Get in touch with your inner savvy businessman

You've worked hard all your life to achieve the American dream. But it's starting to seem as though the only people living the dream are those who President Obama refers to as "savvy businessmen."


Some argue that an Ivy League education is critical to achieving business savvy. Others insist it's pedigree (one of your ancestors must be the spawn of Satan). My personal theory is that we're all born with business savvy but it's usually socialized out of us.

No matter. It's clear that we all need to start incorporating the principles of savvy businessmen into our own lives if we're going to get ahead. Here are a few tips to get you started.

Redefining your work ethic

Many people make the mistake of assuming hard work and providing quality goods or services is all it takes to succeed. Wrong. It's how much you can rake in for you and your shareholders while providing as little value as possible to the consumer. We've seen how this principle works for banks and large corporations, but how does this apply to average Americans?


Say you happen to get lucky and score a housecleaning job. Don't make the mistake of spending an inordinate amount of time cleaning. When you're not blogging, tweeting and issuing Facebook updates about how hard you're working cleaning the house, most of your time should be spent lowering the wattage on all the light bulbs, smearing Vaseline on the homeowners' glasses and shoving things under rugs to give the appearance of cleanliness.

As your skills improve, you can start removing expensive articles and cash from the home to sell them. If you're really savvy, you'll even charge a removal fee.

Apply this kind of thinking to your every endeavor.

Eliminate deadwood
If there's someone in your life sapping you of resources that could be better put towards redecorating your den or a nice vacation, dump them immediately. Don't let sentiment, loyalty, humanity, commitment, personal responsibility get in the way.

Note to men: unless your wife has a paying job or a trust fund, you'll want to get rid of her too. As you become more savvy, you'll probably want a brand new trophy wife. Consider bringing in someone from Asia or Russia--they'll do the same job for much cheaper and are much more appreciative of your meager benefits.

Become too big to fail

We've all seen the benefits of being too big to fail. But if you're not a major corporation who holds the economy in your hands, where can you go when you need a large quantity of cash to avoid devastation of apocalyptic proportions?

Fortunately, with a little planning and cultivation, similar types of bailouts are available to everyone. Just make sure to keep all receipts, correspondence, texts, videotapes, blood tests and semen stains. When you go to your benefactor on bended knee, make sure it's clear that if you go down, they're going down with you.

The importance of branding
We've seen how savvy businessmen have renamed old financial products and turned them into lucrative earning tools. Banks cleverly rebranded "usury" by renaming it "29% plus fees and penalties" and opened the door for billions in earnings. "Unloading worthless crap on the taxpayers" became "Public-Private Investment Program". And lets not forget Goldman Sachs' brilliant rebranding of "massive Ponzi scheme" to "doing God's work."

Similarly, insurance companies made a bundle rebranding "protection money" with the new name, "premiums." Some advertising agencies have followed their lead by rebranding "slave labor" as "crowdsourcing."

Think about how you can rebrand financial instruments in your own life. "Shoplifting" can become "long term non-collateralized loan". "Running a sweat shop" is "teaching children life skills" and "fraud" becomes "storytelling." Suddenly, the world is your oyster.

Creative dentistry

There's only one thing worse than going to the dentist: not being able to afford going to the dentist when you need one.

While the health care crisis is a hot topic these days, people remain tight lipped about the dental crisis looming in America.

Most basic insurance plans offer a dental option. You pay $30 - $50 a month extra and if you're not denied coverage because your teeth are a preexisting condition, you may be reimbursed $20 for an $800 root canal. A moot point since you can't afford a basic insurance plan in the first place.

Dental work often costs more than medical procedures, and it's pretty much pay to play. Even if you give up food (which you may have to do anyways for lack of teeth), anyone struggling financially, will have to find new and creative approaches to oral emergencies.

After years of financial and dental decay, I've compiled a comprehensive list on how to ease the physical and emotional discomfort of poor dental health.

Cavities: If only all dental problems were this easy. Just fill the cavities with gum (preferably sugarless) or wax. A nice peppermint scented candle will freshen your breath at the same time.

Exposed nerve/root canal: Again, wax or gum fillings can be lifesavers, protecting the nerve from excrutiating contact with air. If the pain persists, thoroughly rinse your mouth with cheap vodka before swallowing. It works as both a numbing and antibacterial agent. If symptoms persist after numerous applications, find the nearest dental school and make an appointment for their free group training sessions. Make sure to bring an iPod to drown out the screams.

Tooth reconstruction, implants, crowns oral surgery: This stuff really adds up. Often, one simple procedure can cost more than your entire Citicard balance. If you can find a willing periodontist to marry, this may be your best option. Check the phone books and start calling around. You'll still need to pay for crowns, lab work and dentures, but that's a drop in the bucket compared to the periodontist fees. And now that you're married to a doctor, at least you have a breadwinner in the family to pay for it.

If you can't find a suitable periodontist and you're good with your hands, try carving teeth out of ivory, plastic marble or clay and engineer something with paper clips and crazy glue.

If none of these options work, you'll probably have to settle for some superficial adjustments.
Practice talking with your mouth closed. (link to learning ventriloquism).

Wax lips are an inexpensive way to cover up a hole in your smile, and some women pay thousands of dollars to get the exact same look. It's also an inexpensive replacement for lipstick (a near match for NARS Tango).

Wear a surgical mask when you go out in public. Your friends may think you're weirdly germaphobic or mourning Michael Jackson if you wear it in black, but at least they won't think you're broke. It will also protect you from swine flu.

Browse the novelty stores for an attractive set of vampire teeth. They're reasonably priced at $3.29, (versus $50,000 for six new upper teeth if done professionally). What with the popularity of Twilight and vampires in general, you can smile in style.

Fashion yourself a grill out of tin foil to hide a vacant or chipped tooth. It's a lot edgier than flashing a toothless grin or snarl.

Avoid all activities that involve smiling or laughter. Better yet, avoid anything that requires any facial movement and you'll also save yourself thousands of dollars in future Botox and Restalyne treatments.