Champale on a tapwater budget

I don't care how little disposable income you have, sometimes you've got to pamper yourself. Whether it's a little "me time", buying yourself a luxury item, taking a mini-vacation or getting a lap dance in an S&M club, studies show that these occasional indulgences are rejuvenating and can even help with self-esteem.

You don't have to be a Wall Street executive, major sports figure, or a GOP strategist to partake in these blissful moments of pure, luxurious self-indulgence. You'll just have to adjust your definition of luxury a wee bit.

SPA TREATMENTS

Massage therapy

I learned this trick while taking care of a 21 pound cat named Ralph who gave me the best massage I ever had. If you don't have a cat, borrow one, the bigger the better. Wear something you don't want ruined (a vintage Armani jacket, or cashmere sweater for example), or just drape it over the affected muscle. It's only a matter of time before the cat will start kneading it. If you don't have any good clothing left, a piece of carpet or sofa fabric will also work. If the cat hasn't been declawed, you also get free acupuncture!

Here's another idea taken from the animal world: I've seen cats, dogs, horses and cows do it. Find a solid, well-anchored object that protrudes (ie: a fence post, doorknob, parking meter, mailbox or erect penis) . Lean the muscle or nerve that needs attention onto the object and adjust the pressure as you see fit.

Hot tubbing

There's nothing like a soak in churning hot water to melt away the stress of watching CNN all day. If you're really resourceful, you can create your own jacuzzi out of a dumpster and some garden hoses.

For those who lack engineering skills , I've found that a tub, hot water and a hand beater (or a wisk in a pinch) does the trick. It's also a great work out for the upper arms and pecs. One word of warning: although you may be tempted, do not attempt this with an electric mixer.

MINI VACATIONS

My vacation photos (4/6/10): Me next to a Bernini statue in Rome; me on the beach in Bali; me at Macchu Pichu

To me, there's nothing more restorative than a trip to a new, foreign destination.

Now that I can't even afford the fare to little Italy, Chinatown or Berkeley, I take Google vacations.

Just type in the destination of your choice and within seconds, you're there. Zoom in and it's just like being there without the jet lag, shots, expense, cultural immersion and worries about getting stuck next to Kevin Smith on the flight home.

Yesterday I visited, Macchu Pichu (without the altitude sickness), Bali, and Rome (how I love clicking down those ancient cobbled streets!). I topped it off with a visit to my favorite coffee shop in Amsterdam and still made it home in time for "American Idol."

GETTING YOURSELF A LITTLE SOMETHING

I don't have to tell you that buying yourself some small luxury item can be a salve to the battered soul of the working warrior. For some people it's shoes, for others it's electronic gadgets, for me it was lipstick. But non-working warriors need balm too.

I was fortunate in that I was able to see my crisis coming and scale back slowly, sparing me the pain of going cold turkey and the shock and indignity of downsizing too fast.

My financial meltdown in lipstick


From left to right: cle de peau $60; Guerlain Rouge G $45; Chanel $30; NARS $22; mac $14; Revlon $8; Wetnwild $1; cherry Chapstick $.69; a flattering shade of lollipop $.20; wild berries free

By studying the timeline above, you'll see how you can make the transition from Chanel Raspberry Crush to crushed wild raspberries painlessly. Find the shade of berry that's right for you.

The same principle can be applied to any type of product. Gadget freaks might start with an iPad and work their way down to another groundbreaking invention (in its time), the paperclip. Similarly, a shoe lover can go from Prada Gladiator Sandals, to Michael Kors to Steve Madden to Aerosoles to Keds to Old Navy flip flops to the drawstring from a Hefty Cinch Sak wrapped around the ankles and legs.

ALTERING YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS

For some people, all it takes is a nice cocktail, joint or little pill to take the edge off and feel like all is right with the world. But even these mental vacations have gotten pricey.

If you're lucky enough to have terrible vision like I do, I've found that removing my glasses or contacts has the same effect as two cocktails or one joint without the calories or munchies. This is also a great time to look in the mirror.

If you have perfect vision, borrow or steal glasses from someone with terrible vision. Do not attempt to drive or read the instructions on heavy machinery while under the influence.

Some people have reported that hyperventilating and getting up too quickly also works.

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Economic indicators suggest that this might be a good time to read my blog about being broke in France.

Finding your next set of wheels

art by deb lucke
Chances are, if you’re not in the market for a shopping cart right now, you will be soon. This guide should help you find the cart that’s right for you.

FAMILY-SIZED AND ECONOMY:
Costco shopping carts
Costco carts are humongous and totally lacking in style. But that’s part of their charm. In fact, it's the only part of their charm. Two-toned in black and grey steel, the design is no-nonsense--boxy and utilitarian. Made to shlep almost a ton of your most important belongings, even the 60 inch plasma TV you can’t bear to part with. Ergonomics are mediocre. A highly placed handle bar could contribute to shoulder and neck problems with continued use. The wheel system is primitive, yielding a rather bumpy ride. All in all, not a great choice unless you're a hopeless pack rat.
Target shopping carts
Target carts are sleek, shiny and well-designed. Metallic silver with accents of red, somehow these carts possess a sporty air that belies their massive size. Steel wheels and well maintained turning valves guarantee a smooth ride. A flap down child seat makes this the perfect cart for people with families who haven’t lost their style. Rumor has it, next years model will have a tin cup holder.

MID-SIZED:
Safeway shopping carts
A solid cart that holds a lot of stuff. Silver all over with particularly wide grids, Comes in a choice of Red or Blue plastic accents. it’s not the most efficient vehicle for transporting smaller items like jewelry and tchatchkes and cosmetics which can slip through the holes, but it’s great for larger objects like your shoes, purses and wintercoats. Theres a foot bar near the base on the drivers side that makes it particularly fun for popping wheelies.
Albertsons shopping carts
Frankly, these are the Pinto of shopping carts. It’s not that they’re unattractive. They’re well designed from a esthetic point of view. But practically speaking, they’re one of the reasons Albertsons are closing all over the country. The wheels don’t turn properly, they’re imbalanced and are always getting stuck. Particularly in the ice cream section. But even if they were driveable, these carts were obviously designed by someone who only uses shopping carts for groceries. The size and inner design ensures that everything in it, from your aquarium, to your wardrobe to 20 pounds of old newspaper are always cramped.
Lucky shopping carts
While owned by Albertsons, the Lucky logo on your shopping cart shows that you have both style and a keen sense of irony. Design-wise ithere’s nothing flashy about these carts. They’re your basic middle of the road, well constructed, durable cart. They have got plenty of room and the ride is smooth. A nice ergonomic touch, the hand formed rubber handles provide an exceedingly comfortable grip. On the downside, these carts are prone to rust, so you have to be careful to keep them out of the rain. Not recommended for Pacific Northwest dwellers unless they have a second cart.

LUXURY AND HYBRIDS
Trader Joes shopping carts
Neither luxury or utilitarian, a Trader Joe's cart is the rare hybrid that’s both practical and sporty. The lines are jaunty and clean, it comes in a hot fire engine red, the wheels are aligned so it corners like a dream. And while the cart is compact and agile, it carries a lot of stuff. The best of all worlds.

Whole Foods shopping carts
Definitely the status cart of the bunch. Sleek stainless steel design with forest green accents. Ergonomically designed handles and baby seat. But like so many coveted vehicles, the Whole Food cart has some fatal flaws. The wheels have a tendency to stick, which makes running from the law or creditors problematic. Such thoughtless engineering is all the more unforgivable considering that shopping at Whole Foods helped you go broke in the first place.