Rich Corporate Executives Have Problems Too, You Know

During these difficult financial times, most of us have been focused on things like paying the bills, keeping a roof over our heads and feeding the children.

Being an empathetic person, I thought it only fair to devote a little attention to the 1% of the population who helped create this situation, yet are still employed and living like pashas. Let's not forget that this is a time of fear and uncertainty for them too.

Sure, their concerns are different than yours or mine. But I'm sure to them, the worry that their excessive wealth and lavish lifestyles will inspire envy, larceny and angry hordes is just as excruciating as the worry of becoming homeless is to the rest of us.

So, Hank, Larry, Lloyd, Bob, Ben, Ken, Vikram, and the rest of you guys, here's my advice to you on how to get through the recession.

I know this is going to be difficult to hear, but you're going to have to pretend to make some major sacrifices.

Trains, Yachts and Automobiles

Nothing enrages the people whose money bailed you out more than to see you in a shiny new corporate jet. Especially when they're trading down to shopping carts. Instead of giving up your luxurious jet or putting it in storage, antique it. You'd be amazed how a few dings on the nose, some dice hanging from the rear view mirror and some old "Free Huey" bumper stickers can take your jet from "rich corporate bad guy" to "just another jet from the hood."

Consider hiring someone to paint some camouflage on your jet, yacht, limo or hummer so it doesn't attract the wrong kind of attention. With a pentagon quality paint job, you might even be mistaken for a military vehicle and garner love and respect rather than simmering resentment. Another plus, you'll actually stimulate the economy by hiring a painter. Make sure you hire American for a change. It's a wonderful opportunity to appear to contribute something meaningful to America's no longer working class.

Better homes and gardens

A few well-placed props can make a 85 million dollar estate a place you can feel safe showing to the impoverished masses (from the other side of the gates, of course). Park a rusty, dilapidated pick-up truck on the front lawn and let the garden go. A burning trash can or tires are always a nice touch. The neighbors might object, but it'll keep the robbers and lynch mobs away. Or just put a foreclosure sign out front (FYI, I have one you can buy for $19,843.02 or $536.12 a month at 33% compounded daily for the rest of your life).

Perfecting the "waif" look


Fortunately, your trophy wife can still spend a fortune keeping up with the latest designer trends and look like she dug her wardrobe out of the dumpster. Several designers are coming out with "recession chic" lines for the winter (check the latest WWD or Vogue in the plastic surgeons waiting room). Stay away from anything with a prominent designer logo (I know it kind of defeats the purpose of buying a designer label, but be strong). For those ubiquitous Ralph Lauren and Izod logos, have your seamstress whip up some St. Vincent de Paul or Salvation Army labels for a cover up.

Finding inner beauty

Speaking of plastic surgeons, now's a good time to get those implants (chin, butt, boob, pec, whatever) you and your family members have had your eyes on. In a time where the chasm between the haves and have nots has never been wider, putting all your money in your body instead of on it is the healthiest thing you can do. Another plus; If a revolution should occur and your fortune is pillaged, you'll still be able to hold on to hundreds of thousands of dollars of your assets -- nobody has figured out how to repossess a pound of flesh (or silicone gel). Yet.

Going from broke to spiritually enlightened in a few easy steps

It's a a shame that in our culture, being broke and unemployed with no future is often equated with being a loser.

People who used to identify success and happiness with material possessions and the ability to acquire them at whim, are understandably having problems dealing with prevailing economic setbacks.

Upon having their credit declined at the apple store when attempting to buy the newest iPhone, some have spiraled into depressions so deep, only a lexapro/klonopin cocktail can help them. Sadly, these people are usually the ones who gave up their health insurance a few months ago to buy the last lastest iPhone. As a result, a large portion of the population could descend into a black hole of despair that's not only fiscal, but mental.

Fortunately, all it takes is a slight shift in attitude and behaviors to turn the stigma of being broke, into an attribute to be admired.

