How to live on $0 a day

My expert advice to Tim Geithner

2011-07-13T07:20:00.000-07:00

Tim, Tim, Tim. You've been throwing around a lot of scary words like "disaster" and "hardship" and you seem a little tense. Don't freak out. I know things are looking pretty dark right now, but I promise, even if you've got to default, you'll get through it. I had my very own economic disaster not too long ago that threatened not only my economic future, but that of Citibank, Chase, my landlord, the electric company, ATT my hairdresser, doctor and dentist and guess what? We're all still here. You're a babe in the woods when it comes to financial hardship, so let me guide you through this.

Tap dancing as fast as you can
First your creditors will start calling. They'll leave a recorded message asking you to get in touch for personal business.

Don't call back.

Try to drag this out for a week or so until the phone calls become so insistent, you spend most of your time cowering in the corner, shaking like a whippet . You may consider throwing yourself from a ladder when the phone rings in the hopes you'll break your spine and be able to sue your creditors for causing the accident. Don't do it, it rarely works.

At one point, you'll realize this can't go on and you finally answer the 10th phone call of the day at 9AM. You'll probably get a recording either asking you to pay by phone or online immediately. Hang up and continue not answering your phone for another two weeks.

Now the phone calls should be coming about every 5 minutes from 6AM to 10PM both at work and at home. The only way you'll find peace is to talk to them. Getting really drunk is the best way to prepare yourself.

Expect to wait on hold for anywhere from a half hour to a millennium before you reach a human. When you do, tell them you mailed the check last week. Blame it on US postal service cutbacks and casually mention you'll talk to President Obama about firing the head of the USPS (a little name dropping never hurt).

Ask them to wait until Friday and if they still haven't received it, you'll cancel it and send them a new one. That buys you another week and a half.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If after this grace period, there's still no resolution on the debt ceiling thing (or they've reached the wrong one as far as you're concerned), start by trying to work something out with your largest creditors. Remember, the Chinese and Japanese Secretaries of the Treasury are just a regular guys like you, trying to do a job. Don't get mad at them. It's not their fault. They've got bills to pay too. They doesn't want to cause a global economic meltdown any more than you do. Weeping often helps.

A show of good faith can sway some creditors. Show them you're doing everything possible to pay them back. If you don't have the $110 trillion minimum payment on the due date, send what you have, even if it's only $100.00.

Offer them some sort of barter deal... you'll do odd jobs like their laundry or gardening at an agreed upon hourly rate, which can be applied to the debt. Get serious and have the Congress and Senate help. It will give them an opportunity to do something meaningful and truly serve their constituents for a change.

Sure you'll all have to work a little harder, do a job below your education and experience, sometimes at little to no compensation. But you've got to be willing to work a little harder in these trying times. Look at it as an internship program that allows you to learn an entirely new skill. Maybe you'll discover your true calling.

If all else fails...
If you're having problems getting your creditors to cooperate. Maybe it's time to engage a credit adviser/debt counselor.

Sure, a lot of these companies are non-profits that employ advisers who haven't even graduated from a reputable university and have never worked for a Fortune 500 company. Don't worry, their advice can't possibly worse than what you're getting now.

Of course, there are some organizations that only exist to exploit human misery (you may be lulled into feeling like you're working with a bank). That's why reading the fine print is all-important. Don't treat the agreement like your income taxes or TARP...be diligent!

Most of all, remember It's not like it's the end of the world if you're forced to default. Take it from one who knows. As long as you have your health insurance, you have everything.

Dead birds -- portent of doom or manna from heaven?

2011-01-11T12:34:00.000-08:00

All this talk about the unexplained flocks of dead birds and fish occurring has got me thinking. People seem to be putting a decidedly negative spin on the unexplained event.

Some claim it's a sign of the coming apocalypse. Others theorize these creatures are the canaries in the coal mine and their death is a portent of what will happen to us if we don't take care of the environment. Others are sure it's due to the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell and other sins like being a democrat. Some scientists speculate it's got to do with a magnetic shift in the poles. Yet another faction goes so far to speculate it has something to do with the BP oil spill! While all these theories are possible, they seem to imply that someone is being punished for something and we're all going to die.

My view is much more optimistic. My hypothesis is that like in the Exodus when Yaweh showered manna on Moses and his followers to help sustain them through the arduous trek through the desert, we are being showered with free food in these rough economic times.

Check out some of the links below to find recipes for anything that might fall from the sky or float ashore. You'll be shouting "hallelujah" in no time.

Wild bird and game recipes

More game recipes

Fish recipes

Blackbird pie recipe

A few more common-sense tips for the government

2010-12-07T14:51:00.000-08:00

Monetize the White House garden
Michelle Obama had the right idea with the White House veggie garden. What she neglected to include was a real cash crop. I suggest marijuana. It’s one of the top selling American produced products in the country and a 35 billion dollar business. Since it’s still not legal, all income is tax-free.

Turn out the goddamn lights

I know how pretty all your buildings and monuments look when they’re lit up at night, but you’re in no position to be burning hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of electricity a month for purely cosmetic reasons. Turn off the lights when you’re not working for your constituents. That should reduce consumption to virtually nothing.

Legislative cutbacks and eliminating deadwood

Just as many of our successful corporations have slashed their staff in half and doubled the workload to maintain profitability, the Senate and Congress should do the same. Just by cutting back to one Senator per state you’ll be saving 20 million a year in salaries, perks and benefits. Of course, that may mean the remaining Senator will have to put in a full day’s work occasionally, so make sure you keep the healthiest one. You can make extra money by leasing out the ousted Senators’ offices.

Rent out spare rooms in the white house

If the renewal on the Bush tax cuts go through and you can't find a buyer for the White House, consider doing what many struggling Americans do and rent out spare rooms. Who doesn't want to spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom? With the services included, you can demand five star hotel prices, even if the guests have to share a bathroom with the President.

Granted, some of the savings realized here will seem like a drop in the bucket against such a humongous deficit. But remember, a billion here and a billion there can really add up.

***

Economic indicators suggest this is a great time to read my blog about being broke in Europe

Hey government, I'm talking to you!

2010-12-06T12:31:00.000-08:00

Admittedly, I've been a little myopic, focusing exclusively on the personal financial struggles of working class Americans like me.

I figured that with the millions of dollars worth of highly paid economic advisors you employ, you'd be able to handle the national recovery without my guidance. Boy, was I wrong.

While the majority of Americans have sacrificed retirement accounts, homes, electricity and protein in the name of fiscal responsibility, you guys are running up our national credit card like you're Real Housewives.

I won't bother retreading old ideas like eliminating tax cuts for the rich, pulling out of a war or two, or bringing health care costs in alignment with the rest of the world because those are no-brainers which will never pass the Senate and Congress.

My suggestions are simple, non-partisan and have been successfully employed by the majority of Americans regardless of race, religion or political persuasion. Now it's your turn.

Entertainment and events

I know we have an image to keep up as a superpower, but I'm sorry, but you're going to have to cut back on state dinners and other costly social events here and abroad. You just can't afford it.

For example: while that lavish state dinner for Prime Minister Singh last year was a delightful diversion from all the trouble and strife in the world for 300 leading citizens of the US and India, it was a ridiculous indulgence in this day and age. Fortunately, modern technology has really made most of that expensive pomp unnecessary.

Next time, invite the Prime Minister and a select 300 people from the arts, politics and sciences to join you in a delicious dinner of Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala ($3.29 in the frozen food aisle) over Skype. It will save the taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars that could go towards cutting the deficit. Since it's a special occasion, I'm sure the taxpayers won't begrudge you some Trader Joe's mango chutney for $2.39 a jar as long as you use what's left over at the Pentagon Christmas party.

If you feel that a face-to-face gathering is crucial to diplomacy, make the dinner pot-luck and use your iPod for entertainment. The same principle can be applied to all summits, conferences, meetings and speeches. YouTube and Skype are free. Use them.

Impulse purchases

Back when I thought I had money, my weakness was cashmere sweaters, whereas yours appears to be advanced weaponry.

Before you spend yet another 30 billion on the latest state of the art Global Hawk killer drone that's almost exactly like the last one you bought, ask yourself this: Do I really need that drone? Will I be any more effective against my enemies with it? Will anyone but me notice the difference? Will it be passé in two weeks? Once the novelty wears off, will it just sit in a hangar gathering dust or lie abandoned in some Pakistan field?

I know you think it's the end of the world if you don't get that drone. You probably believe that without it, you'll become less attractive to your allies, be forced to postpone your withdrawal date and you'll end up a lonely, insecure, ineffectual, bitter, forgotten old woma...I mean, country. But you probably thought the same thing about the last killer drone you just had to have.

If after two months, the drone is still gnawing at you and you still believe the free republic can't survive without it, chances are you'll be able to find it on eBay for half price.

Generating revenue

You may be out of cash and low on credit (until you raise the limit again), but look around you. You have a lot of items you've accumulated over the years that you can sell.

Do you really need that gas guzzling Air Force One? Can you live without that 500 million dollar fleet of jets you bought last year to transport the legislative branch comfortably to far flung fiscal responsibility conferences and climate summits?

If you don't plan to move into them, sell them. I can think of any number of Wall Street executives who'd pay top dollar for a real Air Force One or congressional jet. Unlike the rest of us, they can afford to pay the gasoline, operation and maintenance costs.

Consider all the memorials, art and historical artifacts just taking up space (and requiring maintenance) in DC and the Smithsonian. See what you can get for them at Sotheby's or hold a sale. I imagine there are several Saudi princes who'd love to have a little monument from the US to put in their garden or the original constitution for their library.

I know some of these items will be difficult to part with and have sentimental value, but look at it this way: if you don't sell it, China will own it soon anyways.

If you're a hoarder and can't bring yourself to sell your memorabilia, there is another option: sell ad space on the monuments. The demographics are great with 15 million visitor viewings annually, plus repeated exposure by DC denizens and in the media. It's a great way to get the funds you need to maintain your property until the economy improves.

Credit and debt

If you have any leverage left whatsoever, now's the time to use it.

Call China and try to work something out. Like my negotiations with Citibank, it may take weeks to get someone who speaks English on the phone (keep your cell phone charger handy). But if you hang in there with good old-fashioned American determination, there's a 20% chance that sooner or later you'll get someone who can help. If you and China fail to work out a more equitable arrangement, try consolidating your debt with Japan or the Saudis for a lower rate.

At the very least, you're going to have to rethink those loans you've been making to banks and big business. As is, you're paying China more interest on the money you're borrowing to loan to the banks than they're paying you in interest. Now, I don't have the economic chops of Tim Geithner, or even a college degree, but that just seems like really stupid financial policy. Unless you work for the banks, of course.

I suggest you raise the interest rate to a reasonable 29.9% plus substantial fees and penalties for not stimulating the economy. At that rate, taxpayers will be celebrating and getting huge bonuses in no time.

See more of my common-sense financial tips for the government.

***

Economic indicators suggest this is a good time to read my blog about being broke in Europe.

Can you afford a job in this economy?

2010-08-31T11:49:00.000-07:00

As the "Summer of Recovery" draws to a close and labor day soon approaches, it's time to discuss what to do when after months and months of chronic unemployment (often referred to as "laziness"), someone actually responds to one of the 2,000 applications you've submitted over the past few months.

You may jump at the opportunity, thinking that a job will help you dig out of the hole you're in and restore a sense of accomplishment and self-worth. Maybe you'll even be able to buy yourself something nice, like a steak dinner and some ant traps.

Not so fast, Kimosabbe. Remember, economic realities have changed since you were last employed. In order to preserve the incomes of CEOs, shareholders and top executives, salaries have been slashed, workloads have increased and the cost of goods and services has skyrocketed. We know that taking a job will stimulate the economy. What you need to determine before embarking on the interview process is whether or not the job in question will stimulate yours.

The phone interview
Since the phone interview is usually conducted by an intern or low level recruiter who has no idea what the job entails, this is no time to worry about proving you're qualified. This is your opportunity to determine whether continuing the interview process is worth your while, financially speaking.

Ask the important questions. Does the job pay? Where are they located? Do they have free parking? If they don't have free parking, do they validate? Do they offer health benefits? What products worth stealing do they stock in the company kitchen Is it locked (you may be able to recoup the cost of the interview in food and office supplies). Do they give free tampons in the restrooms? And of course, what's the salary and what perks are included?

If the job listing is for a "senior" position, make sure to clarify whether they mean they're looking for someone with extensive experience or some who is a senior in college. I can tell you from experience that one clarification can save you hours in drive time and a small fortune in gasoline, tolls and parking tickets.

Always ask how many interviews it's likely to take to get the job. Many large successful companies require 15 interviews and samples of bodily fluids before hiring someone. If you don't live within walking distance, the process can cost you an entire month's worth of unemployment checks. If they can't provide any guarantees that you'll be hired, you may be better off staying home and watching "General Hospital." It won't cost you anything and at least you get medical experience for your resume.

The cost of an office interview
You'll have to present yourself in the best possible light which means you'll have to do something with your hair, enhance your wardrobe, or at the very least launder your tee shirt and sweatpants. Flip flops won't cut it, not even your dressy ones from Old Navy. You might also need to purchase a few personal hygiene products and have the water turned back on so you can bathe.

The good news is, you won't have to repair your teeth as chiclets make excellent temporary crowns (just don't accept beverages during your interview, which can be tempting because they're usually free).

Then of course, there's transportation which can cost you anywhere from $1.00 to $60.23 (gas, toll and parking, not including tickets for traffic violations). If you're up for a production job, the cost goes up significantly unless the airlines are running fare sales to China and Southeast Asia.

Estimating the salary to expense ratio
You may think that any salary is better than no salary, but that's not always the case. Remember, once you're employed, your expenses go up. The question you have to ask yourself is whether given the expenses incurred by working will be greater or less than the income you'll be taking home. In other words, will the job help dig you out of the hole, or put you farther in it?

Case in point: after doing the math, a friend discovered that the only way he could afford to take a recent job offer was if he kept his unemployment benefits. Sadly, he made the discovery after investing approximately $52.00 and four hours on his first (and last) interview.

Here's a list of some of the expenses you're likely to incur as an employed person:

Transportation/gas/tolls parking: Multiply the cost of transportation to the job interview by 300.

Wardrobe: You'll need new clothes. Not just any clothes. Clothes that are nicer than everyone elses' (but made in America). Otherwise, how will you get ahead?
Don't forget you'll also need new underwear and some nice kneepads.

Electricity, gas and water: Now that you're working, being able to bathe and use your electronic devices is critical (although not at the same time).

