day at 9AM. You'll probably get a recording either asking you to pay by phone or online immediately. Hang up and continue not answering your phone for another two weeks.
Now the phone calls should be coming about every 5 minutes from 6AM to 10PM both at work and at home. The only way you'll find peace is to talk to them. Getting really drunk is the best way to prepare yourself.
Expect to wait on hold for anywhere from a half hour to a millennium before you reach a human. When you do, tell them you mailed the check last week. Blame it on US postal service cutbacks and casually mention you'll talk to President Obama about firing the head of the USPS (a little name dropping never hurt).
Ask them to wait until Friday and if they still haven't received it, you'll cancel it and send them a new one. That buys you another week and a half.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If after this grace period, there's still no resolution on the debt ceiling thing (or they've reached the wrong one as far as you're concerned), start by trying to work something out with your largest creditors. Remember, the Chinese and Japanese Secretaries of the Treasury are just a regular guys like you, trying to do a job. Don't get mad at them. It's not their fault. They've got bills to pay too. They doesn't want to cause a global economic meltdown any more than you do. Weeping often helps.
A show of good faith can sway some creditors. Show them you're doing everything possible to pay them back. If you don't have the $110 trillion minimum payment on the due date, send what you have, even if it's only $100.00.
Offer them some sort of barter deal... you'll do odd jobs like their laundry or gardening at an agreed upon hourly rate, which can be applied to the debt. Get serious and have the Congress and Senate help. It will give them an opportunity to do something meaningful and truly serve their constituents for a change.
Sure you'll all have to work a little harder, do a job below your education and experience, sometimes at little to no compensation. But you've got to be willing to work a little harder in these trying times. Look at it as an internship program that allows you to learn an entirely new skill. Maybe you'll discover your true calling.
If all else fails...
If you're having problems getting your creditors to cooperate. Maybe it's time to engage a credit adviser/debt counselor.
Sure, a lot of these companies are non-profits that employ advisers who haven't even graduated from a reputable university and have never worked for a Fortune 500 company. Don't worry, their advice can't possibly worse than what you're getting now.
Of course, there are some organizations that only exist to exploit human misery (you may be lulled into feeling like you're working with a bank). That's why reading the fine print is all-important. Don't treat the agreement like your income taxes or TARP...be diligent!
Most of all, remember It's not like it's the end of the world if you're forced to default. Take it from one who knows. As long as you have your health insurance, you have everything.
Showing posts with label economy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label economy. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Dead birds -- portent of doom or manna from heaven?
All this talk about the unexplained flocks of dead birds and fish occurring has got me thinking. People seem to be putting a decidedly negative spin on the unexplained event.
Some claim it's a sign of the coming apocalypse. Others theorize these creatures are the canaries in the coal mine and their death is a portent of what will happen to us if we don't take care of the environment. Others are sure it's due to the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell and other sins like being a democrat. Some scientists speculate it's got to do with a magnetic shift in the poles. Yet another faction goes so far to speculate it has something to do with the BP oil spill! While all these theories are possible, they seem to imply that someone is being punished for something and we're all going to die.
My view is much more optimistic. My hypothesis is that like in the Exodus when Yaweh showered manna on Moses and his followers to help sustain them through the arduous trek through the desert, we are being showered with free food in these rough economic times.
Check out some of the links below to find recipes for anything that might fall from the sky or float ashore. You'll be shouting "hallelujah" in no time.
Wild bird and game recipes
More game recipes
Fish recipes
Blackbird pie recipe
Monday, December 6, 2010
Hey government, I'm talking to you!
Admittedly, I've been a little myopic, focusing exclusively on the personal financial struggles of working class Americans like me.
I figured that with the millions of dollars worth of highly paid economic advisors you employ, you'd be able to handle the national recovery without my guidance. Boy, was I wrong.
While the majority of Americans have sacrificed retirement accounts, homes, electricity and protein in the name of fiscal responsibility, you guys are running up our national credit card like you're Real Housewives.
I won't bother retreading old ideas like eliminating tax cuts for the rich, pulling out of a war or two, or bringing health care costs in alignment with the rest of the world because those are no-brainers which will never pass the Senate and Congress.
My suggestions are simple, non-partisan and have been successfully employed by the majority of Americans regardless of race, religion or political persuasion. Now it's your turn.