The Gandhi manuever
Say you used to dress in the latest from the haute designers and now everything you own is so hopelessly two months ago you've gone into hiding. Find an old sheet and wear it Gandhi style. Tell anyone who will listen that it suddenly occurred to you that all those ridiculously expensive designer clothes ultimately brought you no happiness and were merely expensive cover ups for a gaping hole in your spirit. If you see someone wearing the Christian Leboutin shoes that you would have coveted before you found your soul, mention that for the same price, the proud owner could feed a starving Somalian family for a year. See how quickly you can re-spin your poverty into moral superiority. And it's not like a vow of poverty is irrevocable. If you ever get your financial bearings back, you can start shopping for the hottest designer sheets and matching accessories.

Volunteering













Now that you have nothing better to do, volunteering for a worthy non-profit organization is a great way to network, add to your resume and appear to give a damn about people less fortunate than yourself (link to list of worthy non-profits). Tell everyone that you're tired of working for the big corporate machine, chasing the dollar to feed your shallow addictions and you want to pursue an area where you can really make a positive impact on the world. Choose an organization that you either feel passionately about, or one that confers status on you. If you're opposed to manual labor, find a volunteer project that utilizes your preferred skill set and requires lots of dinner meetings. If you miraculously find gainful employment while you're in the middle of a project, you can always bail at the last minute. They'll understand that your new job will keep you incredibly busy shopping for new work clothes.

Environmental activism
Repeat after me: "I'm not living in a tree because I got evicted due to non-payment of rent/forclosed on. I'm living in a tree to make an environmental statement because I'm socially and environmentally aware and I have the balls to DO something about it."

The pros of tree sitting: Free rent. No utility bills. Well-meaning environmentalists will bring you food (free food.)

The cons of tree sitting: Free food is usually vegan. In other to maintain your integrity of an activist, you've got to stay up there. It can get pretty boring. But during daylight hours you'll have plenty of time to do some research and learn why sitting in a tree contributes to the environment.

Getting started
Nothing is easier than spinning your newly acquired poverty into socially conscious altruism once you get the hang of it. Here are a few things you need to tell yourself in order to begin the transformation.

Your electricity is off because you're tired of being held hostage to the energy companies.

You've started taking public transportation to reduce your carbon footprint and to experience life amongst the masses.

You're boycotting Wall Street by not using your credit cards (no need to mention they've all been cancelled)

You've eschewed personal grooming in order to shed the superficialities that society has imposed on you and focus on developing your inner beauty. Or just complain how all the grooming products are animal cruel, environmentally bad or owned by an evil corporation.

The pros and pros of declaring bankruptcy

The idea of declaring bankruptcy has always seemed a bit shameful, something to be avoided at all costs. In these times, that attitude is archaic and foolish. Especially when you consider that some of our most prestigious companies have done it, not to mention luminaries like Donald Trump, Larry King, Toni Braxton, Francis Ford Coppola and any number of Jacksons. And not one of them had to sacrifice their lavish standard of living, status or credit rating for one minute.

Clearly, it’s time to get over the stigma. Bankruptcy is awesome. Once you know the specifics, you’ll wish you did it sooner. I know I do.

What makes bankruptcy particularly appealing right now is the fact that the courts are so clogged with cases (over 6,000 new ones a day), it’ll take years for yours to be processed by the courts. That means after you file the preliminary papers, all your debts will be frozen and no further payment will be required until the court date (which should occur no sooner than 2014 at the current rate). In the meantime, nobody can take legal action against you, evict you or charge interest and penalties. Sure, it may screw up your credit rating for awhile, but let's get serious: your credit rating is so screwed, bankruptcy may be a step up. The past part is, you get to live exactly as you have been, without the annoying monthly payments.

Let me compare the lifestyle of two people who have been unemployed for over a year. One has declared bankruptcy (who we’ll call Prince) and the other hasn’t (we’ll call him Pauper)

Pauper has been trying desperately to pay off credit card debt for years. Unable to deal with the threats of creditors and predators, he moved into his parents' laundry room so he wouldn’t have he added burden of paying for a place to live. Since then he has staunched the financial bleeding, but has also acquired a chipped tooth from the zipper on the pants he intercepted on their flight to the washing machine, a nervous tic, and stress induced eczema (diagnosed by Google). Despite no longer having to pay rent, he still struggles monthly to pay his minimum balance, which is mostly interest. The principle debt is not going down. Pauper hasn’t been on vacation for years. His last clothing purchase was a pair of $2.00 flip flops on sale at Old Navy. He avoids people, because it usually involves spending money on drinks and food and he doesn’t want to blow his monthly food budget on a cup of coffee and a scone.