Communications: It will be important that your boss can reach you at any time of day or night from every one of his/her offshore vacation villas. You're going to have to restore your service, buy a new iphone G4 (yours is a first generation, which is soooooo 2008). Buy a plan with a large data storage. Don't forget to add the price of a two year contract.

Once you're back on the grid, the calls from old debtors will soon return. You may need to hire a lawyer.

Childcare/dogwalking/gardening/housecleaning: Now that you're working you're going to have to pay someone to take care of these tasks. You won't have time. You may even have to pay tuition for private school since the public school down the street is closing due to lack of funds.

Beauty and Grooming:
Unless you're under 35, this can get costly. In order to succeed in the current business climate, you'll have to look young. It will be all the more difficult since you're working 18 hours a day and not sleeping well. Also remember than now that you're short on time, you'll need to pay professionals to do things like dye your hair, give you facials inject botox , perform plastic surgery and fill meeting rooms with smoke and bad lighting. This can take thousands of dollars off your gross monthly income. Even if you're under 35, you still may need botox to mask the look of disgust and contempt you feel in company meetings (consider it a business deduction since it's crucial to keeping your job).

If you've been using chiclets for teeth in the interview process, you'll have to do something more permanent. Check your dentist for potential costs. Make sure you're sitting down.

Fast food: Now that you're working, you need to keep your energy up, but who has time to cook? Fast food can add up. And while most of those meals are pretty crappy, the good news is since you'll probably be eating while in front of a computer trying to meet some ridiculous deadline, you'll probably be too stressed and distracted to taste them. Your consumption of 3.00 vente half skim lattes and energy drinks will also increase substantially, especially if you don't have a prescription for Adderall.

Healthcare: Even if it's included in the benefits, it's going to cost you. Whereas when you weren't working, you were relatively healthy, you'll find yourself a lot more sickly when employed. Stress, exhaustion, poor eating habits will force you to spend your entire deductible on tests trying to figure out what's wrong with you (stress, exhaustion, poor eating habits). Expect your anti-depressant dosage to go up.

Taxes Unless you're making 300,000+, at least 30% of your income will go to taxes and insurance. That means whatever the given salary is, 30% of it will be stimulating the economy. At least you'll be getting a lot of bang for your buck. You'll be paying for wars, the salaries of your elected representatives and mindless bureaucrats, the company formerly known as Blackwater, Afghan and Iraqi warlords, Halliburton, interest on our debt to China, bridges to nowhere and the next election cycle.

For jobs that pay over300,000 a year, only subtract .1% (the price of a good accountant). Try to get one of those jobs.

Once you're back in the system, the government will also demand back taxes from the $12,000 you earned over the past three years. Prepare to shell out for an accountant and lawyer. You'd be wise to factor in the possibility of future salary garnishments as well.

Bank fees Now that your bank account is active again, they'll be charging you all sorts of fees. Since you no longer have time to go over your statements with a fine tooth comb and spend time getting bounced around from phone bank to phone bank to rectify the errors, you can expect to lose a substantial amount here.

Incidentals There are always surprise extra expenses that come with every endeavor. For example, a friend who has been working for the past two months has already incurred repair costs for accidentally driving her car through the garage door at 4AM on her way to work. Another had to invest in a new iPhone after stabbing his to death when an important business call was dropped for the 18th time. Be prepared with a cushion for these unexpected events

If after crunching the numbers, you decide that economic circumstances make it impossible to pursue the job at this juncture, don't feel bad. Sure, some people will call you lazy, or irresponsible or selfish for not doing your part to help the economy recover because it's not in your best financial interest. Others will call you a savvy businessperson.

***

Economic indicators suggest that this might be a good time to read my blog about being broke in France.

Unemployed? Unskilled? Unqualified? Your New Career Awaits!

2010-05-27T19:46:00.000-07:00

You've tried to ignore all the dire job reports, but it's not working. Small businesses keep closing. Large businesses keep outsourcing and replacing people with technology. How will those lost jobs ever come back?

You're starting to think you may have no other choice but to go back to school, work hard and learn some new skills that will be viable in the new economy. That sort of attitude will get you nowhere except the poorhouse. Education and skills are best left to blue collar workers and immigrants.

Fortunately, there's a boom happening here right under your nose (if that's where your TV remote is). If you get on board now, you could be set for life, or at the very least, 15 minutes. Yes, I'm talking about reality TV.

Reality TV is among the few things left besides financial derivatives and high fructose corn syrup that's still being produced and consumed voraciously in the US. To the modern American, reality TV is what the WPA was to the struggling masses in the 30s (without the socialist government intervention).

There are 800 reality shows out there and more going into production every day. One of them is right for you.

Getting that first gig

Study the casting calls to determine which jobs will meet your immediate needs (ie: cash, free craft services, lodging, a vacation, attention, a nanny, a mini facelift...) I made the mistake of getting addicted to inhalants in order to get a spot on Intervention only to discover they don't pay their addicts (for ethical reasons). Boy, was I bummed! On the bright side, the rehab facility they sent me to is fabulous!!! But I digress.

Once you've narrowed it down ask yourself what you really want to be doing for the next 13 weeks. Do you want to work for Diddy? Lose 500 lbs? Find your soul mate? Get a shot at love? Be Paris Hilton's BFF? Become a REAL Housewife (as opposed to the pretend one you've been all these years) and get some new clothes, a facelift, boobs and a tummy tuck? Breed prolifically? The job of your dreams is out there.

You'll need to make a short video about yourself (and your family if they're a part of the deal). Include a headshot (if you don't have one, your most recent mug shot will do). They may ask you to tweet them your resume.

If you're a woman and don't have massive boobs, don't worry, you can still get cast on a reality show. Heidi Montag started out with nothing, but used The Hills as a platform to acquire all the massive boobs she wanted. As a rule, the only mandatory requirement to get on a reality show is stripper pole experience.

Don't bother applying to MTV if you're over 18 (your IQ, I mean).

Onward and upward

When you first start a reality show, the hours and competition can be grueling. You may be asked to perform distasteful tasks like eating bugs or sleeping in a bunk bed. Hang in there! Unlike other jobs, it will invariably lead to bigger and better things.

Consider your role an entry level position to some of the best opportunities in America -- from singer/songwriter, to author, to businessperson, to designer, to product endorser to pundit to correspondent to talk show host to basketball player's wife. Heck, Wall Street is even recruiting top execs from Vegas Virgins and Face the Ace (gambling reality shows).

Establish your area of expertise, even if you don't have one. Call yourself "countess" or "doctor," "a businessperson" or "a good mother." If you say something enough times on TV, it will be true.

At the very least, you'll get a book deal. And if a whole book seems like too many words, follow the example of Kim Kardashian who was reportedly paid $10,000 for a single tweet. That's $72 a character, or $357 per five letter word. Without a reality show, she'd be lucky to get $75 for 500 words on "how to shoot a home movie" for Demand Media like everyone else.

Study the trajectory of Kate Gosselin. She has managed her career admirably, starting as a wife and prolific breeder, to Jon and Kate Plus 8, to author (and expert on raising children, to betrayed wife, to Dancing with the Stars, to a correspondent job on the E network. Now she can afford a nanny so she'll never have to spend time with her rugrats again. The woman is a genius!

Become a part of America's cultural lexicon
Entertainment has always provided escape to stressed Americans in times of financial duress. During the last depression, Hollywood transported us with masterpieces and larger than life talent. The entertainment industry is doing it again now, without talent of any size. And just think, one of the principles could be you!

Take a look at how some of those timeless performances are being reinterpreted today:

Unforgettable singing performances

Amazing dance routines

Epic love stories

New friends journey together in search of their hearts' desire.

A patriarchal figure struggles to provide a decent life for his girls.

Now, get to work!

***

Read about real housewives in France.

The banker who shagged us

2010-04-24T19:23:00.000-07:00

If this isn't separated at birth, I don't know what is.

Dr. Evil: Okay then, we hold the world ransom for...
One... Hundred... BILLION DOLLARS!

"Fight on, Goldman Sachs!", Frank Rich, NYT 4/25/10

Tax day freebies or murder?

2010-04-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

Several fast food companies are offering free food on Tax day. I'm sure some smart marketer told them that it would instill goodwill among their target audience.

For me, it's instilled nausea. I hope Kaiser Permanante is running a tax day promotion.

Champale on a tapwater budget

2010-04-06T18:41:00.000-07:00

I don't care how little disposable income you have, sometimes you've got to pamper yourself. Whether it's a little "me time", buying yourself a luxury item, taking a mini-vacation or getting a lap dance in an S&M club, studies show that these occasional indulgences are rejuvenating and can even help with self-esteem.

You don't have to be a Wall Street executive, major sports figure, or a GOP strategist to partake in these blissful moments of pure, luxurious self-indulgence. You'll just have to adjust your definition of luxury a wee bit.

SPA TREATMENTS

Massage therapy

I learned this trick while taking care of a 21 pound cat named Ralph who gave me the best massage I ever had. If you don't have a cat, borrow one, the bigger the better. Wear something you don't want ruined (a vintage Armani jacket, or cashmere sweater for example), or just drape it over the affected muscle. It's only a matter of time before the cat will start kneading it. If you don't have any good clothing left, a piece of carpet or sofa fabric will also work. If the cat hasn't been declawed, you also get free acupuncture!

Here's another idea taken from the animal world: I've seen cats, dogs, horses and cows do it. Find a solid, well-anchored object that protrudes (ie: a fence post, doorknob, parking meter, mailbox or erect penis) . Lean the muscle or nerve that needs attention onto the object and adjust the pressure as you see fit.

Hot tubbing

There's nothing like a soak in churning hot water to melt away the stress of watching CNN all day. If you're really resourceful, you can create your own jacuzzi out of a dumpster and some garden hoses.

For those who lack engineering skills , I've found that a tub, hot water and a hand beater (or a wisk in a pinch) does the trick. It's also a great work out for the upper arms and pecs. One word of warning: although you may be tempted, do not attempt this with an electric mixer.

MINI VACATIONS

My vacation photos (4/6/10): Me next to a Bernini statue in Rome; me on the beach in Bali; me at Macchu Pichu

To me, there's nothing more restorative than a trip to a new, foreign destination.

Now that I can't even afford the fare to little Italy, Chinatown or Berkeley, I take Google vacations.

Just type in the destination of your choice and within seconds, you're there. Zoom in and it's just like being there without the jet lag, shots, expense, cultural immersion and worries about getting stuck next to Kevin Smith on the flight home.

Yesterday I visited, Macchu Pichu (without the altitude sickness), Bali, and Rome (how I love clicking down those ancient cobbled streets!). I topped it off with a visit to my favorite coffee shop in Amsterdam and still made it home in time for "American Idol."

GETTING YOURSELF A LITTLE SOMETHING

I don't have to tell you that buying yourself some small luxury item can be a salve to the battered soul of the working warrior. For some people it's shoes, for others it's electronic gadgets, for me it was lipstick. But non-working warriors need balm too.

I was fortunate in that I was able to see my crisis coming and scale back slowly, sparing me the pain of going cold turkey and the shock and indignity of downsizing too fast.

My financial meltdown in lipstick

From left to right: cle de peau $60; Guerlain Rouge G $45; Chanel $30; NARS $22; mac $14; Revlon $8; Wetnwild $1; cherry Chapstick $.69; a flattering shade of lollipop $.20; wild berries free

By studying the timeline above, you'll see how you can make the transition from Chanel Raspberry Crush to crushed wild raspberries painlessly. Find the shade of berry that's right for you.

The same principle can be applied to any type of product. Gadget freaks might start with an iPad and work their way down to another groundbreaking invention (in its time), the paperclip. Similarly, a shoe lover can go from Prada Gladiator Sandals, to Michael Kors to Steve Madden to Aerosoles to Keds to Old Navy flip flops to the drawstring from a Hefty Cinch Sak wrapped around the ankles and legs.

ALTERING YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS

For some people, all it takes is a nice cocktail, joint or little pill to take the edge off and feel like all is right with the world. But even these mental vacations have gotten pricey.

If you're lucky enough to have terrible vision like I do, I've found that removing my glasses or contacts has the same effect as two cocktails or one joint without the calories or munchies. This is also a great time to look in the mirror.

If you have perfect vision, borrow or steal glasses from someone with terrible vision. Do not attempt to drive or read the instructions on heavy machinery while under the influence.

Some people have reported that hyperventilating and getting up too quickly also works.

***

Economic indicators suggest that this might be a good time to read my blog about being broke in France.

The Jobs report

2010-04-05T08:57:00.000-07:00

Sure, the recent employment figures don't look good. But the evidence in front of apple stores this weekend tells a different story. Unless there's a Cash for Kindles program that I'm unaware of, the economy is finally getting back on it's feet.

How else can one explain the fact that the lines for the iPad debut were longer than those at the unemployment office? You'd think they were passing out government cheese (with an apple logo on it, of course).

700,000 iPads sold in two days. Which means last weekend the American consumer spent almost $500,000,000* for a product they don't need.

We're back!!!!

* calculated on a 2008 Macbook Pro calculator application, so that figure may be obsolete)

Affordable real estate ideas for when you're ready to buy

2010-03-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

I understand the desire to own your own home. It's the American dream. The problem is, if you have to borrow to buy it, you don't really own it, the banks own you. We've seen how that works out.

Yet some people haven't even been kicked out of their foreclosed homes and they're are already talking about improving their credit score so they can borrow to buy a new house. Which begs the question, are you insane?

If there's one thing to be learned from my own financial crisis, it's pay as you go. If you don't have the full price in hand, don't freaking buy it. If you do, you're just pouring money in the terroris...I mean, banks' pockets.

Now you're probably thinking I'm insane. Even with the declining price of homes, how the heck will you come up with the full price of a home or plot of land? It's possible, you just have to think within your means. That 4500 square foot home with a movie theater in the west wing was a little excessive anyways.

For example, you can get a nice 4x9 funeral plot for less than a thousand dollars (depending on the property and location). That's room enough for a bunk bed and you can always build on (or in) it later. Guaranteed you'll have quiet neighbors.

You might want to check and see if you've already got a plot in your family. A friend of mine discovered a family mausoleum his grandfather built and has set up residence there. All my grandparents left were urns which serve no earthly purpose except to take up space in my shopping cart.

You can also get a basic starter doghouse for only $59.00, or something as lavish as a sprawling two floor Spanish hacienda for $30,000 (rumor has it Lloyd Blankfein's dog has one of these).

