Unemployed? Unskilled? Unqualified? Your New Career Awaits!

You've tried to ignore all the dire job reports, but it's not working. Small businesses keep closing. Large businesses keep outsourcing and replacing people with technology. How will those lost jobs ever come back?

You're starting to think you may have no other choice but to go back to school, work hard and learn some new skills that will be viable in the new economy. That sort of attitude will get you nowhere except the poorhouse. Education and skills are best left to blue collar workers and immigrants.

Fortunately, there's a boom happening here right under your nose (if that's where your TV remote is). If you get on board now, you could be set for life, or at the very least, 15 minutes. Yes, I'm talking about reality TV.

Reality TV is among the few things left besides financial derivatives and high fructose corn syrup that's still being produced and consumed voraciously in the US. To the modern American, reality TV is what the WPA was to the struggling masses in the 30s (without the socialist government intervention).

There are 800 reality shows out there and more going into production every day. One of them is right for you.

Getting that first gig


Study the casting calls to determine which jobs will meet your immediate needs (ie: cash, free craft services, lodging, a vacation, attention, a nanny, a mini facelift...) I made the mistake of getting addicted to inhalants in order to get a spot on Intervention only to discover they don't pay their addicts (for ethical reasons). Boy, was I bummed! On the bright side, the rehab facility they sent me to is fabulous!!! But I digress.

Once you've narrowed it down ask yourself what you really want to be doing for the next 13 weeks. Do you want to work for Diddy? Lose 500 lbs? Find your soul mate? Get a shot at love? Be Paris Hilton's BFF? Become a REAL Housewife (as opposed to the pretend one you've been all these years) and get some new clothes, a facelift, boobs and a tummy tuck? Breed prolifically? The job of your dreams is out there.

You'll need to make a short video about yourself (and your family if they're a part of the deal). Include a headshot (if you don't have one, your most recent mug shot will do). They may ask you to tweet them your resume.

If you're a woman and don't have massive boobs, don't worry, you can still get cast on a reality show. Heidi Montag started out with nothing, but used The Hills as a platform to acquire all the massive boobs she wanted. As a rule, the only mandatory requirement to get on a reality show is stripper pole experience.

Don't bother applying to MTV if you're over 18 (your IQ, I mean).

Onward and upward



When you first start a reality show, the hours and competition can be grueling. You may be asked to perform distasteful tasks like eating bugs or sleeping in a bunk bed. Hang in there! Unlike other jobs, it will invariably lead to bigger and better things.

Consider your role an entry level position to some of the best opportunities in America -- from singer/songwriter, to author, to businessperson, to designer, to product endorser to pundit to correspondent to talk show host to basketball player's wife. Heck, Wall Street is even recruiting top execs from Vegas Virgins and Face the Ace (gambling reality shows).

Establish your area of expertise, even if you don't have one. Call yourself "countess" or "doctor," "a businessperson" or "a good mother." If you say something enough times on TV, it will be true.

At the very least, you'll get a book deal. And if a whole book seems like too many words, follow the example of Kim Kardashian who was reportedly paid $10,000 for a single tweet. That's $72 a character, or $357 per five letter word. Without a reality show, she'd be lucky to get $75 for 500 words on "how to shoot a home movie" for Demand Media like everyone else.

Study the trajectory of Kate Gosselin. She has managed her career admirably, starting as a wife and prolific breeder, to Jon and Kate Plus 8, to author (and expert on raising children, to betrayed wife, to Dancing with the Stars, to a correspondent job on the E network. Now she can afford a nanny so she'll never have to spend time with her rugrats again. The woman is a genius!

Become a part of America's cultural lexicon
Entertainment has always provided escape to stressed Americans in times of financial duress. During the last depression, Hollywood transported us with masterpieces and larger than life talent. The entertainment industry is doing it again now, without talent of any size. And just think, one of the principles could be you!

Take a look at how some of those timeless performances are being reinterpreted today:

Unforgettable singing performances


Amazing dance routines


Epic love stories


New friends journey together in search of their hearts' desire.


A patriarchal figure struggles to provide a decent life for his girls.

Now, get to work!


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Read about real housewives in France.

The banker who shagged us

If this isn't separated at birth, I don't know what is.

Dr. Evil: Okay then, we hold the world ransom for...
One... Hundred... BILLION DOLLARS!

"Fight on, Goldman Sachs!", Frank Rich, NYT 4/25/10

Tax day freebies or murder?

Several fast food companies are offering free food on Tax day. I'm sure some smart marketer told them that it would instill goodwill among their target audience.

For me, it's instilled nausea. I hope Kaiser Permanante is running a tax day promotion.

