Stylish alternatives to living on the street.

Just because you’re totally broke doesn’t mean you have to abandon the dream of living somewhere spacious, beautiful, architecturally important and very expensive. I'm talking about living under a bridge.

The right bridge can provide excellent shelter as well as reflect your taste and status. And unlike your current housing set up, a good bridge comes with access to free running water, weekly janitorial service and maintenance, not to mention public transportation virtually right outside your front door. The ubiqutous tollbooths make living under a bridge the closest thing to a gated community you can get for $0/month.

Here are some examples of what's available around the country:

New York City: Pre-war classic.. This 3460 foot granite and steel suspension bridge offers spectacular views of Manhattan and Brooklyn. Easy access to the arts, fine scavenging, upscale shoplifting as well as some very nice parks and public spaces. Built in 1883, for 18million dollars (which was nothing to sneeze at back then), the original details are still intact, a little TLC will make it sparkle. Perfect location for Wall Streeters.
Florida: Post modern masterpiece. 29,040 feet of steel and concrete, the sunshine skyway bridge is for those who like their clean spacious design with a little edge. Completed in 1987 this beauty offers classic suspension construction coupled with dramatic details and views of Ft. Lauderdale and Bradenburg. With several golf courses nearby, year around sunshine and easy access to decent healthcare in the Caribbean and Mexico, this is an excellent place to retire.

Northern California: Views, views, views.. no matter where you're standing on this 8981 ft icon of steel and concrete, you'll have a spectacular view (except when the fog rolls in). Designed by Robert Straus in 1937, the Golden Gate bridge is now one of the most coveted pieces of real estate in America. Residents enjoy nature in the nearby Marin County public spaces as well as partake in the lavishly filled dumpsters in the city.

Chesapeake Bay: $200 million marvel of engineering.The Chesapeake Bay Bridge is the bridge equivalent of the Neverland ranch. A massive 89760 feet of steel and concrete, it dips over and under open waters with a complex chain of artificial islands, tunnels and bridges. This 200 million dollar futuristic wonder spans four separate states, convenient for anyone anticipating trouble with the local authorities.

Minnesota: Charming 19th century fixer upper. If you prefer rustic charm to grandeur and don't mind cold winters, this could be the bridge for you. The Archstone Bridge in Minneapolis consists of 2176 feet of native granite and limestone. Converted from a railroad bridge in 1965, 26 well-placed arches add character and warmth. As a pedestrian bridge and historic landmark, it's a great place to panhandle --just think, no more commuting!

A guide to world bridges for impoverished expats is coming soon. Suggestions and recommendations are always appreciated.

The latest "must-have" item.

Perfect for multi-tasking, the potato serves as a vegetable, a complex carb, a useful arts and crafts tool, entertainment, breakfast, lunch, dinner, a source of potassium and other vital vitamins and minerals. Chic-ly packaged in a discreet brown wrapper, the potato is one of the few things left you can buy with spare change or foodstamps that will give you any pleasure. Designer models in red, blue, and gold are also available. Find out more about the potato’s many applications, including recipes and tips.

Taking your life back from creditors.

Say you've been paying Citichaseamexbofa 700.00 a month for the past eight years. Despite the fact that you’ve charged nothing on the card since 1999 and have paid them over twice the original debt, your balance has essentially remained the same.

Say you wake up one morning and decide that in keeping with the new austerity, you’re going to stop wasting your entire unemployment check on the mindless hedonistic pleasure of protecting your precious credit rating (like it’s not shot already). This month, you're going to try eating, and maybe splurge on something crazy like health insurance. So you stop paying your credit card bills.

Now they're calling you 8 to 10 times a day and you're cowering in the corner every time the phone rings because you know they’ll threaten to ruin your life by denying you the dream of homeownership and deeper debt. It’ll go on your record forgodsakes. You’ll be a pariah. Probably even in the afterlife. You're doomed.

