Get in touch with your inner savvy businessman

You've worked hard all your life to achieve the American dream. But it's starting to seem as though the only people living the dream are those who President Obama refers to as "savvy businessmen."


Some argue that an Ivy League education is critical to achieving business savvy. Others insist it's pedigree (one of your ancestors must be the spawn of Satan). My personal theory is that we're all born with business savvy but it's usually socialized out of us.

No matter. It's clear that we all need to start incorporating the principles of savvy businessmen into our own lives if we're going to get ahead. Here are a few tips to get you started.

Redefining your work ethic

Many people make the mistake of assuming hard work and providing quality goods or services is all it takes to succeed. Wrong. It's how much you can rake in for you and your shareholders while providing as little value as possible to the consumer. We've seen how this principle works for banks and large corporations, but how does this apply to average Americans?


Say you happen to get lucky and score a housecleaning job. Don't make the mistake of spending an inordinate amount of time cleaning. When you're not blogging, tweeting and issuing Facebook updates about how hard you're working cleaning the house, most of your time should be spent lowering the wattage on all the light bulbs, smearing Vaseline on the homeowners' glasses and shoving things under rugs to give the appearance of cleanliness.

As your skills improve, you can start removing expensive articles and cash from the home to sell them. If you're really savvy, you'll even charge a removal fee.

Apply this kind of thinking to your every endeavor.

Eliminate deadwood
If there's someone in your life sapping you of resources that could be better put towards redecorating your den or a nice vacation, dump them immediately. Don't let sentiment, loyalty, humanity, commitment, personal responsibility get in the way.

Note to men: unless your wife has a paying job or a trust fund, you'll want to get rid of her too. As you become more savvy, you'll probably want a brand new trophy wife. Consider bringing in someone from Asia or Russia--they'll do the same job for much cheaper and are much more appreciative of your meager benefits.

Become too big to fail

We've all seen the benefits of being too big to fail. But if you're not a major corporation who holds the economy in your hands, where can you go when you need a large quantity of cash to avoid devastation of apocalyptic proportions?

Fortunately, with a little planning and cultivation, similar types of bailouts are available to everyone. Just make sure to keep all receipts, correspondence, texts, videotapes, blood tests and semen stains. When you go to your benefactor on bended knee, make sure it's clear that if you go down, they're going down with you.

The importance of branding
We've seen how savvy businessmen have renamed old financial products and turned them into lucrative earning tools. Banks cleverly rebranded "usury" by renaming it "29% plus fees and penalties" and opened the door for billions in earnings. "Unloading worthless crap on the taxpayers" became "Public-Private Investment Program". And lets not forget Goldman Sachs' brilliant rebranding of "massive Ponzi scheme" to "doing God's work."

Similarly, insurance companies made a bundle rebranding "protection money" with the new name, "premiums." Some advertising agencies have followed their lead by rebranding "slave labor" as "crowdsourcing."

Think about how you can rebrand financial instruments in your own life. "Shoplifting" can become "long term non-collateralized loan". "Running a sweat shop" is "teaching children life skills" and "fraud" becomes "storytelling." Suddenly, the world is your oyster.

The next big thing in marketing: Anti-Social Media

Economic and demographic figures show a rapidly growing segment is tuning out Twitter, Facebook and other social networking phenomenon in favor of isolation, gazing blankly into space and weeping a lot.

The question facing marketers is how to reach the emerging "impoverished isolator" demographic; people who rarely leave their homes, have stopped keeping up with friends and family and often spend several hours a day in the fetal position.

Smart marketers are looking into Anti-Social Media -- any place you can put an ad or logo that reaches an audience that has ceased caring about anything except meeting their most basic needs.

The print revolution

Print media isn’t dead, it’s just changed location. With traditional media facing extinction and a disheartened, disinterested public, Toilet Paper Messaging (TPM) has emerged as one of the most effective marketing tools out there. Even in a difficult economy, toilet paper users remain loyal with a share holding steady and even growing as people begin using it as a replacement for pricier Kleenex. If you’re trying to reach a wide audience, not even a Superbowl ad matches toilet paper’s reach. TPM guarantees exposure 3-4 times a day while the Superbowl ad is a seven million dollar, 30 second, one shot. It should also be noted that toilet paper enjoys high viewership during Superbowl ads.

The soft sell strategy

Considering that ever since its introduction, the pillow has consistently averaged at least seven hours a day consumer exposure within virtually every target (A.C. Nielson, June 2007), it's surprising its marketing potential hasn't been exploited sooner. Recent studies show that the time consumers spend with pillows rising at an astronomic rate, with the average now ranging from 8-24 hours a day. The above ad illustrates how placement and messaging can create a powerfully persuasive communication. 95% of the focus group responders said they'd consider Met Life as a life insurance option if they could afford life insurance.

Mobile technology for an audience going nowhere.

Twitter, texting and other mobile messaging tools are losing their effectiveness as the public becomes immobilized by debt and depression. Fortunately, new technologies are being fashioned to replace them. One promising mobile device being tested in beta, involves attaching your message/graphic/logo to a string, wire or whatever is handy and hanging it from ceilings. Like its mobile predecessors, it hasn't done much for sales, but top-of-mind awareness numbers are through the roof. It also enhances multi-tasking abilities by allowing the target audience to engage with a brand while simultaneously staring at the ceiling listlessly.