Entertainment and events
I know we have an image to keep up as a superpower, but I'm sorry, but you're going to have to cut back on state dinners and other costly social events here and abroad. You just can't afford it.
For example: while that lavish state dinner for Prime Minister Singh last year was a delightful diversion from all the trouble and strife in the world for 300 leading citizens of the US and India, it was a ridiculous indulgence in this day and age. Fortunately, modern technology has really made most of that expensive pomp unnecessary.
Next time, invite the Prime Minister and a select 300 people from the arts, politics and sciences to join you in a delicious dinner of Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala ($3.29 in the frozen food aisle) over Skype. It will save the taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars that could go towards cutting the deficit. Since it's a special occasion, I'm sure the taxpayers won't begrudge you some Trader Joe's mango chutney for $2.39 a jar as long as you use what's left over at the Pentagon Christmas party.
If you feel that a face-to-face gathering is crucial to diplomacy, make the dinner pot-luck and use your iPod for entertainment. The same principle can be applied to all summits, conferences, meetings and speeches. YouTube and Skype are free. Use them.
Impulse purchases
Back when I thought I had money, my weakness was cashmere sweaters, whereas yours appears to be advanced weaponry.
Before you spend yet another 30 billion on the latest state of the art Global Hawk killer drone that's almost exactly like the last one you bought, ask yourself this: Do I really need that drone? Will I be any more effective against my enemies with it? Will anyone but me notice the difference? Will it be passé in two weeks? Once the novelty wears off, will it just sit in a hangar gathering dust or lie abandoned in some Pakistan field?
I know you think it's the end of the world if you don't get that drone. You probably believe that without it, you'll become less attractive to your allies, be forced to postpone your withdrawal date and you'll end up a lonely, insecure, ineffectual, bitter, forgotten old woma...I mean, country. But you probably thought the same thing about the last killer drone you just had to have.
If after two months, the drone is still gnawing at you and you still believe the free republic can't survive without it, chances are you'll be able to find it on eBay for half price.
Generating revenue
You may be out of cash and low on credit (until you raise the limit again), but look around you. You have a lot of items you've accumulated over the years that you can sell.
Do you really need that gas guzzling Air Force One? Can you live without that 500 million dollar fleet of jets you bought last year to transport the legislative branch comfortably to far flung fiscal responsibility conferences and climate summits?
If you don't plan to move into them, sell them. I can think of any number of Wall Street executives who'd pay top dollar for a real Air Force One or congressional jet. Unlike the rest of us, they can afford to pay the gasoline, operation and maintenance costs.
Consider all the memorials, art and historical artifacts just taking up space (and requiring maintenance) in DC and the Smithsonian. See what you can get for them at Sotheby's or hold a sale. I imagine there are several Saudi princes who'd love to have a little monument from the US to put in their garden or the original constitution for their library.
I know some of these items will be difficult to part with and have sentimental value, but look at it this way: if you don't sell it, China will own it soon anyways.
If you're a hoarder and can't bring yourself to sell your memorabilia, there is another option: sell ad space on the monuments. The demographics are great with 15 million visitor viewings annually, plus repeated exposure by DC denizens and in the media. It's a great way to get the funds you need to maintain your property until the economy improves.
Credit and debt
If you have any leverage left whatsoever, now's the time to use it.
Call China and try to work something out. Like my negotiations with Citibank, it may take weeks to get someone who speaks English on the phone (keep your cell phone charger handy). But if you hang in there with good old-fashioned American determination, there's a 20% chance that sooner or later you'll get someone who can help. If you and China fail to work out a more equitable arrangement, try consolidating your debt with Japan or the Saudis for a lower rate.
At the very least, you're going to have to rethink those loans you've been making to banks and big business. As is, you're paying China more interest on the money you're borrowing to loan to the banks than they're paying you in interest. Now, I don't have the economic chops of Tim Geithner, or even a college degree, but that just seems like really stupid financial policy. Unless you work for the banks, of course.
I suggest you raise the interest rate to a reasonable 29.9% plus substantial fees and penalties for not stimulating the economy. At that rate, taxpayers will be celebrating and getting huge bonuses in no time.
See more of my common-sense financial tips for the government.
***
Economic indicators suggest this is a good time to read my blog about being broke in Europe.