Okay....take a deep breath. Take a moment to appreciate the irony. Citichaseamexbofa is on their 3rd bailout with 33% of the money you made when you were making money and you’re begging them not to ruin YOUR credit rating? Time for an attitude re-adjustment.

While your predadators may appear bigger and stronger with their fancy phone banks in Asia to torment you, their position is as precarious as yours. Sure, you may feel like the hunted, but what’s really going on is a waiting game --who will go down first, you or them?

So next time they call, answer the phone. While you’re on hold, use the time to brace yourself with steely reminders that you’re the boss, not them. Try to ignore the fact that they've got you listening to muzak even though they called you.

Keep a clear head. When a human finally comes on, remember they're just doing their job. They have a college degree and the only reason they’re working at a phone bank harassing people is to earn enough money to avoid being harassed themselves.

Once they've listed your payment options, politely but firmly tell them you’re giving them one last chance to make you a FAIR offer. Otherwise, they won’t get a cent and you’ll be referring the case to the Attorney General and Department of Thrift. Suggest that if citichaseamexbofa has been banking on you paying them 10 grand a year for the rest of your life only to pass on the same debt you started with to your successors, maybe you can get a package deal on chapter 11 lawyers.

Keep repeating this to the 29 people you get transferred to (think of it as an audio tour of Asia). After several hours and dozens of repetitions, you’ll finally get someone who will put your ever growing interest rate, penalties and phone calls on hold while they delve into your history and try to find a resolution.

That gives you a couple of days to cash in your remaining assets, get a new identity, and get out of town.

Identifying job opportunities and growth markets in the US.

Crime. Crime offers some of the best job opportunities in the United States at this point in history. Crimes with news value are the most lucrative (stalk a celebrity, shoot someone's wife). Even a misdemeanor can be highly profitable if you choose your crime wisely. Best case scenario, with a little smart publicity, you'll have a book deal and reality show in no time. Worst case scenario, you'll have free room and board for 6 months to life.

Non-profits. Non-profits can be particularly profitable in places like Northern California where wealth, hedonism and guilt still run rampant. It's relatively easy to start a non-profit and assign yourself a hefty salary (much easier than getting unemployment or health insurance). All you need is a mission statement and you're on the way to getting grants and donors. Take special care in crafting a statement that promises to serve yourself without sounding self serving. For example: in my case, instead of stating that my mission is to eat, I put it in a context that makes me the victim of some social crime. Thus, the mission becomes "To feed and clothe women who used to get jobs because they were cute, but now they're not cute any more". Or say your mission is to go buy a villa in Hawaii: your mission statement would be "to provide economic stimulus and cultural exchange with indigenous Americans in remote regions." Congratulations on your new career and avocation!

Religious icons Even in a recession, God-loving people would rather spend money on ridiculously expensive toast, rocks, vegetables, logs, etc with images of Jesus and the blessed virgin on them than feed and clothe their families. Look for these images in everyday items you've got lying around. If you have problems finding them, try a mild hallucinogenic. If you find a holy image on an object you can't sell, like a watermark on your ceiling, an oil stain in your driveway, or a crack in the bridge you sleep under, you might want to consider selling healing tours and pilgrimages. On the downside, pilgrimages and tours won't be the source of a huge windfall or pay off your entire Citicard bill. On the upside, they provide a steady income which is beneficial for those with poor financial planning skills. Selling tours also presents lucrative merchandising opportunities.

Leadership jobs in the GOP If you have absolutely no skills or experience at anything useful and no desire to learn, you might want to consider working for the GOP. They sorely need strategists, front men/women, speechwriters, speechmakers, senate, congress and presidential material and are willing to consider anyone. Salaries are high and perks are lavish, including high visibility, designer wardrobes, free private jet flights and luxury travel to promote peace in the middle east.

Careers in debt collection and repossession are booming . A smart career option anywhere in the country, the Southern states boast the highest salaries in the country. The only drawback is you’ll have to put up with being shot at. Small price to pay for a decent wage.


