Monday, March 23, 2009

Bargain hunting tips for corporate execs.

It's really not fair that we're so outraged at the shopping habits of corporate executives. After all, aren’t we applying our cultural standards on people to whom they're totally alien? Unlike most of us, they've never had to learn how to find a product at a fair and reasonable price. Unscrupulous merchants are taking advantage of their ignorance. Instead of outrage, don't they deserve our compassion and guidance? Let me be the first to extend the olive branch to corporate America with a few hints on how to save millions on basic necessities.
It’s an easy mistake for a cloistered wall street executive to think that installing an $80,000 18th century commode in your office suite is a reasonable, cost-efficient way of dealing with pressing lavatory needs. You probably weren't even aware that there’s a restroom down the hall. Or maybe you were aware, but don’t have a Segueway to transport you.

There are quite a few other options if you really feel you can't conduct business without a toilet in your office. And the prices start at $5.49 (for a pooper scooper and roll of plastic bags). My recommendation is the Excret 4200 at $159.00. It also doubles as a chair, so you can auction off your current $20,000 Louis Quatorze desk chair at Christies.

The total possible savings are $99,994.51. While that may seem like small potatoes to you in the scheme of things, remember, every little bit helps. At the very least you'll be able to take yourself out for a decent lunch.


  1. you are so kind and patient helping these scumbags become human beings. god is smiling down on you.

  2. I'm thinking of starting a non-profit to help these poor souls. Send your donation to me and I'll make sure it's dispersed appropriately.

  3. The other day I was trying to connect with the masses and wandered into a local deli for the first time. I was really thirsty so I bought a liter bottle of Evian water for $6,000 (I negotiated him down from $7,500). I thought I got a really great price, it being an import and all. But now I'm not so sure. Have I been had?
    J. Dimond

  4. J, I'm assuming you're in New York City, in which case the price you paid is just about right. Anywhere else, A liter bottle is about $3.00 and you were bilked. In the future, it may be worth your while to travel to NJ for the Evian. It'll cost you an extra $2.00 to get there by pathtrain, but you'll still wind up saving $5,995.00. Of if you're really desperate (Ie: on your third or fourth bailout), you could try tap water.

  5. doesn't Gay have the Excret 4200? I bet she paid over $2,000.

  6. I believe you're referring to the Excret 6500 which comes with a heated seat and bidet.