I figured that with the millions of dollars worth of highly paid economic advisors you employ, you'd be able to handle the national recovery without my guidance. Boy, was I wrong.
While the majority of Americans have sacrificed retirement accounts, homes, electricity and protein in the name of fiscal responsibility, you guys are running up our national credit card like you're Real Housewives.
I won't bother retreading old ideas like eliminating tax cuts for the rich, pulling out of a war or two, or bringing health care costs in alignment with the rest of the world because those are no-brainers which will never pass the Senate and Congress.
My suggestions are simple, non-partisan and have been successfully employed by the majority of Americans regardless of race, religion or political persuasion. Now it's your turn.
Entertainment and events
I know we have an image to keep up as a superpower, but I'm sorry, but you're going to have to cut back on state dinners and other costly social events here and abroad. You just can't afford it.
For example: while that lavish state dinner for Prime Minister Singh last year was a delightful diversion from all the trouble and strife in the world for 300 leading citizens of the US and India, it was a ridiculous indulgence in this day and age. Fortunately, modern technology has really made most of that expensive pomp unnecessary.
Next time, invite the Prime Minister and a select 300 people from the arts, politics and sciences to join you in a delicious dinner of Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala ($3.29 in the frozen food aisle) over Skype. It will save the taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars that could go towards cutting the deficit. Since it's a special occasion, I'm sure the taxpayers won't begrudge you some Trader Joe's mango chutney for $2.39 a jar as long as you use what's left over at the Pentagon Christmas party.
If you feel that a face-to-face gathering is crucial to diplomacy, make the dinner pot-luck and use your iPod for entertainment. The same principle can be applied to all summits, conferences, meetings and speeches. YouTube and Skype are free. Use them.
Impulse purchases
Back when I thought I had money, my weakness was cashmere sweaters, whereas yours appears to be advanced weaponry.
Before you spend yet another 30 billion on the latest state of the art Global Hawk killer drone that's almost exactly like the last one you bought, ask yourself this: Do I really need that drone? Will I be any more effective against my enemies with it? Will anyone but me notice the difference? Will it be passé in two weeks? Once the novelty wears off, will it just sit in a hangar gathering dust or lie abandoned in some Pakistan field?
I know you think it's the end of the world if you don't get that drone. You probably believe that without it, you'll become less attractive to your allies, be forced to postpone your withdrawal date and you'll end up a lonely, insecure, ineffectual, bitter, forgotten old woma...I mean, country. But you probably thought the same thing about the last killer drone you just had to have.
If after two months, the drone is still gnawing at you and you still believe the free republic can't survive without it, chances are you'll be able to find it on eBay for half price.
Generating revenue
You may be out of cash and low on credit (until you raise the limit again), but look around you. You have a lot of items you've accumulated over the years that you can sell.
Do you really need that gas guzzling Air Force One? Can you live without that 500 million dollar fleet of jets you bought last year to transport the legislative branch comfortably to far flung fiscal responsibility conferences and climate summits?
If you don't plan to move into them, sell them. I can think of any number of Wall Street executives who'd pay top dollar for a real Air Force One or congressional jet. Unlike the rest of us, they can afford to pay the gasoline, operation and maintenance costs.
Consider all the memorials, art and historical artifacts just taking up space (and requiring maintenance) in DC and the Smithsonian. See what you can get for them at Sotheby's or hold a sale. I imagine there are several Saudi princes who'd love to have a little monument from the US to put in their garden or the original constitution for their library.
I know some of these items will be difficult to part with and have sentimental value, but look at it this way: if you don't sell it, China will own it soon anyways.
If you're a hoarder and can't bring yourself to sell your memorabilia, there is another option: sell ad space on the monuments. The demographics are great with 15 million visitor viewings annually, plus repeated exposure by DC denizens and in the media. It's a great way to get the funds you need to maintain your property until the economy improves.
Credit and debt
If you have any leverage left whatsoever, now's the time to use it.
Call China and try to work something out. Like my negotiations with Citibank, it may take weeks to get someone who speaks English on the phone (keep your cell phone charger handy). But if you hang in there with good old-fashioned American determination, there's a 20% chance that sooner or later you'll get someone who can help. If you and China fail to work out a more equitable arrangement, try consolidating your debt with Japan or the Saudis for a lower rate.