Become a bankruptcy lawyer. Bankruptcy law is probably the most recession proof career out there. The way the current laws have it, you can’t declare bankruptcy without paying a lawyer $5,000 to file for you. In fact, it may be one of the few industries that won't need to be bailed out in the future. The only catch is, when the economy picks up in a decade or two, you'll probably have to find another career. But by then, you'll have made enough money to retire comfortably (as long as you don't invest it).

The most secure places to put your remaining assets.

Unless all your worldly assets are tied up in cashmere sweaters, Prada or food, chances are, you’ve lost at least lost 40% of your net worth. And no matter where your remaining assets are, you’re probably also deeply in debt. Your main concern right now is to protect what little capital you have left

Some say keep it in the market; now is no time to sell. They argue that sooner or later it’ll go back up again. Aside from the obvious question of whether the upturn will happen in this millennium, what if some emergency expense pops up when the market is at its most volatile? You could wind up selling your entire portfolio to buy a tank of gas when technically, a tank of gas should really cost you half your portfolio. Or what if the market crashes and burns completely, leaving you with no pension and a worthless portfolio?

Some people still prefer the “security” of a large institution for their remaining assets. Most banks offer FDIC protection for deposits under $100,000, so even if the bank goes under, the insurance covers your $100. That’s providing the insurance company doesn’t go under, of course.

You may want to do a rudimentary check to make sure your chosen bank won’t be melting down soon. Extensive research, Googling and common sense should be your guide. My general rule is if a bank has recently sent me a pre-approved credit card offer, they’re a poor risk and will likely go under soon. What kind of idiotic company would extend credit to me? That probably eliminates every bank you’ve ever heard of.

Many banks won’t accept deposits of less than $100. Those that do tend to get a little uppity when presented with a deposit in 20 lbs of rolled pennies. You might get a little more respect and service from a piggy bank, without the fees.

Speaking of fees, if you decide to go the bank route, you must be vigilant. If you’re not paying attention, your $100.00 deposit could become a negative balance in a matter of months. Be prepared to spend at least two working days a month scouring your statements and balances with a fine tooth comb, and then another two working days trying to find the person to talk to, who will return the $44.00 in hidden fees to your account. In other words, you should really be unemployed to make having a bank account a sensible option for your remaining assets..

Which leads to another tried and true option: the mattress. The pros of the mattress are obvious: Unlike a bank account, when you put your money into a mattress, you know you’re also getting a service—a place to sleep. And unlike a bank account, you won’t wake up one morning to find that half your money is missing in service fees (unless you shop in your sleep) .

But the lack of portability can also be considered a plus. Since you can’t carry your mattress around like a debit or credit card, you’ll find it harder to impulsively fritter your life savings away on a mocha frappucino and ant traps.

But in these troubled times, we should be considering new places to put our assets rather than resorting to methods that have been used in the past. Here are a few thoughts:

Stuff it in your bra. If you’ve ever considered breast implants, this could kill two…no, three birds with one stone. If you’re over 40, you can be certain that nobody will ever touch your money but you. And it’s one of the few places left where you have the hope of getting a return on your investment. Rumor has it, that’s where Dolly Parton keeps her assets and even in a lousy economy, they seem to be growing.
If you happen to be male, apply the same concept to your pants.

Diversify—Keep some under the couch cushions, some in various pockets, briefcase, glove compartment, use some as bookmarks. This way, you’ll never lose everything and you get to experience the elation of finding five bucks in your pocket every now and then. It may be the only source of joy you have left.

Buried in a jar in your back yard (if you still have one). It’s safe, cheap and jars are portable. If you must flee the premises suddenly, the jar won’t hinder your escape, unless you can’t remember where you buried it. Make detailed notes or a map.

Booze and guns. Statistics show that even in the deepest darkest depression, booze and guns are always in demand. Stock up while the price is still low and sell when demand peaks. This may be one of the few places to put your money that could earn dividends. And if not, you still have the booze and guns to comfort you.