Tool and storage sheds can be quite economical if you get a kit (from $150 to $500). If your tastes demand something more luxurious, consider having yours custom ordered for $1,500 and up.

If you love the outdoors and live in a warm environment, a gazebo may be right for you. You can get one with UV Guard-protected polyester taffeta side panels to keep out harmful ultraviolet rays for $274 on amazon.com. Target also has several choices, from sleek to rustic. Don't buy the first one you see. Attend a few open houses to get a feel for the market.

Happy hunting!

Assessing your real estate options

2010-03-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

If you're anything like me, right now you're trying desperately to ignore the vague fear that you can no longer afford to continue your current housing situation. You probably keep hoping you'll get a new job, inherit a fortune, the government will intervene or that Armaggedon will strike before your next bill is due and you won't have to deal with it.

Here are a few clues that it may be time to confront the situation head on: You consider housing and utilities an either/or situation. Your home payments are eating into your insurance premiums. Your home has been padlocked and there's an armed guard at the door.

Now that you realize the gravity of the situation, you may be asking yourself "how will I find a new place to live when I have no income, cash or credit rating? Seriously, where the f*$k will I go?" Don't panic. Let's calmly and rationally go over your options.

Move in with family

If you have a parent, child, cousin, or a third niece removed who has a home or dorm room, moving in with them makes good economic sense.

For some families, it's an ideal way to bond and reconnect. I left my parents' home and moved 3,000 miles away when I was an angry teenager. Moving in with them so many years later allowed us to reconnect and let them get to know me as an angry adult. It's also given me an opportunity to understand why I'm angry.

Of course, living in such close proximity to family can reawaken old dysfunctions and unresolved issues. It may not be right for you if:

This is all their fault!

You have sibling rivalry with the family dog.

The first time you heard the story of Oedipus, you thought 'woah, did Sophocles know my family?'

At the last family Thanksgiving dinner you broke out in stigmata.

The sound of their breathing really bugs you.

You're off your medication.

They're off their medication.

You have to give the Menendez brothers credit for standing up to their parents.

It's a squatters' market!

There are already 19 million vacant properties in America. The number is rising, as "for sale", "for rent" and foreclosure signs dot the landscape with more frequency than Starbucks. It's the perfect storm for squatters!

If you're a soon to be ex-homeowner, you can always squat in your own house after the bank kicks you out. But now is a great time to trade up.

Have you been longing to live in a nicer neighborhood? Dreamed of owning a pool and tennis court? Maybe you just want a more modern kitchen or a playroom for the kids. Your dream house is out there, you just have to keep your eyes open and be ready to stake your claim before someone else beats you to it..

There are also schools, hospitals, factories, stores and restaurants that are move-in ready. It's almost like a government incentive program for people who want to start their own business!

Here are some great resources for potential squatters:
A website devoted to squatting.
Top abandoned towns
Brokers' guide to vacant property.

Become a troglodyte

Maybe neanderthals had the right idea. Most caves are larger and better equipped than my NYC apartment was, without the nasty landlord, loud neighbors and rent.

There are caves available to suit almost every lifestyle. If you can't let go of your grandmother's armoire, your 48" flatscreen or treadmill, find a spacious cave with lots of storage space. If you're trying to cut back on stuff, grab a quaint, cozy cave with built in fireplace.

They're usually sound-proof and very private, making them the choice of several rich ex-Saudis who can afford to live in palaces. Some come with fabulous built-ins, like shelves and tables (how cute would those Liberty of London mugs they're selling at Target for only $5 look on them?). Some have indoor pools. Art lovers can even find caves with their own built in art collections.

The only real downside to living in a cave is since they're often in remote locations, internet access and phone reception can be limited. Of course, this can be a plus if you've got creditors, the IRS or FBI after you.

Guide to caves in the US and cave locator by zip code.

Container dwelling

There was a time when it was considered pathetic to live in a refrigerator box or container. Now it's environmentally correct and a chic choice for anyone who lives in a city. I'm a fan of refrigerator boxes (especially sub-zero), but I'm single and somewhat nomadic.

For those who prefer a more stable home, shipping containers, dumpsters old railway cargo cars make a fine abode. I believe they may be the next housing bubble, so act now!

Remember, as demand rises, it'll become harder and harder to trade up. This is no time to settle. And when you find your dream container, grab it without hesitation. There are several people already interested in it and who knows when you'll find another one you like half as much.

If you have 100 bucks or so a month to spare, you might want to consider renting storage space in a public facility. 10x10 is enough space for a bed and mini-fridge. Not recommended for anyone who suffers from claustrophobia, it's a great option if you're broke, but really need to live in a gated community

***

Economic indicators suggest that this might be a good time to read my blog about being broke in France.

Get in touch with your inner savvy businessman

2010-03-07T11:00:00.000-08:00

You've worked hard all your life to achieve the American dream. But it's starting to seem as though the only people living the dream are those who President Obama refers to as "savvy businessmen."

Some argue that an Ivy League education is critical to achieving business savvy. Others insist it's pedigree (one of your ancestors must be the spawn of Satan). My personal theory is that we're all born with business savvy but it's usually socialized out of us.

No matter. It's clear that we all need to start incorporating the principles of savvy businessmen into our own lives if we're going to get ahead. Here are a few tips to get you started.

Redefining your work ethic

Many people make the mistake of assuming hard work and providing quality goods or services is all it takes to succeed. Wrong. It's how much you can rake in for you and your shareholders while providing as little value as possible to the consumer. We've seen how this principle works for banks and large corporations, but how does this apply to average Americans?

Say you happen to get lucky and score a housecleaning job. Don't make the mistake of spending an inordinate amount of time cleaning. When you're not blogging, tweeting and issuing Facebook updates about how hard you're working cleaning the house, most of your time should be spent lowering the wattage on all the light bulbs, smearing Vaseline on the homeowners' glasses and shoving things under rugs to give the appearance of cleanliness.

As your skills improve, you can start removing expensive articles and cash from the home to sell them. If you're really savvy, you'll even charge a removal fee.

Apply this kind of thinking to your every endeavor.

Eliminate deadwood
If there's someone in your life sapping you of resources that could be better put towards redecorating your den or a nice vacation, dump them immediately. Don't let sentiment, loyalty, humanity, commitment, personal responsibility get in the way.

Note to men: unless your wife has a paying job or a trust fund, you'll want to get rid of her too. As you become more savvy, you'll probably want a brand new trophy wife. Consider bringing in someone from Asia or Russia--they'll do the same job for much cheaper and are much more appreciative of your meager benefits.

Become too big to fail

We've all seen the benefits of being too big to fail. But if you're not a major corporation who holds the economy in your hands, where can you go when you need a large quantity of cash to avoid devastation of apocalyptic proportions?

Fortunately, with a little planning and cultivation, similar types of bailouts are available to everyone. Just make sure to keep all receipts, correspondence, texts, videotapes, blood tests and semen stains. When you go to your benefactor on bended knee, make sure it's clear that if you go down, they're going down with you.

The importance of branding
We've seen how savvy businessmen have renamed old financial products and turned them into lucrative earning tools. Banks cleverly rebranded "usury" by renaming it "29% plus fees and penalties" and opened the door for billions in earnings. "Unloading worthless crap on the taxpayers" became "Public-Private Investment Program". And lets not forget Goldman Sachs' brilliant rebranding of "massive Ponzi scheme" to "doing God's work."

Similarly, insurance companies made a bundle rebranding "protection money" with the new name, "premiums." Some advertising agencies have followed their lead by rebranding "slave labor" as "crowdsourcing."

Think about how you can rebrand financial instruments in your own life. "Shoplifting" can become "long term non-collateralized loan". "Running a sweat shop" is "teaching children life skills" and "fraud" becomes "storytelling." Suddenly, the world is your oyster.

Finding job opportunities in a trickle down economy

2010-01-25T14:31:00.000-08:00

Are you one of the many Americans despairing that the trillions in taxpayer dollars spent stabilizing the economy still hasn't translated into job creation? Be patient, grasshopper, jobs will come.

Granted, a lot of the jobs as we knew them won't be coming back. But once you take a realistic look at the current economic, demographic and political trends you'll see there's a promising new crop of opportunities emerging that will put Main Street America back to work again.

Personal service, maintenance and security

Clearly the TARP money went towards executive bonuses rather than loans and job creation. But that doesn't mean those bonuses won't prove equally productive on the employment front.

As long as rich people keep acquiring homes and material possessions that need maintenance, care and protection, there will be jobs available for gardeners, maids, chefs, nannies, chauffeurs, valets, European car mechanics, concubines, silver polishers, organ harvesters, groomsmen, personal shoppers, bodyguards, security guards, food tasters, dog walkers, gatekeepers, astrologists, psychics, grape peelers, servers and attendants, to name a few.

Obviously, these are coveted positions for college graduates with Liberal Arts degrees. They'll face tough competition from illegal aliens who are favored by the wealthy because they work below minimum wage.

Security positions should grow exponentially as those with money will become increasingly fearful of losing their lives and possessions to angry hordes.

Luxury travel and hospitality

It may seem counter-intuitive that luxury travel and hospitality sectors would grow during a recession. But when you consider that the monied class will be traveling to exotic offshore locations more than ever to spend quality time with their money, it starts to make sense.

Add to that the increase in congressional delegations, summits, symposiums, corporate retreats, boondoggles and junkets and you'll begin to grasp the opportunities in this growing sector.

Think of the limos, Lear jets, five-star accommodations and gourmet dining necessary for the multitude of climate conferences, job summits and poverty symposiums our political and business leaders will convene to form committees to plan future conferences and symposiums where they will discuss solutions to these pressing geopolitical problems.

Conversely, practically all jobs serving economy travelers will eventually disappear. Even pilots will be eliminated on economy class flights in favor of a cheaper version of the technology used in unmanned drones. Delta plans to charge a $1,000 surcharge to economy passengers who opt for a human pilot. Steer clear of this sector.

Politics

With all the money being poured into political campaigns and lobbying these days, anyone with an ounce of charisma would be a fool not to get in on the action. The recent Supreme Court ruling on campaign finance provides further incentive to enter this lucrative field now.

If you're attractive, consider running for office. There will be hundreds of openings for non-incumbents in the upcoming 2012 elections. Heaven knows your country needs you.

No skills or experience is necessary. The only requirement is you should be willing to stand for prolonged periods in public places, shake people's hands, kiss babies and beg, plead and cajole for change (it's not all that different than begging pleading and cajoling for spare change, but the income potential is much higher).

These days, voters demand full transparency, so you should also look good in a swim or birthday suit. Ability to drive a truck is a plus, but not mandatory.

Once the corporate donations start pouring in and you can afford a decent haircut and designer wardrobe, you're golden. If you lose, whatever funds you have remaining from the campaign can be rolled into your next campaign (which can be anything from becoming a talk show host to eating regularly). That's what I call win/win.

If you're not good-looking, you can always become a political strategist.

Shovel ready jobs

Before the stimulus money can reach people who are ready to repair and build necessary infrastructure, some of the money will have to go to research firms and experts and holding high level meetings to determine where the money should go (see Government jobs).

Some will go to pay the salary of bureaucrats hired to facilitate and oversee the stimulus program (see Government jobs).

A large portion will go to agencies and experts to promote how well the stimulus is working These are great jobs if you can snag one. It helps to know someone and have a large twitter and facebook following. Be prepared to do some heavy shoveling (figuratively speaking).

Then some of the money will have to go to China for raw materials.

If there's anything left after that, laborers will finally be hired to begin the actual building of infrastructure. If you're actually interested in a job that requires physical labor, you might want to find something else to tide you over until then.

The business of war

As one of our only remaining exports, and our most highly funded industry (even more than banks, believe it or not), war is just a smart career choice.

The military is recruiting. They pay you while you learn the job. They're an equal opportunity employer. They'll take you regardless of race, religion, education or prison record (just don't tell them you're gay).

Granted, entry level salaries aren't great, but if you survive, opportunities for advancement and high paying jobs as independent contractors and arms dealers are possible. Blackwater executives say there's no better training for their 100K a year special op jobs (with the possible exception of the Al Qaeda training camp in Yemen or 10 years with the Cosa Nostra).

Government jobs

Even while there are cutbacks in virtually every other sector, the government is growing as they create new departments and hire more people to oversee, compensate and investigate the failures of existing ones.

The government pays top dollar with benefits. They paid 18 million to build the Recovery.org website (the going rate for a similar website in the private sector is usually under $100,000 -- I would have done it for a piece of chicken.) Who wouldn't want to get in on that gravy train?

Unlike other businesses (aside from banks and insurance companies) if the government runs short on funds, they can just print up some money to pay you. You can also pick up extra money hiring yourself as an independent contractor, or in kickbacks. If you're inept enough, opportunities for advancement abound.

The only catch is, the application process can be time-consuming and frustrating (the TSA lost my application six times and the decision has been delayed indefinitely). But that negative becomes a positive once you've landed the job. Imagine the luxury of having unlimited funds, unlimited time and incredibly low standards. Here's a tip: the Department of Homeland Security is looking for people with experience connecting dots.

When in Rome...

Any student of history can take one look at the current economy, factor in consumption trends and deduce that the time is right to bring back the vomitorium.

What Lobbyist, Senate committee member or Wall Street executive wouldn't love to cap off a rough day fleecing the masses, over-consumption, and revelry with some stylish purging?

The beauty of this business is it requires little capital outlay (no bank loans necessary). You can just squat in a recently shuttered retail establishments, add a large trough or two and you're good to go.

Once you start making a profit you can add amenities like rare Cuban cigars rolled by trained albino monkeys, and Swarovski studded buckets and troughs. Best locations are Washington DC, Wall Street, Miami and parts of Southern California. This could be the next Starbucks among the one-percenters. Get in on the ground floor if you can.

...

Economic indicators suggest that this might be a good time to read my blog about being broke in France.

Top holiday gift ideas for 2009

2009-12-22T22:15:00.000-08:00

Unless you've already received that big bonus for your role steering the stock market out of freefall this past year, you're probably a little desperate about the holidays right about now.

Nobody wants you to go into deeper debt or give up eating to buy presents (except your credit card company, retailers, stockholders, leading economic advisers and your teenage daughter, if you have one). But nobody is offering any real, socially acceptable options (except Hallmark who is offering almost personalized holiday cards for $3.00 each).

I've compiled a list of affordable gifts that are as thoughtful and meaningful as the presents you might have given if you had money. All within a realistic budget of 7 cents a person or less. If you play your cards right, you could have enough money left over for a three course ramen holiday feast (chicken, beef, and vegetable flavored)!

