Top holiday gift ideas for 2009

Unless you've already received that big bonus for your role steering the stock market out of freefall this past year, you're probably a little desperate about the holidays right about now.

Nobody wants you to go into deeper debt or give up eating to buy presents (except your credit card company, retailers, stockholders, leading economic advisers and your teenage daughter, if you have one). But nobody is offering any real, socially acceptable options (except Hallmark who is offering almost personalized holiday cards for $3.00 each).

I've compiled a list of affordable gifts that are as thoughtful and meaningful as the presents you might have given if you had money. All within a realistic budget of 7 cents a person or less. If you play your cards right, you could have enough money left over for a three course ramen holiday feast (chicken, beef, and vegetable flavored)!

This season's "must-have" item


Perfect for multitasking, the potato serves as a vegetable, a complex carb, a useful arts and crafts tool, entertainment, breakfast, lunch, dinner, a source of potassium and other vital vitamins and minerals. Chic-ly packaged in a discreet brown wrapper, the potato is one of the few gifts left you can buy with spare change or food stamps that will give your recipient any pleasure. Designer models in red, blue, and gold are also available.
Find out more about the potato's many applications, including recipes and tips.

Something cute and cuddly for the kids


In an age when a child's wish list contains several $200 items, I suppose a $9.95 toxic fake rodent constitutes a bargain. But it's still too rich for my blood. Especially now that they're going for $30.00 on eBay and Amazon.

That's why I'm giving all the kids in my life the latest evolution of Zhu Zhu hamsters -- Dust bunnies. They're furry. They're cuddly. They're wind powered, biodegradable, non-toxic (or only as toxic as the place under the couch you got it) and they're made locally.

Each one is different and has its own personality. I like to decorate mine with bits of used dental floss. When the child tires of it in a few days, it can easily be stored in any sized vacuum bag or under furniture.

If you have unresolved issues with the child's parents, a pet rat is a gratifying alternative. Like the dust bunny, you can probably pick one up without leaving home, although chances are you will have to get off the couch.

When only the best will do

Who doesn't love free luxury hotel toiletries? For me, nothing brings back the warm memories of having a job, an expense account and clean, nicely scented hair and skin like a whiff of L'Occitane Lemon Verbena (offered at the Four Seasons).

You may still have some of your favorites stashed away from the good old days (if you haven't sold them on eBay). If not, there are other ways to nab these luxe items for gifts. First, locate the brand of choice with my handy leading hotel toiletry guide.

Some say that lurking in hotel hallways and grabbing as many as possible when the maid isn't looking is the most time efficient method.

I believe that honesty is the best policy (at least during the holiday season). I usually tell the front desk that I'm in room 206 and I accidentally spilled all their complimentary toiletries down the sink and would like a new set (or four ... I'm very clumsy). Telling them that you need the toiletries for an article you're researching has also been known to work.

High Tea Technology


Many retailers have been plugging a $100 portable espresso maker as the perfect gift for those who panic if they're more than 10 yards from the nearest Starbucks. Oddly, they don't seem as intent on selling a similar device for tea drinkers.

The portable tea maker contains everything necessary for a great cup of tea on the go (water and cup not included). This handy, lightweight gadget has adjustable brewing time for different tea strengths. With a little smart shopping you can get 100 of these babies for $2.00. Shopping done!

For every cloud, a Snuggie lining


Let your friends be the first to own the Snuggie weatherizer! It's the perfect gift gift for anyone who shelled out $19.95 (plus shipping and handling) for a Snuggie. They may not appreciate it now, but they'll be eternally grateful when they're wearing their Snuggies in inclement conditions.

All you need to make one is a large trash bag, dry cleaning bag, tarp, a sheet of bubble wrap, old plastic tablecloth or any waterproofed material you can find around the house or dumpster. Cut holes in the appropriate spots, add a few staples and voila! A shower cap makes a great accessory (try to grab a few when picking up hotel toiletries.)

Warm feet, warm heart


If you happen to have some spare sanitary napkins or poise pads around, or know where you can borrow some, you've got the makings for some cushy slippers with non-slip grip strips and a built in deodorant feature for fresh feet.

I like to use the maxi-pads for heavy flow for the soles (or Poise or Depends if you can get your hands on them -- they're like walking on air) and a thinner mini pad for the strap.

If you can't find anything to decorate them with, I can personally recommend using Channel waterproof long-lasting smoky eye crayons. The colbalt blue and indigo go with everything. A great gift for doting grandparents who love everything you make.

