Saturday, June 6, 2009

A few telltale signs you're going under.

1. You’ve been using the stack of unopened bills in the corner as a table.

2. Suddenly, spending three hours on the phone with your bank demanding an explanation for a $35.00 late fee is the most profitable way of spending your time.

3. In a blind taste test of Ramen flavors, you got 100%.

4. You’ve sadly noted that the prevalence of cellphones makes coin returns no longer a viable source of income.

5. You occasionally wish that some hacker would steal your identity (boy, would he or she be sorry).

6. You find yourself flummoxed by decisions you would have considered obvious a year ago…like whether or not to eat the 20 year old misshapen can of beans you found in the garage next to the paint thinner.

7. You envy your pot dealer for having a viable career.

8. You’re boycotting the banks and credit card companies (well… that’s what you’re telling everyone)

9. You don’t even bother to get up and answer the phone when it rings, you just flip it the finger from your recumbent position on the couch.

10. You spend an inordinate time regretting random past opportunities missed (like not eating more of the fried chicken at the office picnic back in 1994)

11. You’ve discovered after all these years of insisting you’d never sell out for money, it turns out you would. In fact, you’d be willing to sell out for a piece of chicken.

12. You find hope in the possibility that Armageddon may occur during this billing cycle.

13. You've started contemptuously referring to anyone wearing this season's shoes as "the man".

14. You’re on your third TARP bailout.