This season's "must-have" item

Perfect for multitasking, the potato serves as a vegetable, a complex carb, a useful arts and crafts tool, entertainment, breakfast, lunch, dinner, a source of potassium and other vital vitamins and minerals. Chic-ly packaged in a discreet brown wrapper, the potato is one of the few gifts left you can buy with spare change or food stamps that will give your recipient any pleasure. Designer models in red, blue, and gold are also available.
Find out more about the potato's many applications, including recipes and tips.

Something cute and cuddly for the kids

In an age when a child's wish list contains several $200 items, I suppose a $9.95 toxic fake rodent constitutes a bargain. But it's still too rich for my blood. Especially now that they're going for $30.00 on eBay and Amazon.

That's why I'm giving all the kids in my life the latest evolution of Zhu Zhu hamsters -- Dust bunnies. They're furry. They're cuddly. They're wind powered, biodegradable, non-toxic (or only as toxic as the place under the couch you got it) and they're made locally.

Each one is different and has its own personality. I like to decorate mine with bits of used dental floss. When the child tires of it in a few days, it can easily be stored in any sized vacuum bag or under furniture.

If you have unresolved issues with the child's parents, a pet rat is a gratifying alternative. Like the dust bunny, you can probably pick one up without leaving home, although chances are you will have to get off the couch.

When only the best will do

Who doesn't love free luxury hotel toiletries? For me, nothing brings back the warm memories of having a job, an expense account and clean, nicely scented hair and skin like a whiff of L'Occitane Lemon Verbena (offered at the Four Seasons).

You may still have some of your favorites stashed away from the good old days (if you haven't sold them on eBay). If not, there are other ways to nab these luxe items for gifts. First, locate the brand of choice with my handy leading hotel toiletry guide.

Some say that lurking in hotel hallways and grabbing as many as possible when the maid isn't looking is the most time efficient method.

I believe that honesty is the best policy (at least during the holiday season). I usually tell the front desk that I'm in room 206 and I accidentally spilled all their complimentary toiletries down the sink and would like a new set (or four ... I'm very clumsy). Telling them that you need the toiletries for an article you're researching has also been known to work.

High Tea Technology

Many retailers have been plugging a $100 portable espresso maker as the perfect gift for those who panic if they're more than 10 yards from the nearest Starbucks. Oddly, they don't seem as intent on selling a similar device for tea drinkers.

The portable tea maker contains everything necessary for a great cup of tea on the go (water and cup not included). This handy, lightweight gadget has adjustable brewing time for different tea strengths. With a little smart shopping you can get 100 of these babies for $2.00. Shopping done!

For every cloud, a Snuggie lining

Let your friends be the first to own the Snuggie weatherizer! It's the perfect gift gift for anyone who shelled out $19.95 (plus shipping and handling) for a Snuggie. They may not appreciate it now, but they'll be eternally grateful when they're wearing their Snuggies in inclement conditions.

All you need to make one is a large trash bag, dry cleaning bag, tarp, a sheet of bubble wrap, old plastic tablecloth or any waterproofed material you can find around the house or dumpster. Cut holes in the appropriate spots, add a few staples and voila! A shower cap makes a great accessory (try to grab a few when picking up hotel toiletries.)

Warm feet, warm heart

If you happen to have some spare sanitary napkins or poise pads around, or know where you can borrow some, you've got the makings for some cushy slippers with non-slip grip strips and a built in deodorant feature for fresh feet.

I like to use the maxi-pads for heavy flow for the soles (or Poise or Depends if you can get your hands on them -- they're like walking on air) and a thinner mini pad for the strap.

If you can't find anything to decorate them with, I can personally recommend using Channel waterproof long-lasting smoky eye crayons. The colbalt blue and indigo go with everything. A great gift for doting grandparents who love everything you make.

Learn how to make them.

An eco-friendly gesture

The care and love that goes into making a fruitcake is always appreciated even though fruitcake itself is largely considered inedible.

This year, instead of getting costly ingredients from a grocery store and spending hours chopping, mixing and baking, let the composter take care of everything. Press the mulch into a loaf shape, decorate it with fruits nuts and berries from the yard, park or road dividers and nobody will know the difference. No new waste is created and the product is endlessly recyclable. The recipient will appreciate the love and care you put into your gift long after they've returned it to its natural habitat -- the compost heap.

If all else fails, use your credit card

Instead of using a credit card to buy presents this season, use it to create them.

Make cufflinks, earrings, bracelets, pendants in gold, platinum and other precious plastics. The beauty of giving these (aside from the joy of giving) is it won't cost you a cent out-of- pocket and rewards include thousands of dollars in savings on future interest and penalty fees. Now that's a gift that gives back! Learn how to make them.

Have you ever wondered what it's like being broke in France?
Learn more.

Guide to hotel toiletries

2009-12-10T10:29:00.001-08:00

Here's a helpful guide to some of the leading hotels and the brands of luxury products they have on offer in their maid's carts.

Starwood Hotels 
Sheraton: Shine by Bliss 
Four Points by Sheraton: Caswell-Massey 
W Hotels: Bliss ·
Westin: Heavenly (made especially for Westin )
Aloft: Bliss · Luxury Collection,
St. Regis and Le Meridien: Signature bath products

Marriot Hotels ·
JW Marriott, Nervae 
Marriott- Bath and Body Works 
Renaissance- Lather 
Courtyard: Davies Gate 
Fairfield Inn: Pantene 
Residence Inn: Davies Gate 
SpringHill Suites: Pro Terra 
TownePlace Suites: Pro Terra

Intercontinental Hotels (IHG) 
Hotel Indigo: Aveda 
Holiday Inn: Garden Botanika products 
Holiday Inn Express: Simply SmartTM 
Crowne Plaza: Reneu Botanicals collection 
Staybridge Suites: SIMPLY be wellTM herbal bath collection

Hilton Hotels  Crabtree & Evelyn LaSource
Hyatt Hotels Varies, but some properties use eShave
Wyndahm HotelsS  Bath and Body Works
Four Seasons Hotels L'Occitane products in Lemon Verbena
Ritz Carlton Hotels Bulgari

LOCAL FAVORITES
New York The Franklin Hotel, Bulgari; The Shoreham Hotel, Aveda;  The Mansfield Hotel, Aveda;  The Bowery Hotel, CO Bigelow ; Gramercy Park Hotel, Mixture, hand-picked by Allure editor;  Carlyle Hotel, Kiehls;  The Carlton, Penhaligon; Flathotel, Essential Elements; Soho and Tribeca Grand, Kiehls; Alex Hotel, Frederick Fekkai

Atlantic City Lather Water Club, L'Occitane ; The Chelsea AC, Kiehls

Boston Liberty Hotel, Molton Brown;  XV Beacon, Fresh products;  White Barn Inn (Maine), Molton Brown; Fairmont Copely Plaza, Penthaligons Quercus

Miami The Tides South Beach, Molton Brown ; The Setai, Aqua di Parma ; Angler's Resort, Aveda;  The Raleigh, Kiehl's; Sagamore, Fresh; The Biltmore, Gilchrist and Soames; Acqualina, ETRO; Trump International Beach Resort, Ecru

Los Angeles Hotel Oceana, Kiehl's;  London West Hollywood, Clear;  Palihouse West Hollywood, C.O. Bigelow ; Sunset Marquis, Aveda; Sofitel, Rodger & Gallet; Roosevelt, Fresh; Hotel Bel-air, Kiehls; Shutters, Molton Brown Signature

Las Vegas  Bulgari at  Mansion; Bulgari  Signature at MGM Grand; Gilchrist and Soames tangerine and olive flower at Caesar's Palace.

Sonoma/Napa The Sonoma Mission Inn, proprietary Apricot Cream products, Kenwood Inn, Arconna; MacArthur Park, proprietary blends of grape and wine based products and green tea infused skincare products; Carnero's Inn, Red Flower Blood Orange

Other US Cities Topnotch in Stowe, June Jacobs; Little Nell in Aspen, June Jacobs;  Stoneleigh in Dallas, Baronessa Cali;  Hotel Zaza in Houston, Molton Brown;   James in Chicago, Kiehls; Bacara in Santa Barbara, Fresh; Chanier in Newport Beach, Pentahligons Quercus
 The St. Regis in San Francisco - Laboratorie Remede toiletries.

Saving a cherished American holiday

2009-11-24T13:46:00.000-08:00

In 1621, the Pilgrims and Indians gathered for an autumn feast that became known as America's first Thanksgiving. Over the centuries, the legacy of gathering and giving thanks for a bountiful harvest has has evolved into a frenzy of gluttony and consumerism.

Sadly, this year, the only ones who will be able to properly observe this important and uniquely American tradition will be Wall Street executives, their families, friends, lobbyists and the politicians in their pockets (I hope they remember to order a kosher Turducken for Joe Lieberman).

If the rest of us don't make a few adjustments, Thanksgiving is in danger of becoming yet another American pastime that only the very rich can enjoy. But what can those of us without cash, valid credit cards or food do?

Hit the road
A short walk on the highway should provide everything you need for a delicious, all natural, Thanksgiving dinner much like the Pilgrims enjoyed, without having to spend a cent or harm a living creature. The roads are littered with freshly killed, free range venison, raccoons, rabbits, squirrels, turkeys, pheasants and other game. They're free and yours for the taking. Save the pelts. They'll come in handy later this winter when the gas company cuts off your heat. Click here for roadkill recipes and preparation tips.

Side dishes are also plentiful along the roadside with offerings such as wild greens, aged carved pumpkins, berries and nuts. Do all you pureeing, mashing and tenderizing on the road and you'll have fewer dishes to wash afterward. Make sure to research edible plants before serving.

A sample menu idea:
*Brined, roasted deercoonsquirrel (deer stuffed with a raccoon stuffed with a squirrel)
*Sauteed nettle and wild mushrooms
*pumpkin and wild sorrel soup
*a festive melange of candy corn, orange pixie stiks and M&Ms leftover from Halloween.

Getting that big turkey dinner feeling without turkey or dinner
If you decide to forgo the Thanksgiving meal entirely, you can still recreate the sense of grogginess, fullness and mild nausea that comes from stuffing yourself with too much turkey and trimmings. With much less prep time.

First, shoplift a bottle of L-tryptophan (much easier to get out of the store than a 15 pound butterball). Take a few when you would normally be eating your Thanksgiving feast. Follow the pills with a cup of raw oatmeal (any raw grain that expands with fluid will also do). Wash down with several glasses of warm water. You'll have that sick beached whale feeling in no time. Pigeons have been known to explode using this method, so take it easy on the oatmeal.

For a post Thanksgiving sensation that't truly authentic, wear clothing that is several sizes too small around the waist.

Follow the Pilgrims' example
Ask your neighbors over for a potluck Thanksgiving feast, just like the Pilgrims invited the native Americans. Once you've enjoyed their delicious offerings, kill them and steal their possessions and property. This is especially satisfying if you have a Citibank in your neighborhood.

Family moments
You can still spend this special day in the presence of loved ones far away without the frustration and expense of travel. Skype lets you enjoy real face time with your family until someone inevitably storms out yelling: "" I try and I try to please you and you couldn't even be bothered to notice because you're too busy gurgling and cooing and buying presents for (insert sibling's name here). Well you can all go screw youselves!. I hate you and never want to see you again! Not that anyone gives a damn!". Now, that's Thanksgiving!

Charity
If you're anything like me, every Thanksgiving you swear that you'll help out at a soup kitchen next year. Let this be the year you actually do it. Pitch in and clean a plate. Two, if you're really hungry.

Assuaging Rage, One Prick at a Time

2009-11-08T22:04:00.000-08:00

If you've lived your life believing that hard work, ethics, observing the golden rule and fiscal responsibility will be rewarded, you're probably a little ticked off right now. Okay, you're probably roiling with rage (especially if you stopped taking your anti-depressants because your insurance company canceled you for being depressed).

A lot of that anger comes from a sense of betrayal and helplessness at seeing people who broke every law of decency living high on the hog while the rest of us are hard pressed to afford a swine flu shot (if we could find one).

The logical recourse is to seek justice. You've appealed to their non-existent sense of decency. You've written your elected officials, attorney general, chamber of commerce and better business bureau. Clearly, you can't afford a lawyer. Crank calls and internet heckling bring no relief. And while sending offenders cat poop in the mail is satisfying, the postage is costly--there are no bulk media rates for mass poop mailings (which REALLY pisses you off). And try as you might, you seem to get your friends interested in storming Wall Street or the Capitol because pitchforks are too expensive.

If you're quivering with rage just thinking about it, it's time to take action. I've discovered a way to calm my ire and achieve a semblance of inner peace without costly aids like therapists, tranquilizers, a masseuse or weapons.

Whether your anger is directed at a TARP recipient harassing you for an overdue $69, a vile CEO, pundit or politician, someone who screwed you over, the neighbor's dog, or the waiter who lied when he told you the chef's special chicken was all white meat, my methods ensure that all bad behavior is met with swift and decisive punishment (finally!). I can't tell you how much better you'll feel. Here's how it works:

Rediscover the childlike joy of Halloween (get free stuff)

2009-10-30T11:28:00.000-07:00

Last year at this time you were probably at the seamstress putting the final touches on your Marie Antoinette/Sarah Palin/Henry VIII/Joe the Plumber costume. Unless you're a Wall Street or Insurance executive or one of their lobbyists, you may be feeling some trepidation as to how to deal with the holiday this year.

Halloween traditionally marks the end of the harvest season when people begin storing necessities for the long, lean months ahead. Which is exactly the way you should be looking at it now. Lucky for you, opportunity is everywhere.

Tricks, yaaaay!

Stop worrying about how you're going to afford candy for the trick-or-treaters. Those Halloween tricksters you fear can be a godsend. Think about it; a good house TPing requires at least one roll of toilet paper. Once you get it back on the roll it'll come in handy and save you money. Play your cards right and you won't need to buy another roll of toilet paper until 2010. Who knows, you might even get hit with quilted toilet paper in decorator colors if you live in an upscale neighborhood.

Even better, your tricksters could be armed with eggs, which would be a delicious change of pace from your usual breakfast of nothing. Save yourself some extra work and stop the culprits before they strike (unless you like your eggs scrambled).

Seize the day (and anything else you can get)

This is the one time of year where you can don a scary robber mask and freely enter a Brinks armored truck, local merchant or lavish mansion and nobody will think anything of it, even if you're carrying a large bag. Be forceful when demanding your treats. Warning: Don't try this in a bank. My local branch brutally informed me that they arrest anyone who enters wearing a mask (even a Hank Paulson mask!). Typically, they make no exceptions, even during this festive time of year.