Learn how to make them.

An eco-friendly gesture


The care and love that goes into making a fruitcake is always appreciated even though fruitcake itself is largely considered inedible.

This year, instead of getting costly ingredients from a grocery store and spending hours chopping, mixing and baking, let the composter take care of everything. Press the mulch into a loaf shape, decorate it with fruits nuts and berries from the yard, park or road dividers and nobody will know the difference. No new waste is created and the product is endlessly recyclable. The recipient will appreciate the love and care you put into your gift long after they've returned it to its natural habitat -- the compost heap.

If all else fails, use your credit card


Instead of using a credit card to buy presents this season, use it to create them.

Make cufflinks, earrings, bracelets, pendants in gold, platinum and other precious plastics. The beauty of giving these (aside from the joy of giving) is it won't cost you a cent out-of- pocket and rewards include thousands of dollars in savings on future interest and penalty fees. Now that's a gift that gives back! Learn how to make them.


Have you ever wondered what it's like being broke in France?
Learn more.

Rediscover the childlike joy of Halloween (get free stuff)

Last year at this time you were probably at the seamstress putting the final touches on your Marie Antoinette/Sarah Palin/Henry VIII/Joe the Plumber costume. Unless you're a Wall Street or Insurance executive or one of their lobbyists, you may be feeling some trepidation as to how to deal with the holiday this year.

Halloween traditionally marks the end of the harvest season when people begin storing necessities for the long, lean months ahead. Which is exactly the way you should be looking at it now. Lucky for you, opportunity is everywhere.

Tricks, yaaaay!

Stop worrying about how you're going to afford candy for the trick-or-treaters. Those Halloween tricksters you fear can be a godsend. Think about it; a good house TPing requires at least one roll of toilet paper. Once you get it back on the roll it'll come in handy and save you money. Play your cards right and you won't need to buy another roll of toilet paper until 2010. Who knows, you might even get hit with quilted toilet paper in decorator colors if you live in an upscale neighborhood.

Even better, your tricksters could be armed with eggs, which would be a delicious change of pace from your usual breakfast of nothing. Save yourself some extra work and stop the culprits before they strike (unless you like your eggs scrambled).

Seize the day (and anything else you can get)

This is the one time of year where you can don a scary robber mask and freely enter a Brinks armored truck, local merchant or lavish mansion and nobody will think anything of it, even if you're carrying a large bag. Be forceful when demanding your treats. Warning: Don't try this in a bank. My local branch brutally informed me that they arrest anyone who enters wearing a mask (even a Hank Paulson mask!). Typically, they make no exceptions, even during this festive time of year.

Getting treats in goods and unmarked bills

These days, parents are afraid of sending their children to strangers' homes. Many communities have made arrangements with local merchants so the kids can trick or treat at stores safely. Take advantage of this opportunity. Tell your child to ask for staples like a jar of peanut butter, tampons, flour, shampoo, etc. Better yet, have them ask for the contents of the cash register. How could anyone refuse your adorable little angel? This is also an excellent opportunity to teach your child manners: remind them to always say "please" and "thank you."

Free candy
Even if you're over 4 feet tall, and not wearing a costume, opportunities for free candy are everywhere. At the bank, the stores, the hair salon, the library, in lobbies. Grab it while it's there or you'll regret it later, I guarantee it. If you have children, give them laundry bags or trash bags and don't let them come home until the bags are full. Since you may be depending on your Halloween treats for nourishment, it's important to optimize your Halloween harvest's nutritional value by consulting my Halloween candy food pyramid.

Treats with financial value

Just because a candy has no nutritional value, doesn't mean it's worthless. On the contrary, Skittles, Red Hots, Hot Tamales, Sweet Tarts, Mike and Ikes, m&ms and Pixie Stix are known moneymakers. With a little clever marketing, you can resell them at a huge profit as drugs to stupid rich people. For example, sell the Pixie Stix as pre-chopped cocaine in designer colors that come with their own straw. The beauty of this approach is you get all the income of a drug dealer or pharmaceutical executive, without the guilt of actually selling drugs (although the high fructose corn syrup may be more dangerous than drugs). Do not try this on hardened drug addicts. They might hurt you.

The morning after
Pumpkins are both delicious and nutritious and using them for merely decorative purposes is a crime. You'll be performing a valuable service by picking up all the spent pumpkins in your neighborhood and disposing of them ... in your mouth. Here are some recipes, including how to stuff a pumpkin for Thanksgiving.