Meanwhile, Prince filed bankruptcy six months ago when the incessant calls from creditors were making it impossible to enjoy his new $500 Blackberry. Prince is still living in his lovely home, purchased for $300,000, borrowed on at $850,000 and now worth $600,000. Well, actually Prince is currently vacationing at a spa in Hawaii, which he can afford because he is no longer paying bills and isn’t accruing one bit of interest or penalties, while he waits for his case to make the court calendar. Now he can spend every cent he earns on necessities like food, clothing, vacations, premium cable, exfoliation and Cuban cigars. His skin is clear, his belly is full and he is up to date on the latest episode of Weeds.

The old way of thinking would have labeled Prince an immoral cad. Today he probably qualifies for a top banking job. On the other hand, Pauper comes off a naïve douche with bad teeth, unattractive skin and a twitch.

Before you rush off to declare bankruptcy, a few important tips. Maximizing the amount you'll be absolved from owing is just good business sense. Make sure you charge all your credit lines up to the limit before declaring. Get things you really need like a good haircut, pedicure and fancy Italian espresso/cappuccino maker (think of the money you'll save on Starbucks). While Chapter 11 is the most famous kind of bankruptcy, you'll want a Chapter 7, which lets you keep your material possessions without necessitating a repayment plan. You’ll probably lose your house if you have one, all your other possessions like your flatscreen, Dolce and Gabbana ensemble and sub-zero remain yours. You just don’t have to continue paying them off. And now that your house is worth less than you're paying for it, squatting there for free is a welcome relief from the burden of ownership.

Sound too good to be true? Well, there is a catch. It’ll cost you. In order to declare bankruptcy, there's a fee and you’ll probably need a lawyer, which usually costs $5,000 – $6,000 (which if you had it, you wouldn’t need to declare bankruptcy). So before you enter into an arrangement with any lawyer, make sure he or she accepts credit. If you can’t find a willing lawyer, try bartering. Sure, you may have to sacrifice your first born child, but you’re doing it for your child's own good (bankruptcy law is booming—he/she shall not want).

The other option is to file the initial claim yourself and go to law school. You'll earn your degree before the case comes to court.

The sooner you file, the sooner you can begin your new stress- free life and start accumulating new debt. Rumor has it Narciscoo Rodriguez's fall line is to die for.

The 14 stages of financial meltdown

Just like every tragedy in life, there is a process that every individual/major corporation/government goes through when experiencing financial loss for the first time. Because of the trauma and emotional complexity of going broke, the recovery process is more prolonged than your run of the mill disaster like death or divorce.
Based on my personal experience and intensive study, I've outlined the stages and given examples of common corresponding emotions and reactions. Invariably, each stage must be experienced fully by all three sectors in order for all of us to move on and lead happy, fulfilling lives.

1) Denial: You cope by telling yourself/shareholders/nation that everything will be fine because this can't be happening to an award winning copywriter and cardmember since 1993/a multinational corporation/America.

2) Shock: This period is characterized by numbness and an inability to act. A typical reaction is to watch reality TV for hours on end/go on corporate retreats/take a holiday break.

3) Denial: You help stimulate the economy by buying a $1,600 Chloe bag/an $80,000 commode for your office suite/billions of dollars in toxic assets.

4) Bargaining: Once you realize you can't meet your monthly minimum payments, a desperate search for funds commences. New credit lines are opened. Begging parents/The Federal Reserve/Nancy Pelosi for help can be expected during this stage.

5) Denial: Now that relief is in sight, old habits resume. You tell yourself that there will never be a full recovery unless you purchase a periwinkle blue cashmere sweater/Gulfstream jet/more toxic assets.

6) Fear: It finally hits you that your debt is mounting and productivity is down. Dark thoughts, such as "what if I never work again and have to live in the street?"/"What if I don't get my 46 million dollar bonus?"/"what if I don't get re-elected" may torment you.

7) Denial: You're convinced that with a little creative reshuffling you won't have to give up your previous way of life. You stock up on necessities such as ramen/lobbyists/pork.

8) Isolation: You avoid human interaction. You don't answer your phone, knowing it's from a phone bank in Asia/a bank in Asia/the Asian government, calling in your debt.