Getting treats in goods and unmarked bills

These days, parents are afraid of sending their children to strangers' homes. Many communities have made arrangements with local merchants so the kids can trick or treat at stores safely. Take advantage of this opportunity. Tell your child to ask for staples like a jar of peanut butter, tampons, flour, shampoo, etc. Better yet, have them ask for the contents of the cash register. How could anyone refuse your adorable little angel? This is also an excellent opportunity to teach your child manners: remind them to always say "please" and "thank you."

Free candy
Even if you're over 4 feet tall, and not wearing a costume, opportunities for free candy are everywhere. At the bank, the stores, the hair salon, the library, in lobbies. Grab it while it's there or you'll regret it later, I guarantee it. If you have children, give them laundry bags or trash bags and don't let them come home until the bags are full. Since you may be depending on your Halloween treats for nourishment, it's important to optimize your Halloween harvest's nutritional value by consulting my Halloween candy food pyramid.

Treats with financial value

Just because a candy has no nutritional value, doesn't mean it's worthless. On the contrary, Skittles, Red Hots, Hot Tamales, Sweet Tarts, Mike and Ikes, m&ms and Pixie Stix are known moneymakers. With a little clever marketing, you can resell them at a huge profit as drugs to stupid rich people. For example, sell the Pixie Stix as pre-chopped cocaine in designer colors that come with their own straw. The beauty of this approach is you get all the income of a drug dealer or pharmaceutical executive, without the guilt of actually selling drugs (although the high fructose corn syrup may be more dangerous than drugs). Do not try this on hardened drug addicts. They might hurt you.

The morning after
Pumpkins are both delicious and nutritious and using them for merely decorative purposes is a crime. You'll be performing a valuable service by picking up all the spent pumpkins in your neighborhood and disposing of them ... in your mouth. Here are some recipes, including how to stuff a pumpkin for Thanksgiving.

Now go out there and have a happy, bountiful Halloween!

Halloween candy food pyramid

2009-10-25T23:10:00.000-07:00

Take advantage of the multitude of Halloween offerings now that you might be depending on them for nourishment. Nutritionally speaking, some Halloween candy is worth more than others. Consult the Halloween candy pyramid below to make healthier choices this Halloween.

Always go for the candy with the greatest number of food groups in it. For example, a Chunky bar is preferable to a Hershey bar with almonds, because it contains three food groups, dairy (milk chocolate), protein (nuts), fruit (raisins) while the Hershey bar only has two (dairy and protein). Mix a Chunky bar with a Nestle Crunch bar (containing rice) and you've got a complete, well-balanced meal. Anything with coconut is also a good bet since it qualifies as both a fruit AND a nut.

Financial doldrums got you down? Look on the bright side

2009-10-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

I know it's hard to believe this right now, but for everything dear to you that you've lost or cut back on during these times of economic strife, there IS a silver lining.

I'm listing some of the painful losses I've endured and the good that came from them. I hope it helps you get through your own personal financial struggles and gives you the tools necessary to make the most of your suffering.

Pre-stirred yogurt
This was one of the first costly luxuries I gave up when I realized the gravity of my financial situation. Yes, it's exhausting having to actually stir the yogurt flavoring in with the yogurt, but after several months, I noticed my arms and pecs strengthening. It's a great way to combine breakfast and exercise. Turns out I never really needed that gym membership and personal trainer in the first place.

Job
You may have lost your vocation and income, but look at all the extra time you've got on your hands. This is your opportunity to fulfill your lifelong dream. As long as that dream doesn't involve making money. You'll also make lots of new friends on the unemployment line.

Credit cards
You'll get used to not being able to buy whatever you want on a whim, I promise. Once you emerge from the fog of your shopping frenzy you'll realize that maybe you really don't "have to have" that core biopsy, or blood pressure medicine after all.

The cleaning lady
Letting my cleaning lady go was the hardest thing I had to do. But now that it's done, it's a relief not having to wake up early every Wednesday morning to clean up before she gets here. But the real up side is when I told my cleaning lady I could no longer afford her, she offered me a job doing her laundry (she doesn't do laundry). Sometimes she even gives me her hand me downs.

Health care
I've got to tell that you the years of not having health care have been the most blissful of my adult life. Granted, there will still be nights you'll awaken in a cold sweat because you haven't had a mammogram in six years and you're sure it's probably already too late. On the other hand, NOT having health care can make what little time you have left much less unpleasant. You'll save thousands of dollars a year in unnecessary tests, not to mention the time saved in waiting rooms and emergency rooms dealing with the botched procedure. And face it, the stress of waiting for test results and and pleading with your insurance company to make good on their promise to cover you can take years off your life (it can also take years). Yes, you'll miss your anti-depressants, but it's quite probable that the health care system is what made you need them in the first place.

Electricity.
Sure it's annoying not being able to see after sundown. But there are definite pluses. My night vision has improved, which will come in handy when revolutionaries take down the power grid and looting ensues.

Food
Food is a wonderful thing, and I really miss it. On the other hand, the last time I've been this svelte was after a really bad case of dysentery. I can't tell you how many people have commented on how great I look. It's amazing how the garbage bag that looked so hideous on me when I was a size 10, looks like Dolce and Gabbana now that I'm down to a size 4.

Vision (glasses)
When I realized my vision was getting worse and I couldn't afford glasses, I was a little depressed. But now that I've had time to adjust, I'm enjoying seeing the world (and myself) in soft focus. My wrinkles are gone, my skin is flawless -- I've never looked this good! Another plus, seeing everything blurred, gives me the feeling of being drunk or stoned without spending a cent on intoxicants. I still get a cheap thrill when a cop pulls me over for DWUI, only to discover I'm totally sober! And ever since my eyes started going bad, the cops that pull me over have been much cuter too.

Phone service
Do you realize how much stress and heartache your phone has brought you? Good riddance, I say. You may worry that you'll miss calls offering you jobs or other lucrative opportunities that might dig you out of this financial pit you're in, but in truth, 9 out of 10 calls are from phone banks in Asia demanding payment or else. Without phone service, you may not even miss not having your anti-anxiety medication.

Teeth
See food.

Your home
Once you let go of your house, the burden of monthly payments and maintenance will be lifted. You also get to spend more time outdoors.

Hope
I was one of those people who clung to the hope that my vote counts, that my elected representative will represent me, that a politician will keep his or her campaign promises (or any promise), that hard work and dedication are rewarded, that he will call tomorrow, that the check is in the mail, that the AT&T repair guy will get here between 9am and noon as promised.... You can imagine the constant disappointment.

Now that I've given up hope I'm much less agitated, bitter and disillusioned (which we all know, can age you). Time that I would have spent having my heart broken, plotting revenge, and sticking pins into voodoo dolls I now use on my arts and crafts projects. By the way, would anyone like to buy a macrame belt?

Housing crisis extends beyond our species

2009-10-02T23:45:00.000-07:00

While foraging for escargot in the park, I made a startling observation. I used to see lots of snails. Now, all I see are slugs. I can't be the only one who has noticed this. Everyone knows that a snail is just a slug with a house.

The obvious conclusion is that slugs are suffering an unprecedented housing crisis too.

Granted, this is California, where the economic slump has hit very hard. Maybe it's not surprising that even garden creatures are suffering here, but I've got to think this is probably happening all over the nation.

Preparing for economic apocalypse

2009-09-18T11:03:00.000-07:00

I’ve been reading the news. And despite what Bernake says, I don’t think we’re on the cusp of recovery. Granted, I don’t have his fancy PHD (or whatever he has) or his vast experience wrecking the economy. But my indicators say that if unemployment continues, we don’t produce anything and the financial system can only survive by ripping off the middle and lower classes who are tapped out, then something’s got to give.

Just like many people prepare for Armageddon or nuclear winter, it’s equally important to be ready, just in case the unspeakable happens… You know what I’m talking about.

Here are some translations for some phrases you’ll need to know:

You want fries with that? : 您希望与该薯条？

Take my house and my car, but please don’t take my internet access!: 请不要把我的房子！

I hope you accept payment in pennies: 我希望你接受硬币付款。

I would gladly repay you Tuesday for a pork bun today: 我会很高兴地报答你的猪肉包今天星期二

Rich Corporate Executives Have Problems Too, You Know

2009-09-02T11:07:00.001-07:00

During these difficult financial times, most of us have been focused on things like paying the bills, keeping a roof over our heads and feeding the children.

Being an empathetic person, I thought it only fair to devote a little attention to the 1% of the population who helped create this situation, yet are still employed and living like pashas. Let's not forget that this is a time of fear and uncertainty for them too.

Sure, their concerns are different than yours or mine. But I'm sure to them, the worry that their excessive wealth and lavish lifestyles will inspire envy, larceny and angry hordes is just as excruciating as the worry of becoming homeless is to the rest of us.

So, Hank, Larry, Lloyd, Bob, Ben, Ken, Vikram, and the rest of you guys, here's my advice to you on how to get through the recession.

I know this is going to be difficult to hear, but you're going to have to pretend to make some major sacrifices.

Trains, Yachts and Automobiles

Nothing enrages the people whose money bailed you out more than to see you in a shiny new corporate jet. Especially when they're trading down to shopping carts. Instead of giving up your luxurious jet or putting it in storage, antique it. You'd be amazed how a few dings on the nose, some dice hanging from the rear view mirror and some old "Free Huey" bumper stickers can take your jet from "rich corporate bad guy" to "just another jet from the hood."

Consider hiring someone to paint some camouflage on your jet, yacht, limo or hummer so it doesn't attract the wrong kind of attention. With a pentagon quality paint job, you might even be mistaken for a military vehicle and garner love and respect rather than simmering resentment. Another plus, you'll actually stimulate the economy by hiring a painter. Make sure you hire American for a change. It's a wonderful opportunity to appear to contribute something meaningful to America's no longer working class.

Better homes and gardens

A few well-placed props can make a 85 million dollar estate a place you can feel safe showing to the impoverished masses (from the other side of the gates, of course). Park a rusty, dilapidated pick-up truck on the front lawn and let the garden go. A burning trash can or tires are always a nice touch. The neighbors might object, but it'll keep the robbers and lynch mobs away. Or just put a foreclosure sign out front (FYI, I have one you can buy for $19,843.02 or $536.12 a month at 33% compounded daily for the rest of your life).

Perfecting the "waif" look

Fortunately, your trophy wife can still spend a fortune keeping up with the latest designer trends and look like she dug her wardrobe out of the dumpster. Several designers are coming out with "recession chic" lines for the winter (check the latest WWD or Vogue in the plastic surgeons waiting room). Stay away from anything with a prominent designer logo (I know it kind of defeats the purpose of buying a designer label, but be strong). For those ubiquitous Ralph Lauren and Izod logos, have your seamstress whip up some St. Vincent de Paul or Salvation Army labels for a cover up.

Finding inner beauty

Speaking of plastic surgeons, now's a good time to get those implants (chin, butt, boob, pec, whatever) you and your family members have had your eyes on. In a time where the chasm between the haves and have nots has never been wider, putting all your money in your body instead of on it is the healthiest thing you can do. Another plus; If a revolution should occur and your fortune is pillaged, you'll still be able to hold on to hundreds of thousands of dollars of your assets -- nobody has figured out how to repossess a pound of flesh (or silicone gel). Yet.

Going from broke to spiritually enlightened in a few easy steps

2009-08-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

It's a a shame that in our culture, being broke and unemployed with no future is often equated with being a loser.

People who used to identify success and happiness with material possessions and the ability to acquire them at whim, are understandably having problems dealing with prevailing economic setbacks.

Upon having their credit declined at the apple store when attempting to buy the newest iPhone, some have spiraled into depressions so deep, only a lexapro/klonopin cocktail can help them. Sadly, these people are usually the ones who gave up their health insurance a few months ago to buy the last lastest iPhone. As a result, a large portion of the population could descend into a black hole of despair that's not only fiscal, but mental.

Fortunately, all it takes is a slight shift in attitude and behaviors to turn the stigma of being broke, into an attribute to be admired.

The Gandhi manuever
Say you used to dress in the latest from the haute designers and now everything you own is so hopelessly two months ago you've gone into hiding. Find an old sheet and wear it Gandhi style. Tell anyone who will listen that it suddenly occurred to you that all those ridiculously expensive designer clothes ultimately brought you no happiness and were merely expensive cover ups for a gaping hole in your spirit. If you see someone wearing the Christian Leboutin shoes that you would have coveted before you found your soul, mention that for the same price, the proud owner could feed a starving Somalian family for a year. See how quickly you can re-spin your poverty into moral superiority. And it's not like a vow of poverty is irrevocable. If you ever get your financial bearings back, you can start shopping for the hottest designer sheets and matching accessories.

Volunteering

Now that you have nothing better to do, volunteering for a worthy non-profit organization is a great way to network, add to your resume and appear to give a damn about people less fortunate than yourself (link to list of worthy non-profits). Tell everyone that you're tired of working for the big corporate machine, chasing the dollar to feed your shallow addictions and you want to pursue an area where you can really make a positive impact on the world. Choose an organization that you either feel passionately about, or one that confers status on you. If you're opposed to manual labor, find a volunteer project that utilizes your preferred skill set and requires lots of dinner meetings. If you miraculously find gainful employment while you're in the middle of a project, you can always bail at the last minute. They'll understand that your new job will keep you incredibly busy shopping for new work clothes.

Environmental activism
Repeat after me: "I'm not living in a tree because I got evicted due to non-payment of rent/forclosed on. I'm living in a tree to make an environmental statement because I'm socially and environmentally aware and I have the balls to DO something about it."

The pros of tree sitting: Free rent. No utility bills. Well-meaning environmentalists will bring you food (free food.)

The cons of tree sitting: Free food is usually vegan. In other to maintain your integrity of an activist, you've got to stay up there. It can get pretty boring. But during daylight hours you'll have plenty of time to do some research and learn why sitting in a tree contributes to the environment.

Getting started
Nothing is easier than spinning your newly acquired poverty into socially conscious altruism once you get the hang of it. Here are a few things you need to tell yourself in order to begin the transformation.

Your electricity is off because you're tired of being held hostage to the energy companies.

You've started taking public transportation to reduce your carbon footprint and to experience life amongst the masses.

You're boycotting Wall Street by not using your credit cards (no need to mention they've all been cancelled)

You've eschewed personal grooming in order to shed the superficialities that society has imposed on you and focus on developing your inner beauty. Or just complain how all the grooming products are animal cruel, environmentally bad or owned by an evil corporation.