Now go out there and have a happy, bountiful Halloween!

Halloween candy food pyramid

Take advantage of the multitude of Halloween offerings now that you might be depending on them for nourishment. Nutritionally speaking, some Halloween candy is worth more than others. Consult the Halloween candy pyramid below to make healthier choices this Halloween.


Always go for the candy with the greatest number of food groups in it. For example, a Chunky bar is preferable to a Hershey bar with almonds, because it contains three food groups, dairy (milk chocolate), protein (nuts), fruit (raisins) while the Hershey bar only has two (dairy and protein). Mix a Chunky bar with a Nestle Crunch bar (containing rice) and you've got a complete, well-balanced meal. Anything with coconut is also a good bet since it qualifies as both a fruit AND a nut.

Finding a best friend in your price range.

Whether you're a President or a pauper, everyone needs a best friend. Someone you can trust with your deepest darkest secrets. Someone who won't sell you out for money or status. Someone who is always excited to see you. Someone who loves you unconditionally. In most cases, that eliminates humans.

Pets are known to relieve stress, prolong lives and are often considered the best antidepressant out there. In other words, you've never needed a pet more than you do now.

If you're a pauper (and most of us are), a a traditional dog or cat is out of the question. A fancy pedigree animal goes for thousands of dollars (and that's not including accessories like a lei, Gucci collar, leash, raincoat and booties). Even if you get your pet from the shelter, there's a fee, shots, licenses and neutering to shell out for, not to mention feeding, grooming and vets.

The solution? A pet rat. The concept may skeeve you out a bit, but for a person suffering from economic stress, there's no better pet.

Think about it:

Rats are free. You probably already have one or two around the house.

They're very good at fending for themselves so you don't have to worry about feeding or walking them.

If you don't scream or try to kill them, they're very friendly and like to cuddle.

You don't have to buy any fancy carrying cases for a rat, since they fit into any purse, briefcase or evening clutch.

They don't bark, chase cars or claw the furniture.

If you crave the prestige of having a pet with lineage and breeding similar to European royalty, tell everyone your rat is descended from a Kennedy compound rat. It's probably true (those Kennedy rats breed like Kennedys).

But here's the clincher: rats do something few cats, dogs or humans can --contribute to the family income. Sure, a Portuguese Water Dog can retrieve sticks, bones and balls, but have you ever seen one fetch something useful? Watch a rat hard at work below and consider the earning potential!

Rat trick

Get a taste of the good life.

Just because you have no cash or valid credit card doesn't condemn you to a steady diet of ramen and potatoes. You can still indulge your taste for organic produce, ethically raised meat and fish, artisanal bread, cheese and chocolate.

No, I’m not advocating dining and dashing (except on special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries.) Nor am I suggesting we return to the old ways of hunting and foraging for sustainence (a practice frowned upon in urban areas and often referred to as “stealing.”) This may seem counterintuitive, but poor people in the know go to Whole Foods. Not to shop, mind you. They make a meal of the lavish, liberally placed samples.

Sure, there are other places that offer delicious samples, I’ve tried them all. Costco’s may be varied and tasty, but they’re mass produced and of questionable origin. Farmers markets are seasonal, limited to once a week, and hard to get enough for a full meal. Trader Joes' disappoints with limited choices and erratic service and quality --one day the mushroom risotto is ready in it's little cup, steaming and perfectly al dente; the next, you have to wait five minutes for a mediocre chicken biriyani.

For quality and convenience, nothing beats Whole Foods. It’s got everything from meat to fish to fruit to cheese and even vegan offerings. It’s like the antipasto course at Trattoria della Arte in NYC without the art, décor, aspiring model waiters and bill.

Start at what I call the cocktail and hors d'oeuvres section, which is right past the cash registers. Sip a berry/green tea drink and nibble on salmon salad on crackers while exchanging warm banter with the lady passing out the samples. When sipping from the tiny paper cup, I try to maintain an air of elegance by keeping my pinky extended.

The menu changes often, so it’s always good to peruse the offerings before making a choice. You can’t go wrong with the assiette du fromage, which is offered daily. I also recommend stopping by the prepared food counter and asking for samples of the broccoli, coleslaw and grilled veggies, especially on days when spinach dip just isn’t going to cut it in the roughage department.

Whole Foods is open for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Dress is casual, but shirts and shoes are required. You can dine in, but take out is also available if you remember to line your pockets with plastic bags or get paper plates from the salad bar.