9) Denial: You site examples such as "I have a job interview next week"/"the market is stabilized"/"fewer people are googling economic recession" as proof that things are on the upswing.

10) Anger: At this point you'll become enraged at the unfairness of it all. You'll lash out and try to assign blame for your loss. In this volatile and muddled state, rage is commonly deflected into secondary but highly emotional issues like Jon and Kate/executive compensation caps/the opposition party's sex life.

11) Denial: You issue facebook updates/profit reports/press releases that imply things are getting better.

At this point, while individuals move on to the final stages, Wall Street and the government repeat stages 1-11. We can only hope they catch up to complete the following stages of the recovery process soon.

12) Sorrow: A period of mourning the loss of your financial security. You're finally able to cry over the possibility of never seeing your pension plan, doctor, and complete protein again.

13) Reconciliation: You begin to accept the fact that your credit rating and job opportunities are gone forever (or seven years, whichever comes first), and that your dreams of living like a pasha may be unattainable. You might consider a more ascetic, spiritual path. Some learn new skills like doing their own pedicures, learning Chinese and if you're an individual, theft (the other two branches have already mastered that one).

14) Recovery: You're finally ready to let go of your past way of life and move on to the next phase. Some relocate to a place where there's still hope of living the American dream (best bets are Latvia and Slovenia). Some move in with their parents or into a homeless shelter. Others find free room and board in prison.

Creative dentistry

There's only one thing worse than going to the dentist: not being able to afford going to the dentist when you need one.

While the health care crisis is a hot topic these days, people remain tight lipped about the dental crisis looming in America.

Most basic insurance plans offer a dental option. You pay $30 - $50 a month extra and if you're not denied coverage because your teeth are a preexisting condition, you may be reimbursed $20 for an $800 root canal. A moot point since you can't afford a basic insurance plan in the first place.

Dental work often costs more than medical procedures, and it's pretty much pay to play. Even if you give up food (which you may have to do anyways for lack of teeth), anyone struggling financially, will have to find new and creative approaches to oral emergencies.

After years of financial and dental decay, I've compiled a comprehensive list on how to ease the physical and emotional discomfort of poor dental health.

Cavities: If only all dental problems were this easy. Just fill the cavities with gum (preferably sugarless) or wax. A nice peppermint scented candle will freshen your breath at the same time.

Exposed nerve/root canal: Again, wax or gum fillings can be lifesavers, protecting the nerve from excrutiating contact with air. If the pain persists, thoroughly rinse your mouth with cheap vodka before swallowing. It works as both a numbing and antibacterial agent. If symptoms persist after numerous applications, find the nearest dental school and make an appointment for their free group training sessions. Make sure to bring an iPod to drown out the screams.

Tooth reconstruction, implants, crowns oral surgery: This stuff really adds up. Often, one simple procedure can cost more than your entire Citicard balance. If you can find a willing periodontist to marry, this may be your best option. Check the phone books and start calling around. You'll still need to pay for crowns, lab work and dentures, but that's a drop in the bucket compared to the periodontist fees. And now that you're married to a doctor, at least you have a breadwinner in the family to pay for it.

If you can't find a suitable periodontist and you're good with your hands, try carving teeth out of ivory, plastic marble or clay and engineer something with paper clips and crazy glue.

If none of these options work, you'll probably have to settle for some superficial adjustments.
Practice talking with your mouth closed. (link to learning ventriloquism).

Wax lips are an inexpensive way to cover up a hole in your smile, and some women pay thousands of dollars to get the exact same look. It's also an inexpensive replacement for lipstick (a near match for NARS Tango).

Wear a surgical mask when you go out in public. Your friends may think you're weirdly germaphobic or mourning Michael Jackson if you wear it in black, but at least they won't think you're broke. It will also protect you from swine flu.

Browse the novelty stores for an attractive set of vampire teeth. They're reasonably priced at $3.29, (versus $50,000 for six new upper teeth if done professionally). What with the popularity of Twilight and vampires in general, you can smile in style.

Fashion yourself a grill out of tin foil to hide a vacant or chipped tooth. It's a lot edgier than flashing a toothless grin or snarl.

Avoid all activities that involve smiling or laughter. Better yet, avoid anything that requires any facial movement and you'll also save yourself thousands of dollars in future Botox and Restalyne treatments.