The pros and pros of declaring bankruptcy

2009-08-13T10:31:00.000-07:00

The idea of declaring bankruptcy has always seemed a bit shameful, something to be avoided at all costs. In these times, that attitude is archaic and foolish. Especially when you consider that some of our most prestigious companies have done it, not to mention luminaries like Donald Trump, Larry King, Toni Braxton, Francis Ford Coppola and any number of Jacksons. And not one of them had to sacrifice their lavish standard of living, status or credit rating for one minute.

Clearly, it’s time to get over the stigma. Bankruptcy is awesome. Once you know the specifics, you’ll wish you did it sooner. I know I do.

What makes bankruptcy particularly appealing right now is the fact that the courts are so clogged with cases (over 6,000 new ones a day), it’ll take years for yours to be processed by the courts. That means after you file the preliminary papers, all your debts will be frozen and no further payment will be required until the court date (which should occur no sooner than 2014 at the current rate). In the meantime, nobody can take legal action against you, evict you or charge interest and penalties. Sure, it may screw up your credit rating for awhile, but let's get serious: your credit rating is so screwed, bankruptcy may be a step up. The past part is, you get to live exactly as you have been, without the annoying monthly payments.

Let me compare the lifestyle of two people who have been unemployed for over a year. One has declared bankruptcy (who we’ll call Prince) and the other hasn’t (we’ll call him Pauper)

Pauper has been trying desperately to pay off credit card debt for years. Unable to deal with the threats of creditors and predators, he moved into his parents' laundry room so he wouldn’t have he added burden of paying for a place to live. Since then he has staunched the financial bleeding, but has also acquired a chipped tooth from the zipper on the pants he intercepted on their flight to the washing machine, a nervous tic, and stress induced eczema (diagnosed by Google). Despite no longer having to pay rent, he still struggles monthly to pay his minimum balance, which is mostly interest. The principle debt is not going down. Pauper hasn’t been on vacation for years. His last clothing purchase was a pair of $2.00 flip flops on sale at Old Navy. He avoids people, because it usually involves spending money on drinks and food and he doesn’t want to blow his monthly food budget on a cup of coffee and a scone.

Meanwhile, Prince filed bankruptcy six months ago when the incessant calls from creditors were making it impossible to enjoy his new $500 Blackberry. Prince is still living in his lovely home, purchased for $300,000, borrowed on at $850,000 and now worth $600,000. Well, actually Prince is currently vacationing at a spa in Hawaii, which he can afford because he is no longer paying bills and isn’t accruing one bit of interest or penalties, while he waits for his case to make the court calendar. Now he can spend every cent he earns on necessities like food, clothing, vacations, premium cable, exfoliation and Cuban cigars. His skin is clear, his belly is full and he is up to date on the latest episode of Weeds.

The old way of thinking would have labeled Prince an immoral cad. Today he probably qualifies for a top banking job. On the other hand, Pauper comes off a naïve douche with bad teeth, unattractive skin and a twitch.

Before you rush off to declare bankruptcy, a few important tips. Maximizing the amount you'll be absolved from owing is just good business sense. Make sure you charge all your credit lines up to the limit before declaring. Get things you really need like a good haircut, pedicure and fancy Italian espresso/cappuccino maker (think of the money you'll save on Starbucks). While Chapter 11 is the most famous kind of bankruptcy, you'll want a Chapter 7, which lets you keep your material possessions without necessitating a repayment plan. You’ll probably lose your house if you have one, all your other possessions like your flatscreen, Dolce and Gabbana ensemble and sub-zero remain yours. You just don’t have to continue paying them off. And now that your house is worth less than you're paying for it, squatting there for free is a welcome relief from the burden of ownership.

Sound too good to be true? Well, there is a catch. It’ll cost you. In order to declare bankruptcy, there's a fee and you’ll probably need a lawyer, which usually costs $5,000 – $6,000 (which if you had it, you wouldn’t need to declare bankruptcy). So before you enter into an arrangement with any lawyer, make sure he or she accepts credit. If you can’t find a willing lawyer, try bartering. Sure, you may have to sacrifice your first born child, but you’re doing it for your child's own good (bankruptcy law is booming—he/she shall not want).

The other option is to file the initial claim yourself and go to law school. You'll earn your degree before the case comes to court.

The sooner you file, the sooner you can begin your new stress- free life and start accumulating new debt. Rumor has it Narciscoo Rodriguez's fall line is to die for.

The 14 stages of financial meltdown

2009-07-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

Just like every tragedy in life, there is a process that every individual/major corporation/government goes through when experiencing financial loss for the first time. Because of the trauma and emotional complexity of going broke, the recovery process is more prolonged than your run of the mill disaster like death or divorce.
Based on my personal experience and intensive study, I've outlined the stages and given examples of common corresponding emotions and reactions. Invariably, each stage must be experienced fully by all three sectors in order for all of us to move on and lead happy, fulfilling lives.

1) Denial: You cope by telling yourself/shareholders/nation that everything will be fine because this can't be happening to an award winning copywriter and cardmember since 1993/a multinational corporation/America.

2) Shock: This period is characterized by numbness and an inability to act. A typical reaction is to watch reality TV for hours on end/go on corporate retreats/take a holiday break.

3) Denial: You help stimulate the economy by buying a $1,600 Chloe bag/an $80,000 commode for your office suite/billions of dollars in toxic assets.

4) Bargaining: Once you realize you can't meet your monthly minimum payments, a desperate search for funds commences. New credit lines are opened. Begging parents/The Federal Reserve/Nancy Pelosi for help can be expected during this stage.

5) Denial: Now that relief is in sight, old habits resume. You tell yourself that there will never be a full recovery unless you purchase a periwinkle blue cashmere sweater/Gulfstream jet/more toxic assets.

6) Fear: It finally hits you that your debt is mounting and productivity is down. Dark thoughts, such as "what if I never work again and have to live in the street?"/"What if I don't get my 46 million dollar bonus?"/"what if I don't get re-elected" may torment you.

7) Denial: You're convinced that with a little creative reshuffling you won't have to give up your previous way of life. You stock up on necessities such as ramen/lobbyists/pork.

8) Isolation: You avoid human interaction. You don't answer your phone, knowing it's from a phone bank in Asia/a bank in Asia/the Asian government, calling in your debt.

9) Denial: You site examples such as "I have a job interview next week"/"the market is stabilized"/"fewer people are googling economic recession" as proof that things are on the upswing.

10) Anger: At this point you'll become enraged at the unfairness of it all. You'll lash out and try to assign blame for your loss. In this volatile and muddled state, rage is commonly deflected into secondary but highly emotional issues like Jon and Kate/executive compensation caps/the opposition party's sex life.

11) Denial: You issue facebook updates/profit reports/press releases that imply things are getting better.

At this point, while individuals move on to the final stages, Wall Street and the government repeat stages 1-11. We can only hope they catch up to complete the following stages of the recovery process soon.

12) Sorrow: A period of mourning the loss of your financial security. You're finally able to cry over the possibility of never seeing your pension plan, doctor, and complete protein again.

13) Reconciliation: You begin to accept the fact that your credit rating and job opportunities are gone forever (or seven years, whichever comes first), and that your dreams of living like a pasha may be unattainable. You might consider a more ascetic, spiritual path. Some learn new skills like doing their own pedicures, learning Chinese and if you're an individual, theft (the other two branches have already mastered that one).

14) Recovery: You're finally ready to let go of your past way of life and move on to the next phase. Some relocate to a place where there's still hope of living the American dream (best bets are Latvia and Slovenia). Some move in with their parents or into a homeless shelter. Others find free room and board in prison.

Creative dentistry

2009-07-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

There's only one thing worse than going to the dentist: not being able to afford going to the dentist when you need one.

While the health care crisis is a hot topic these days, people remain tight lipped about the dental crisis looming in America.

Most basic insurance plans offer a dental option. You pay $30 - $50 a month extra and if you're not denied coverage because your teeth are a preexisting condition, you may be reimbursed $20 for an $800 root canal. A moot point since you can't afford a basic insurance plan in the first place.

Dental work often costs more than medical procedures, and it's pretty much pay to play. Even if you give up food (which you may have to do anyways for lack of teeth), anyone struggling financially, will have to find new and creative approaches to oral emergencies.

After years of financial and dental decay, I've compiled a comprehensive list on how to ease the physical and emotional discomfort of poor dental health.

Cavities: If only all dental problems were this easy. Just fill the cavities with gum (preferably sugarless) or wax. A nice peppermint scented candle will freshen your breath at the same time.

Exposed nerve/root canal: Again, wax or gum fillings can be lifesavers, protecting the nerve from excrutiating contact with air. If the pain persists, thoroughly rinse your mouth with cheap vodka before swallowing. It works as both a numbing and antibacterial agent. If symptoms persist after numerous applications, find the nearest dental school and make an appointment for their free group training sessions. Make sure to bring an iPod to drown out the screams.

Tooth reconstruction, implants, crowns oral surgery: This stuff really adds up. Often, one simple procedure can cost more than your entire Citicard balance. If you can find a willing periodontist to marry, this may be your best option. Check the phone books and start calling around. You'll still need to pay for crowns, lab work and dentures, but that's a drop in the bucket compared to the periodontist fees. And now that you're married to a doctor, at least you have a breadwinner in the family to pay for it.

If you can't find a suitable periodontist and you're good with your hands, try carving teeth out of ivory, plastic marble or clay and engineer something with paper clips and crazy glue.

If none of these options work, you'll probably have to settle for some superficial adjustments.
Practice talking with your mouth closed. (link to learning ventriloquism).

Wax lips are an inexpensive way to cover up a hole in your smile, and some women pay thousands of dollars to get the exact same look. It's also an inexpensive replacement for lipstick (a near match for NARS Tango).

Wear a surgical mask when you go out in public. Your friends may think you're weirdly germaphobic or mourning Michael Jackson if you wear it in black, but at least they won't think you're broke. It will also protect you from swine flu.

Browse the novelty stores for an attractive set of vampire teeth. They're reasonably priced at $3.29, (versus $50,000 for six new upper teeth if done professionally). What with the popularity of Twilight and vampires in general, you can smile in style.

Fashion yourself a grill out of tin foil to hide a vacant or chipped tooth. It's a lot edgier than flashing a toothless grin or snarl.

Avoid all activities that involve smiling or laughter. Better yet, avoid anything that requires any facial movement and you'll also save yourself thousands of dollars in future Botox and Restalyne treatments.

Dressing well when your budget's bare.

2009-06-28T22:10:00.000-07:00

Since you probably still have a small amount of pride left, you want to give off the same air of success in person that you’ve been cultivating on your Facebook and LinkedIn pages. Not so easy now that you've started referring to the never worn taupe Juicy Couture velour sweatpants you bought in 2001 as your "dress pants".

Fortunately, all the latest in designer names are still at your disposal for those rare occassions you have to get dressed and go somewhere. Free.

Many happy returns!

If you still have a valid credit card, your best bet is buying and returning (aka “bulimic shopping” to diagnosticians and “borrowing” to those who practice it.

A psychological lifesaver for the broke fashionista, bulimic shopping allows you to binge on high end designer clothes and purge them once they're out of style (usually in a day or two). Sure, you’ll have to keep the price tag on, but a little rectangle of cardboard digging into the fleshy part of your back is a small price to pay for the status of wearing the same dress Gwyneth was spotted in at the Ivy.

Once you've worn the item once, the thrill of ownership is gone and you realize that a $1,999 white silk dress just isn't practical for your impending employment at Denny’s (if all goes well), simply bring it back for the full refund.

To ensure a successful return, be very careful when wearing the article. Don’t walk, eat, lean or sit. If you must drink, only consume clear fluids that don’t stain. Check the refund policy or you may wind up paying for a one night stand (in Stella McCartney) for the rest of your life (or 30 years, whichever comes first). To learn more about refund policies from an expert, click here.

Finally, never wear your borrowed clothes on a date in which you plan to get naked—nothing’s more of a turn off than a woman (or man, for that matter) with drooping tags.

Foot notes

Unless you don’t walk, returning shoes can present problems, as the soles can be dead giveaways come refund time.

If you’re the eccentric artistic type, you might be able to get away with wrapping those strappy Pradas in Baggies, but it does take away from their timeless, yet modern elegance. There's also the risk that logo watchers might think your shoes were designed by Ziplock. On the plus side, the Baggies can help camouflage the crappy pedicure you had to do yourself.

As a rule, the only shoes that make sense to borrow are “ f***- me” pumps, since your feet will be in the air most of the time anyways.

Fashion straight off the runway

One of the best places to pick up free, quality clothes is at airport baggage carousels . There’s little danger of getting caught since security is much more concerned with catching tweezer and fluid carriers than luggage thieves. The only risk involved is not knowing exactly what’s in the suitcase until you’ve already taken possession of it. But that’s also what makes it exciting. Every bag you steal is like a gift...maybe that Dolce & Gabbana blazer you've been wishing for is in there. Or better yet, the original owner is a jewelry smuggler!

To increase your chances of getting something wearable, stick to carousels arriving from places that wealthy people travel and shop. Paris, Milan, Hong Kong and Dubai are always good bets. The first class baggage comes out of the chute first, so get there early. Avoid discount carrier carousels. Always grab designer luggage, since even if you can't use the contents, it'll get a good price on eBay.

It's not old, it's "vintage"

If all else fails, do what Rachel Zoe does when she’s in a pinch—wear that frayed, slightly stained, hopelessly out of fashion Chanel/Gaultier/Dior you’ve got in your closet, hold your head high and tell everyone it's vintage. They'll think you’re a trendsetter instead of just a poor slob.

Return policy guide for bulimic shoppers

2009-06-28T15:11:00.000-07:00

Since I'm no longer allowed in stores, I dispatched my good friend Debbie Kasher, who happens to be a leader in the field of bulimic shopping, to scope out the return policies at her favorite places to practice her craft. Here’s what she came up with:

• Saks and Barneys are now only accepting returns for 30 days, which is no problem given those, fringed gladiator wedges won’t stay in style much longer than that.

• When you make a purchase using a store’s holiday 30% off discount coupon, those items are non refundable. They only tell you that in print finer than the silk of the Gautier blouse you are now stuck with paying off

• The word credit can be very confusing. Credit does not mean credit to your credit card. It means a store credit, which is of no use to you when creditors from your credit card company are threatening to destroy your credit. You need to look for the word refund.

• Many online stores do offer free no hassle returns. These words are Mallomars to the bulimic shopper. Just make sure the post office is close by so you don’t put wear and tear on the shoes you actually do have to pay for.