At the very least, you're going to have to rethink those loans you've been making to banks and big business. As is, you're paying China more interest on the money you're borrowing to loan to the banks than they're paying you in interest. Now, I don't have the economic chops of Tim Geithner, or even a college degree, but that just seems like really stupid financial policy. Unless you work for the banks, of course.
I suggest you raise the interest rate to a reasonable 29.9% plus substantial fees and penalties for not stimulating the economy. At that rate, taxpayers will be celebrating and getting huge bonuses in no time.
See more of my common-sense financial tips for the government.
Economic indicators suggest this is a good time to read my blog about being broke in Europe.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Unemployed? Unskilled? Unqualified? Your New Career Awaits!
You've tried to ignore all the dire job reports, but it's not working. Small businesses keep closing. Large businesses keep outsourcing and replacing people with technology. How will those lost jobs ever come back?
You're starting to think you may have no other choice but to go back to school, work hard and learn some new skills that will be viable in the new economy. That sort of attitude will get you nowhere except the poorhouse. Education and skills are best left to blue collar workers and immigrants.
Fortunately, there's a boom happening here right under your nose (if that's where your TV remote is). If you get on board now, you could be set for life, or at the very least, 15 minutes. Yes, I'm talking about reality TV.
Reality TV is among the few things left besides financial derivatives and high fructose corn syrup that's still being produced and consumed voraciously in the US. To the modern American, reality TV is what the WPA was to the struggling masses in the 30s (without the socialist government intervention).
There are 800 reality shows out there and more going into production every day. One of them is right for you.
Getting that first gig
Study the casting calls to determine which jobs will meet your immediate needs (ie: cash, free craft services, lodging, a vacation, attention, a nanny, a mini facelift...) I made the mistake of getting addicted to inhalants in order to get a spot on Intervention only to discover they don't pay their addicts (for ethical reasons). Boy, was I bummed! On the bright side, the rehab facility they sent me to is fabulous!!! But I digress.
Once you've narrowed it down ask yourself what you really want to be doing for the next 13 weeks. Do you want to work for Diddy? Lose 500 lbs? Find your soul mate? Get a shot at love? Be Paris Hilton's BFF? Become a REAL Housewife (as opposed to the pretend one you've been all these years) and get some new clothes, a facelift, boobs and a tummy tuck? Breed prolifically? The job of your dreams is out there.
You'll need to make a short video about yourself (and your family if they're a part of the deal). Include a headshot (if you don't have one, your most recent mug shot will do). They may ask you to tweet them your resume.
If you're a woman and don't have massive boobs, don't worry, you can still get cast on a reality show. Heidi Montag started out with nothing, but used The Hills as a platform to acquire all the massive boobs she wanted. As a rule, the only mandatory requirement to get on a reality show is stripper pole experience.
Don't bother applying to MTV if you're over 18 (your IQ, I mean).
Onward and upward
When you first start a reality show, the hours and competition can be grueling. You may be asked to perform distasteful tasks like eating bugs or sleeping in a bunk bed. Hang in there! Unlike other jobs, it will invariably lead to bigger and better things.
Consider your role an entry level position to some of the best opportunities in America -- from singer/songwriter, to author, to businessperson, to designer, to product endorser to pundit to correspondent to talk show host to basketball player's wife. Heck, Wall Street is even recruiting top execs from Vegas Virgins and Face the Ace (gambling reality shows).
Establish your area of expertise, even if you don't have one. Call yourself "countess" or "doctor," "a businessperson" or "a good mother." If you say something enough times on TV, it will be true.
At the very least, you'll get a book deal. And if a whole book seems like too many words, follow the example of Kim Kardashian who was reportedly paid $10,000 for a single tweet. That's $72 a character, or $357 per five letter word. Without a reality show, she'd be lucky to get $75 for 500 words on "how to shoot a home movie" for Demand Media like everyone else.
Study the trajectory of Kate Gosselin. She has managed her career admirably, starting as a wife and prolific breeder, to Jon and Kate Plus 8, to author (and expert on raising children, to betrayed wife, to Dancing with the Stars, to a correspondent job on the E network. Now she can afford a nanny so she'll never have to spend time with her rugrats again. The woman is a genius!