Champale on a tapwater budget

I don't care how little disposable income you have, sometimes you've got to pamper yourself. Whether it's a little "me time", buying yourself a luxury item, taking a mini-vacation or getting a lap dance in an S&M club, studies show that these occasional indulgences are rejuvenating and can even help with self-esteem.

You don't have to be a Wall Street executive, major sports figure, or a GOP strategist to partake in these blissful moments of pure, luxurious self-indulgence. You'll just have to adjust your definition of luxury a wee bit.

SPA TREATMENTS

Massage therapy

I learned this trick while taking care of a 21 pound cat named Ralph who gave me the best massage I ever had. If you don't have a cat, borrow one, the bigger the better. Wear something you don't want ruined (a vintage Armani jacket, or cashmere sweater for example), or just drape it over the affected muscle. It's only a matter of time before the cat will start kneading it. If you don't have any good clothing left, a piece of carpet or sofa fabric will also work. If the cat hasn't been declawed, you also get free acupuncture!

Here's another idea taken from the animal world: I've seen cats, dogs, horses and cows do it. Find a solid, well-anchored object that protrudes (ie: a fence post, doorknob, parking meter, mailbox or erect penis) . Lean the muscle or nerve that needs attention onto the object and adjust the pressure as you see fit.

Hot tubbing

There's nothing like a soak in churning hot water to melt away the stress of watching CNN all day. If you're really resourceful, you can create your own jacuzzi out of a dumpster and some garden hoses.

For those who lack engineering skills , I've found that a tub, hot water and a hand beater (or a wisk in a pinch) does the trick. It's also a great work out for the upper arms and pecs. One word of warning: although you may be tempted, do not attempt this with an electric mixer.

MINI VACATIONS

My vacation photos (4/6/10): Me next to a Bernini statue in Rome; me on the beach in Bali; me at Macchu Pichu

To me, there's nothing more restorative than a trip to a new, foreign destination.

Now that I can't even afford the fare to little Italy, Chinatown or Berkeley, I take Google vacations.

Just type in the destination of your choice and within seconds, you're there. Zoom in and it's just like being there without the jet lag, shots, expense, cultural immersion and worries about getting stuck next to Kevin Smith on the flight home.

Yesterday I visited, Macchu Pichu (without the altitude sickness), Bali, and Rome (how I love clicking down those ancient cobbled streets!). I topped it off with a visit to my favorite coffee shop in Amsterdam and still made it home in time for "American Idol."

GETTING YOURSELF A LITTLE SOMETHING

I don't have to tell you that buying yourself some small luxury item can be a salve to the battered soul of the working warrior. For some people it's shoes, for others it's electronic gadgets, for me it was lipstick. But non-working warriors need balm too.

I was fortunate in that I was able to see my crisis coming and scale back slowly, sparing me the pain of going cold turkey and the shock and indignity of downsizing too fast.

My financial meltdown in lipstick


From left to right: cle de peau $60; Guerlain Rouge G $45; Chanel $30; NARS $22; mac $14; Revlon $8; Wetnwild $1; cherry Chapstick $.69; a flattering shade of lollipop $.20; wild berries free

By studying the timeline above, you'll see how you can make the transition from Chanel Raspberry Crush to crushed wild raspberries painlessly. Find the shade of berry that's right for you.

The same principle can be applied to any type of product. Gadget freaks might start with an iPad and work their way down to another groundbreaking invention (in its time), the paperclip. Similarly, a shoe lover can go from Prada Gladiator Sandals, to Michael Kors to Steve Madden to Aerosoles to Keds to Old Navy flip flops to the drawstring from a Hefty Cinch Sak wrapped around the ankles and legs.

ALTERING YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS

For some people, all it takes is a nice cocktail, joint or little pill to take the edge off and feel like all is right with the world. But even these mental vacations have gotten pricey.

If you're lucky enough to have terrible vision like I do, I've found that removing my glasses or contacts has the same effect as two cocktails or one joint without the calories or munchies. This is also a great time to look in the mirror.

If you have perfect vision, borrow or steal glasses from someone with terrible vision. Do not attempt to drive or read the instructions on heavy machinery while under the influence.

Some people have reported that hyperventilating and getting up too quickly also works.

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Economic indicators suggest that this might be a good time to read my blog about being broke in France.

The Jobs report

Sure, the recent employment figures don't look good. But the evidence in front of apple stores this weekend tells a different story. Unless there's a Cash for Kindles program that I'm unaware of, the economy is finally getting back on it's feet.

How else can one explain the fact that the lines for the iPad debut were longer than those at the unemployment office? You'd think they were passing out government cheese (with an apple logo on it, of course).

700,000 iPads sold in two days. Which means last weekend the American consumer spent almost $500,000,000* for a product they don't need.

We're back!!!!

* calculated on a 2008 Macbook Pro calculator application, so that figure may be obsolete)