• Be ruthless. Don’t give a second thought to the sales person who is about to lose her commission. Remember the disdain with which she looked at you when she noticed the hole in your sock. Socks are not returnable.

The next big thing in marketing: Anti-Social Media

2009-06-22T16:28:00.000-07:00

Economic and demographic figures show a rapidly growing segment is tuning out Twitter, Facebook and other social networking phenomenon in favor of isolation, gazing blankly into space and weeping a lot.

The question facing marketers is how to reach the emerging "impoverished isolator" demographic; people who rarely leave their homes, have stopped keeping up with friends and family and often spend several hours a day in the fetal position.

Smart marketers are looking into Anti-Social Media -- any place you can put an ad or logo that reaches an audience that has ceased caring about anything except meeting their most basic needs.

The print revolution

Print media isn’t dead, it’s just changed location. With traditional media facing extinction and a disheartened, disinterested public, Toilet Paper Messaging (TPM) has emerged as one of the most effective marketing tools out there. Even in a difficult economy, toilet paper users remain loyal with a share holding steady and even growing as people begin using it as a replacement for pricier Kleenex. If you’re trying to reach a wide audience, not even a Superbowl ad matches toilet paper’s reach. TPM guarantees exposure 3-4 times a day while the Superbowl ad is a seven million dollar, 30 second, one shot. It should also be noted that toilet paper enjoys high viewership during Superbowl ads.

The soft sell strategy

Considering that ever since its introduction, the pillow has consistently averaged at least seven hours a day consumer exposure within virtually every target (A.C. Nielson, June 2007), it's surprising its marketing potential hasn't been exploited sooner. Recent studies show that the time consumers spend with pillows rising at an astronomic rate, with the average now ranging from 8-24 hours a day. The above ad illustrates how placement and messaging can create a powerfully persuasive communication. 95% of the focus group responders said they'd consider Met Life as a life insurance option if they could afford life insurance.

Mobile technology for an audience going nowhere.

Twitter, texting and other mobile messaging tools are losing their effectiveness as the public becomes immobilized by debt and depression. Fortunately, new technologies are being fashioned to replace them. One promising mobile device being tested in beta, involves attaching your message/graphic/logo to a string, wire or whatever is handy and hanging it from ceilings. Like its mobile predecessors, it hasn't done much for sales, but top-of-mind awareness numbers are through the roof. It also enhances multi-tasking abilities by allowing the target audience to engage with a brand while simultaneously staring at the ceiling listlessly.

A few telltale signs you're going under.

2009-06-06T16:41:00.000-07:00

1. You’ve been using the stack of unopened bills in the corner as a table.

2. Suddenly, spending three hours on the phone with your bank demanding an explanation for a $35.00 late fee is the most profitable way of spending your time.

3. In a blind taste test of Ramen flavors, you got 100%.

4. You’ve sadly noted that the prevalence of cellphones makes coin returns no longer a viable source of income.

5. You occasionally wish that some hacker would steal your identity (boy, would he or she be sorry).

6. You find yourself flummoxed by decisions you would have considered obvious a year ago…like whether or not to eat the 20 year old misshapen can of beans you found in the garage next to the paint thinner.

7. You envy your pot dealer for having a viable career.

8. You’re boycotting the banks and credit card companies (well… that’s what you’re telling everyone)

9. You don’t even bother to get up and answer the phone when it rings, you just flip it the finger from your recumbent position on the couch.

10. You spend an inordinate time regretting random past opportunities missed (like not eating more of the fried chicken at the office picnic back in 1994)

11. You’ve discovered after all these years of insisting you’d never sell out for money, it turns out you would. In fact, you’d be willing to sell out for a piece of chicken.

12. You find hope in the possibility that Armageddon may occur during this billing cycle.

13. You've started contemptuously referring to anyone wearing this season's shoes as "the man".

14. You’re on your third TARP bailout.

Finding a best friend in your price range.

2009-05-25T19:53:00.000-07:00

Whether you're a President or a pauper, everyone needs a best friend. Someone you can trust with your deepest darkest secrets. Someone who won't sell you out for money or status. Someone who is always excited to see you. Someone who loves you unconditionally. In most cases, that eliminates humans.

Pets are known to relieve stress, prolong lives and are often considered the best antidepressant out there. In other words, you've never needed a pet more than you do now.

If you're a pauper (and most of us are), a a traditional dog or cat is out of the question. A fancy pedigree animal goes for thousands of dollars (and that's not including accessories like a lei, Gucci collar, leash, raincoat and booties). Even if you get your pet from the shelter, there's a fee, shots, licenses and neutering to shell out for, not to mention feeding, grooming and vets.

The solution? A pet rat. The concept may skeeve you out a bit, but for a person suffering from economic stress, there's no better pet.

Think about it:

Rats are free. You probably already have one or two around the house.

They're very good at fending for themselves so you don't have to worry about feeding or walking them.

If you don't scream or try to kill them, they're very friendly and like to cuddle.

You don't have to buy any fancy carrying cases for a rat, since they fit into any purse, briefcase or evening clutch.

They don't bark, chase cars or claw the furniture.

If you crave the prestige of having a pet with lineage and breeding similar to European royalty, tell everyone your rat is descended from a Kennedy compound rat. It's probably true (those Kennedy rats breed like Kennedys).

But here's the clincher: rats do something few cats, dogs or humans can --contribute to the family income. Sure, a Portuguese Water Dog can retrieve sticks, bones and balls, but have you ever seen one fetch something useful? Watch a rat hard at work below and consider the earning potential!

Rat trick

Monetizing the kids.

2009-04-16T23:50:00.000-07:00

Don't come whining to me about the added burden of raising children in this economy. The truth is, having kids can be quite advantageous right about now. There are the obvious tax and welfare benefits, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. How often have I watched a friend's child unicycling through a park to the delight of the passerbyers and thought to myself, 'damn, give that kid a tin cup and you'd never have to work again.' Most parents have no idea the little treasures they've got on their hands.

0- 3 YEAR OLDS

Unless your baby has a birthmark in the shape of Christ, or can memorize a 30 second script and enunciate, infants and toddlers are pretty useless except as a prop for begging for money/help/assistance/patience. However, if you have five or more babies in this age bracket, you could qualify for a reality show, fame and fortune. Your odds of selling to a network are better the more kids you have, so concentrate on quantity rather than quality. Since each child you spawn increases your welfare benefits, you may not have to even cut back on your collagen treatments if you get busy now. If you’re not particularly fertile and only have one or two kids in this age range, casting calls and frequent postings on youtube will increase the chances that your little angel will be able to pull his or her financial weight in the near future.

An idea: with the pressure of PETA and animal rights groups, horse and greyhound racetracks are closing down everywhere. Consider holding baby races to satisfy the public's betting needs. Charge admission, set up betting and watch the profits roll in.

3-8 YEAR OLDS

At this age, your kid is probably writing to the tooth fairy begging for a Blackberry Storm. But think about it: any kid who still believes in the tooth fairy can easily be convinced that a squeegee, rake, plunger or shovel are equally rewarding toys. They'll be washing windows, ironing, cleaning the pool, folding the laundry and plunging the backed up toilet in no time. And unlike you, most children have the attention span to get the job done. Economically speaking, this means your kid can do the work your ex-cleaning lady used to do. There's also earning potential by sending your kid out to do odd jobs around the neighborhood. Who can resist an adorable child holding an over sized garden tool? My niece earned $5.00 cleaning a rich neighbor's pool despite the fact that the lady didn't ask for it. That's right, a seven year old girl brought home the equivalent of two Kraft macaroni and cheese dinners for her family. It was the first time my loins ever ached for a child (I think it was my loins, but it could have been my stomach). At this age, even if the kid botches the job, they'll be rewarded for trying. Now's the time to capitalize on that cuteness factor. Send your child out to play with the right "toys" and he or she will be bringing home the bacon in no time.

8-12 YEAR OLDS

It's critical to nurture and exploit your child's burgeoning talents, interests and skills before they become gawky and unattractive. At this age, children have established multi-million dollar careers, sold hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of crappy cookies and lemonade and signed lucrative endorsement deals. Even if your kid only qualifies for babysitting, a paper route, or bullying other kids for their lunch money, every little bit helps. If your child shows no talent at raising money, at the very least you'll have a free bag of candy once a year to show for it.

13-18 YEAR OLDS
By now, if your child has shown no talent, skill or work ethic you have two choices. You can have those attributes surgically implanted and package your child as a recording artist. Or simply put your teen into a juvenile detention center until they're legal adults and you're no longer responsible for them. You save money on school, clothes, books, healthcare, shrinks, bail money and much more. And there's no reason to feel guilty. Your child won't suffer. In fact, depending on where you live, detention center facilities are often better than the university's. By making your teen a ward of the state, you bear no responsibility for their development or behavior. If they emerge from the facility more screwed up than when they entered, lucrative lawsuit opportunities are available. And if you're worried about the social stigma of having a child in juvenile prison, call it "the academy" and nobody will be the wiser.

Summer vacation ideas to fit your budget.

2009-04-07T10:52:00.001-07:00

Just because your unemployment is about to run out doesn't mean you shouldn't be making vacation plans. On the contrary, being broke and unemployed is stressful. A change of setting, new experiences and emotional distance will help you face life refreshed and ready to do nothing with renewed vigor. It's easy to recreate your favorite summer sojourn for a tiny fraction of the price of the vacations you’ve been enjoying all these years. You just need to know your options.

Spa vacations:
There’s nothing like a trip to a spa to soothe and restore an achy psyche. Well, almost nothing. You can get the same benefits for virtually nothing by taking a short trip through your local car wash. Like spas, car washes offer aqua therapy, exfoliation, massage, buffing, and sauna all at one destination. Just put some new age music on your iPod and you're good to go. You'll emerge buffed, polished and relaxed like a noodle. And if you feel like going all out, take your car through for a cleaning when you're done. It deserves a little R&R too.

Dude ranches:
You may not be shelling out for a temporary home on the range this year, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy horseback riding in the great outdoors. Even if you don’t have a local merry-go-round in your region, every town has a coin operated horse. If you're feeling flush, spend a quarter to experience the horse's lulling gait and the wind in your hair. But just sitting on the stationary horse and rocking back and forth rhythmically can also be extremely soothing.

Beach vacations:
You don't have to travel to some expensive tropical retreat in order to bury your feet in warm sand and enjoy the soothing sounds of the water lapping on the shore. All you really need is a box of cat litter, a deck chair and a garden hose. Let the litter warm up a bit, turn on the hose, kick back, dip your toes in in the sand, close your eyes and it's just like you're on your favorite beach. Don't forget to put on some imaginary sunblock!

Adventure vacations:
You can still experience
the thrill and exhiliration of high risk activities without spending a cent. Try a pulse pounding sojourn in
your bathtub while holding a toaster. Test your endurance and see how long you can hold it above water. Other possibilities include texting while driving 60mph or more (a favorite vacation for the younger generation) or walking through a really bad neighborhood while
wearing headphones. Sure, it may not have the cachet of river rafting in Zambia, but at least if you don't survive, you'll spare you your loved ones the heartbreak and expense of shipping your body home .

There must be something left you can sell.

2009-04-01T15:22:00.000-07:00

You probably think you’ve already sold everything you own that had any financial value. But chances are, you’ve still got a few possessions that you can really cash in on if you auction them off on eBay.

Unlike a garage sale, eBay keeps personal interaction down to a minimum and spares you the shame of alerting the neighbors that you’re broke. EBay sells everything from baseball cards to virginity to Korans etched into the head of pins. And even in this economy, there always seems to be someone out there who wants to buy them.

So take a look around you with a fresh eye. Maybe you have a potato that looks like Abraham Lincoln (or Jesus on anything works). An old piece of ABC gum that was chewed by someone two degrees separated from Kevin Bacon. An ancient Roman coin dated 214 BC. A plot of swampland in Florida. A body part you're not using. Think outside the box.

Once you’ve decided on something to sell, how it’s presented is critical to the price you get. Writing the listing may be one of the rare instances in life where having writing skills can pay off.

Say you've decided to put one of your kidneys on the market. Here's the wrong way to list it:

One slightly used 45 year old kidney.

Opening bid: $9.99.

Shipping and handling: $86.95 in the US (first class mail).

In good working condition. Current owner has had no major illnesses or addictions since entering rehab in 1999. Kidney benefits from a calm lifestyle and a healthy diet rich in kidney beans. One of the best kidneys I've ever had. Will hate to part with it.

There are several glaring mistakes here. First of all, the subject line. The product has to sound enticing. Romance the kidney. Make it sound desirable. Secondly, anything over 40 years old should be referred to as “vintage” or “antique”. It sounds more appealing than “old” or “used”.

When listing a vital organ, humor is not always appreciated. Those in the market are generally in the mood for facts, not jokes. Lose the kidney bean comment. Potential buyers won't think you're serious.

Remember to include all important information (like your blood type). It’ll weed out responses from kidney shoppers who you’ll never be able to convert into buyers (unless you find a really dumb one). Make sure you leave no room for misunderstanding on your listing. Spell everything out. Clearly state your policy on returns and refunds.

The $9.99 opening bid seems a little low. Hospital expenses, missed work days and shipping costs must be factored in. If you don’t want to include the contingent costs in the opening price for fear of scaring off potential buyers, consider including them in the price of shipping. The added advantage of this method is the shipping and handling costs aren’t taxed.

Honesty is good, but the 1999 rehab mention could be handled more deftly. Give it a positive spin.

Photographs work better than illustrations. People think you're hiding something if you don't post a photo.

Make sure your words inspire action.. The more urgent, the better. Phrases like "I'm going to hate parting with it." raises doubts and nobody really believes it anyways.

Here’s the right way to list your kidney:

WOW! One rare vintage kidney—in flawless working order!

Opening bid: $9.99

Shipping and handling: $9,999,999.99

Highly sought after o+ blood type. Kidney underwent renovation and refurbishment in the 90s, so it’s like new!!! One look and you won’t be able to live without it!!! Left or right kidney available. Hurry, before it's too late. No returns, exchanges or refunds.

Get a taste of the good life.

2009-03-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

Just because you have no cash or valid credit card doesn't condemn you to a steady diet of ramen and potatoes. You can still indulge your taste for organic produce, ethically raised meat and fish, artisanal bread, cheese and chocolate.

No, I’m not advocating dining and dashing (except on special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries.) Nor am I suggesting we return to the old ways of hunting and foraging for sustainence (a practice frowned upon in urban areas and often referred to as “stealing.”) This may seem counterintuitive, but poor people in the know go to Whole Foods. Not to shop, mind you. They make a meal of the lavish, liberally placed samples.