Become a part of America's cultural lexicon
Entertainment has always provided escape to stressed Americans in times of financial duress. During the last depression, Hollywood transported us with masterpieces and larger than life talent. The entertainment industry is doing it again now, without talent of any size. And just think, one of the principles could be you!
Take a look at how some of those timeless performances are being reinterpreted today:
Now, get to work!
***
Read about real housewives in France.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Champale on a tapwater budget
I don't care how little disposable income you have, sometimes you've got to pamper yourself. Whether it's a little "me time", buying yourself a luxury item, taking a mini-vacation or getting a lap dance in an S&M club, studies show that these occasional indulgences are rejuvenating and can even help with self-esteem.
You don't have to be a Wall Street executive, major sports figure, or a GOP strategist to partake in these blissful moments of pure, luxurious self-indulgence. You'll just have to adjust your definition of luxury a wee bit.
SPA TREATMENTS
Massage therapy
I learned this trick while taking care of a 21 pound cat named Ralph who gave me the best massage I ever had. If you don't have a cat, borrow one, the bigger the better. Wear something you don't want ruined (a vintage Armani jacket, or cashmere sweater for example), or just drape it over the affected muscle. It's only a matter of time before the cat will start kneading it. If you don't have any good clothing left, a piece of carpet or sofa fabric will also work. If the cat hasn't been declawed, you also get free acupuncture!
Here's another idea taken from the animal world: I've seen cats, dogs, horses and cows do it. Find a solid, well-anchored object that protrudes (ie: a fence post, doorknob, parking meter, mailbox or erect penis) . Lean the muscle or nerve that needs attention onto the object and adjust the pressure as you see fit.
Hot tubbing
There's nothing like a soak in churning hot water to melt away the stress of watching CNN all day. If you're really resourceful, you can create your own jacuzzi out of a dumpster and some garden hoses.
For those who lack engineering skills , I've found that a tub, hot water and a hand beater (or a wisk in a pinch) does the trick. It's also a great work out for the upper arms and pecs. One word of warning: although you may be tempted, do not attempt this with an electric mixer.
MINI VACATIONS
My vacation photos (4/6/10): Me next to a Bernini statue in Rome; me on the beach in Bali; me at Macchu Pichu
To me, there's nothing more restorative than a trip to a new, foreign destination.
Now that I can't even afford the fare to little Italy, Chinatown or Berkeley, I take Google vacations.
Just type in the destination of your choice and within seconds, you're there. Zoom in and it's just like being there without the jet lag, shots, expense, cultural immersion and worries about getting stuck next to Kevin Smith on the flight home.
Yesterday I visited, Macchu Pichu (without the altitude sickness), Bali, and Rome (how I love clicking down those ancient cobbled streets!). I topped it off with a visit to my favorite coffee shop in Amsterdam and still made it home in time for "American Idol."
GETTING YOURSELF A LITTLE SOMETHING
I don't have to tell you that buying yourself some small luxury item can be a salve to the battered soul of the working warrior. For some people it's shoes, for others it's electronic gadgets, for me it was lipstick. But non-working warriors need balm too.
I was fortunate in that I was able to see my crisis coming and scale back slowly, sparing me the pain of going cold turkey and the shock and indignity of downsizing too fast.
My financial meltdown in lipstick
From left to right: cle de peau $60; Guerlain Rouge G $45; Chanel $30; NARS $22; mac $14; Revlon $8; Wetnwild $1; cherry Chapstick $.69; a flattering shade of lollipop $.20; wild berries free
By studying the timeline above, you'll see how you can make the transition from Chanel Raspberry Crush to crushed wild raspberries painlessly. Find the shade of berry that's right for you.
The same principle can be applied to any type of product. Gadget freaks might start with an iPad and work their way down to another groundbreaking invention (in its time), the paperclip. Similarly, a shoe lover can go from Prada Gladiator Sandals, to Michael Kors to Steve Madden to Aerosoles to Keds to Old Navy flip flops to the drawstring from a Hefty Cinch Sak wrapped around the ankles and legs.
ALTERING YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS
For some people, all it takes is a nice cocktail, joint or little pill to take the edge off and feel like all is right with the world. But even these mental vacations have gotten pricey.
If you're lucky enough to have terrible vision like I do, I've found that removing my glasses or contacts has the same effect as two cocktails or one joint without the calories or munchies. This is also a great time to look in the mirror.
If you have perfect vision, borrow or steal glasses from someone with terrible vision. Do not attempt to drive or read the instructions on heavy machinery while under the influence.
Some people have reported that hyperventilating and getting up too quickly also works.
***
Economic indicators suggest that this might be a good time to read my blog about being broke in France.
You don't have to be a Wall Street executive, major sports figure, or a GOP strategist to partake in these blissful moments of pure, luxurious self-indulgence. You'll just have to adjust your definition of luxury a wee bit.
SPA TREATMENTS
Massage therapy
I learned this trick while taking care of a 21 pound cat named Ralph who gave me the best massage I ever had. If you don't have a cat, borrow one, the bigger the better. Wear something you don't want ruined (a vintage Armani jacket, or cashmere sweater for example), or just drape it over the affected muscle. It's only a matter of time before the cat will start kneading it. If you don't have any good clothing left, a piece of carpet or sofa fabric will also work. If the cat hasn't been declawed, you also get free acupuncture!
Here's another idea taken from the animal world: I've seen cats, dogs, horses and cows do it. Find a solid, well-anchored object that protrudes (ie: a fence post, doorknob, parking meter, mailbox or erect penis) . Lean the muscle or nerve that needs attention onto the object and adjust the pressure as you see fit.
Hot tubbing
There's nothing like a soak in churning hot water to melt away the stress of watching CNN all day. If you're really resourceful, you can create your own jacuzzi out of a dumpster and some garden hoses.
For those who lack engineering skills , I've found that a tub, hot water and a hand beater (or a wisk in a pinch) does the trick. It's also a great work out for the upper arms and pecs. One word of warning: although you may be tempted, do not attempt this with an electric mixer.
MINI VACATIONS
My vacation photos (4/6/10): Me next to a Bernini statue in Rome; me on the beach in Bali; me at Macchu Pichu
To me, there's nothing more restorative than a trip to a new, foreign destination.
Now that I can't even afford the fare to little Italy, Chinatown or Berkeley, I take Google vacations.
Just type in the destination of your choice and within seconds, you're there. Zoom in and it's just like being there without the jet lag, shots, expense, cultural immersion and worries about getting stuck next to Kevin Smith on the flight home.
Yesterday I visited, Macchu Pichu (without the altitude sickness), Bali, and Rome (how I love clicking down those ancient cobbled streets!). I topped it off with a visit to my favorite coffee shop in Amsterdam and still made it home in time for "American Idol."
GETTING YOURSELF A LITTLE SOMETHING
I don't have to tell you that buying yourself some small luxury item can be a salve to the battered soul of the working warrior. For some people it's shoes, for others it's electronic gadgets, for me it was lipstick. But non-working warriors need balm too.
I was fortunate in that I was able to see my crisis coming and scale back slowly, sparing me the pain of going cold turkey and the shock and indignity of downsizing too fast.
My financial meltdown in lipstick
From left to right: cle de peau $60; Guerlain Rouge G $45; Chanel $30; NARS $22; mac $14; Revlon $8; Wetnwild $1; cherry Chapstick $.69; a flattering shade of lollipop $.20; wild berries free
By studying the timeline above, you'll see how you can make the transition from Chanel Raspberry Crush to crushed wild raspberries painlessly. Find the shade of berry that's right for you.
The same principle can be applied to any type of product. Gadget freaks might start with an iPad and work their way down to another groundbreaking invention (in its time), the paperclip. Similarly, a shoe lover can go from Prada Gladiator Sandals, to Michael Kors to Steve Madden to Aerosoles to Keds to Old Navy flip flops to the drawstring from a Hefty Cinch Sak wrapped around the ankles and legs.
ALTERING YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS
For some people, all it takes is a nice cocktail, joint or little pill to take the edge off and feel like all is right with the world. But even these mental vacations have gotten pricey.
If you're lucky enough to have terrible vision like I do, I've found that removing my glasses or contacts has the same effect as two cocktails or one joint without the calories or munchies. This is also a great time to look in the mirror.
If you have perfect vision, borrow or steal glasses from someone with terrible vision. Do not attempt to drive or read the instructions on heavy machinery while under the influence.
Some people have reported that hyperventilating and getting up too quickly also works.
***
Economic indicators suggest that this might be a good time to read my blog about being broke in France.
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