Sure, there are other places that offer delicious samples, I’ve tried them all. Costco’s may be varied and tasty, but they’re mass produced and of questionable origin. Farmers markets are seasonal, limited to once a week, and hard to get enough for a full meal. Trader Joes' disappoints with limited choices and erratic service and quality --one day the mushroom risotto is ready in it's little cup, steaming and perfectly al dente; the next, you have to wait five minutes for a mediocre chicken biriyani.

For quality and convenience, nothing beats Whole Foods. It’s got everything from meat to fish to fruit to cheese and even vegan offerings. It’s like the antipasto course at Trattoria della Arte in NYC without the art, décor, aspiring model waiters and bill.

Start at what I call the cocktail and hors d'oeuvres section, which is right past the cash registers. Sip a berry/green tea drink and nibble on salmon salad on crackers while exchanging warm banter with the lady passing out the samples. When sipping from the tiny paper cup, I try to maintain an air of elegance by keeping my pinky extended.

The menu changes often, so it’s always good to peruse the offerings before making a choice. You can’t go wrong with the assiette du fromage, which is offered daily. I also recommend stopping by the prepared food counter and asking for samples of the broccoli, coleslaw and grilled veggies, especially on days when spinach dip just isn’t going to cut it in the roughage department.

Whole Foods is open for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Dress is casual, but shirts and shoes are required. You can dine in, but take out is also available if you remember to line your pockets with plastic bags or get paper plates from the salad bar.

Bargain hunting tips for corporate execs.

2009-03-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

It's really not fair that we're so outraged at the shopping habits of corporate executives. After all, aren’t we applying our cultural standards on people to whom they're totally alien? Unlike most of us, they've never had to learn how to find a product at a fair and reasonable price. Unscrupulous merchants are taking advantage of their ignorance. Instead of outrage, don't they deserve our compassion and guidance? Let me be the first to extend the olive branch to corporate America with a few hints on how to save millions on basic necessities.
BATHROOMS AND PLUMBING
It’s an easy mistake for a cloistered wall street executive to think that installing an $80,000 18th century commode in your office suite is a reasonable, cost-efficient way of dealing with pressing lavatory needs. You probably weren't even aware that there’s a restroom down the hall. Or maybe you were aware, but don’t have a Segueway to transport you.

There are quite a few other options if you really feel you can't conduct business without a toilet in your office. And the prices start at $5.49 (for a pooper scooper and roll of plastic bags). My recommendation is the Excret 4200 at $159.00. It also doubles as a chair, so you can auction off your current $20,000 Louis Quatorze desk chair at Christies.

The total possible savings are $99,994.51. While that may seem like small potatoes to you in the scheme of things, remember, every little bit helps. At the very least you'll be able to take yourself out for a decent lunch.

Stylish alternatives to living on the street.

2009-03-21T11:39:00.000-07:00

Just because you’re totally broke doesn’t mean you have to abandon the dream of living somewhere spacious, beautiful, architecturally important and very expensive. I'm talking about living under a bridge.

The right bridge can provide excellent shelter as well as reflect your taste and status. And unlike your current housing set up, a good bridge comes with access to free running water, weekly janitorial service and maintenance, not to mention public transportation virtually right outside your front door. The ubiqutous tollbooths make living under a bridge the closest thing to a gated community you can get for $0/month.

Here are some examples of what's available around the country:

New York City: Pre-war classic.. This 3460 foot granite and steel suspension bridge offers spectacular views of Manhattan and Brooklyn. Easy access to the arts, fine scavenging, upscale shoplifting as well as some very nice parks and public spaces. Built in 1883, for 18million dollars (which was nothing to sneeze at back then), the original details are still intact, a little TLC will make it sparkle. Perfect location for Wall Streeters.
Florida: Post modern masterpiece. 29,040 feet of steel and concrete, the sunshine skyway bridge is for those who like their clean spacious design with a little edge. Completed in 1987 this beauty offers classic suspension construction coupled with dramatic details and views of Ft. Lauderdale and Bradenburg. With several golf courses nearby, year around sunshine and easy access to decent healthcare in the Caribbean and Mexico, this is an excellent place to retire.

Northern California: Views, views, views.. no matter where you're standing on this 8981 ft icon of steel and concrete, you'll have a spectacular view (except when the fog rolls in). Designed by Robert Straus in 1937, the Golden Gate bridge is now one of the most coveted pieces of real estate in America. Residents enjoy nature in the nearby Marin County public spaces as well as partake in the lavishly filled dumpsters in the city.

Chesapeake Bay: $200 million marvel of engineering.The Chesapeake Bay Bridge is the bridge equivalent of the Neverland ranch. A massive 89760 feet of steel and concrete, it dips over and under open waters with a complex chain of artificial islands, tunnels and bridges. This 200 million dollar futuristic wonder spans four separate states, convenient for anyone anticipating trouble with the local authorities.

Minnesota: Charming 19th century fixer upper. If you prefer rustic charm to grandeur and don't mind cold winters, this could be the bridge for you. The Archstone Bridge in Minneapolis consists of 2176 feet of native granite and limestone. Converted from a railroad bridge in 1965, 26 well-placed arches add character and warmth. As a pedestrian bridge and historic landmark, it's a great place to panhandle --just think, no more commuting!

A guide to world bridges for impoverished expats is coming soon. Suggestions and recommendations are always appreciated.

The latest "must-have" item.

2009-03-09T11:03:00.000-07:00

Perfect for multi-tasking, the potato serves as a vegetable, a complex carb, a useful arts and crafts tool, entertainment, breakfast, lunch, dinner, a source of potassium and other vital vitamins and minerals. Chic-ly packaged in a discreet brown wrapper, the potato is one of the few things left you can buy with spare change or foodstamps that will give you any pleasure. Designer models in red, blue, and gold are also available. Find out more about the potato’s many applications, including recipes and tips.

Taking your life back from creditors.

2009-03-06T14:42:00.000-08:00

Say you've been paying Citichaseamexbofa 700.00 a month for the past eight years. Despite the fact that you’ve charged nothing on the card since 1999 and have paid them over twice the original debt, your balance has essentially remained the same.

Say you wake up one morning and decide that in keeping with the new austerity, you’re going to stop wasting your entire unemployment check on the mindless hedonistic pleasure of protecting your precious credit rating (like it’s not shot already). This month, you're going to try eating, and maybe splurge on something crazy like health insurance. So you stop paying your credit card bills.

Now they're calling you 8 to 10 times a day and you're cowering in the corner every time the phone rings because you know they’ll threaten to ruin your life by denying you the dream of homeownership and deeper debt. It’ll go on your record forgodsakes. You’ll be a pariah. Probably even in the afterlife. You're doomed.

Okay....take a deep breath. Take a moment to appreciate the irony. Citichaseamexbofa is on their 3rd bailout with 33% of the money you made when you were making money and you’re begging them not to ruin YOUR credit rating? Time for an attitude re-adjustment.

While your predadators may appear bigger and stronger with their fancy phone banks in Asia to torment you, their position is as precarious as yours. Sure, you may feel like the hunted, but what’s really going on is a waiting game --who will go down first, you or them?

So next time they call, answer the phone. While you’re on hold, use the time to brace yourself with steely reminders that you’re the boss, not them. Try to ignore the fact that they've got you listening to muzak even though they called you.

Keep a clear head. When a human finally comes on, remember they're just doing their job. They have a college degree and the only reason they’re working at a phone bank harassing people is to earn enough money to avoid being harassed themselves.

Once they've listed your payment options, politely but firmly tell them you’re giving them one last chance to make you a FAIR offer. Otherwise, they won’t get a cent and you’ll be referring the case to the Attorney General and Department of Thrift. Suggest that if citichaseamexbofa has been banking on you paying them 10 grand a year for the rest of your life only to pass on the same debt you started with to your successors, maybe you can get a package deal on chapter 11 lawyers.

Keep repeating this to the 29 people you get transferred to (think of it as an audio tour of Asia). After several hours and dozens of repetitions, you’ll finally get someone who will put your ever growing interest rate, penalties and phone calls on hold while they delve into your history and try to find a resolution.

That gives you a couple of days to cash in your remaining assets, get a new identity, and get out of town.

Identifying job opportunities and growth markets in the US.

2009-03-01T12:34:00.000-08:00

Crime. Crime offers some of the best job opportunities in the United States at this point in history. Crimes with news value are the most lucrative (stalk a celebrity, shoot someone's wife). Even a misdemeanor can be highly profitable if you choose your crime wisely. Best case scenario, with a little smart publicity, you'll have a book deal and reality show in no time. Worst case scenario, you'll have free room and board for 6 months to life.

Non-profits. Non-profits can be particularly profitable in places like Northern California where wealth, hedonism and guilt still run rampant. It's relatively easy to start a non-profit and assign yourself a hefty salary (much easier than getting unemployment or health insurance). All you need is a mission statement and you're on the way to getting grants and donors. Take special care in crafting a statement that promises to serve yourself without sounding self serving. For example: in my case, instead of stating that my mission is to eat, I put it in a context that makes me the victim of some social crime. Thus, the mission becomes "To feed and clothe women who used to get jobs because they were cute, but now they're not cute any more". Or say your mission is to go buy a villa in Hawaii: your mission statement would be "to provide economic stimulus and cultural exchange with indigenous Americans in remote regions." Congratulations on your new career and avocation!

Religious icons Even in a recession, God-loving people would rather spend money on ridiculously expensive toast, rocks, vegetables, logs, etc with images of Jesus and the blessed virgin on them than feed and clothe their families. Look for these images in everyday items you've got lying around. If you have problems finding them, try a mild hallucinogenic. If you find a holy image on an object you can't sell, like a watermark on your ceiling, an oil stain in your driveway, or a crack in the bridge you sleep under, you might want to consider selling healing tours and pilgrimages. On the downside, pilgrimages and tours won't be the source of a huge windfall or pay off your entire Citicard bill. On the upside, they provide a steady income which is beneficial for those with poor financial planning skills. Selling tours also presents lucrative merchandising opportunities.

Leadership jobs in the GOP If you have absolutely no skills or experience at anything useful and no desire to learn, you might want to consider working for the GOP. They sorely need strategists, front men/women, speechwriters, speechmakers, senate, congress and presidential material and are willing to consider anyone. Salaries are high and perks are lavish, including high visibility, designer wardrobes, free private jet flights and luxury travel to promote peace in the middle east.

Careers in debt collection and repossession are booming . A smart career option anywhere in the country, the Southern states boast the highest salaries in the country. The only drawback is you’ll have to put up with being shot at. Small price to pay for a decent wage.

Become a bankruptcy lawyer. Bankruptcy law is probably the most recession proof career out there. The way the current laws have it, you can’t declare bankruptcy without paying a lawyer $5,000 to file for you. In fact, it may be one of the few industries that won't need to be bailed out in the future. The only catch is, when the economy picks up in a decade or two, you'll probably have to find another career. But by then, you'll have made enough money to retire comfortably (as long as you don't invest it).

The most secure places to put your remaining assets.

2008-12-07T14:09:00.000-08:00

Unless all your worldly assets are tied up in cashmere sweaters, Prada or food, chances are, you’ve lost at least lost 40% of your net worth. And no matter where your remaining assets are, you’re probably also deeply in debt. Your main concern right now is to protect what little capital you have left

Some say keep it in the market; now is no time to sell. They argue that sooner or later it’ll go back up again. Aside from the obvious question of whether the upturn will happen in this millennium, what if some emergency expense pops up when the market is at its most volatile? You could wind up selling your entire portfolio to buy a tank of gas when technically, a tank of gas should really cost you half your portfolio. Or what if the market crashes and burns completely, leaving you with no pension and a worthless portfolio?

Some people still prefer the “security” of a large institution for their remaining assets. Most banks offer FDIC protection for deposits under $100,000, so even if the bank goes under, the insurance covers your $100. That’s providing the insurance company doesn’t go under, of course.

You may want to do a rudimentary check to make sure your chosen bank won’t be melting down soon. Extensive research, Googling and common sense should be your guide. My general rule is if a bank has recently sent me a pre-approved credit card offer, they’re a poor risk and will likely go under soon. What kind of idiotic company would extend credit to me? That probably eliminates every bank you’ve ever heard of.

Many banks won’t accept deposits of less than $100. Those that do tend to get a little uppity when presented with a deposit in 20 lbs of rolled pennies. You might get a little more respect and service from a piggy bank, without the fees.

Speaking of fees, if you decide to go the bank route, you must be vigilant. If you’re not paying attention, your $100.00 deposit could become a negative balance in a matter of months. Be prepared to spend at least two working days a month scouring your statements and balances with a fine tooth comb, and then another two working days trying to find the person to talk to, who will return the $44.00 in hidden fees to your account. In other words, you should really be unemployed to make having a bank account a sensible option for your remaining assets..

Which leads to another tried and true option: the mattress. The pros of the mattress are obvious: Unlike a bank account, when you put your money into a mattress, you know you’re also getting a service—a place to sleep. And unlike a bank account, you won’t wake up one morning to find that half your money is missing in service fees (unless you shop in your sleep) .

But the lack of portability can also be considered a plus. Since you can’t carry your mattress around like a debit or credit card, you’ll find it harder to impulsively fritter your life savings away on a mocha frappucino and ant traps.

But in these troubled times, we should be considering new places to put our assets rather than resorting to methods that have been used in the past. Here are a few thoughts:

Stuff it in your bra. If you’ve ever considered breast implants, this could kill two…no, three birds with one stone. If you’re over 40, you can be certain that nobody will ever touch your money but you. And it’s one of the few places left where you have the hope of getting a return on your investment. Rumor has it, that’s where Dolly Parton keeps her assets and even in a lousy economy, they seem to be growing.
If you happen to be male, apply the same concept to your pants.

Diversify—Keep some under the couch cushions, some in various pockets, briefcase, glove compartment, use some as bookmarks. This way, you’ll never lose everything and you get to experience the elation of finding five bucks in your pocket every now and then. It may be the only source of joy you have left.

Buried in a jar in your back yard (if you still have one). It’s safe, cheap and jars are portable. If you must flee the premises suddenly, the jar won’t hinder your escape, unless you can’t remember where you buried it. Make detailed notes or a map.

Booze and guns. Statistics show that even in the deepest darkest depression, booze and guns are always in demand. Stock up while the price is still low and sell when demand peaks. This may be one of the few places to put your money that could earn dividends. And if not, you still have the booze and guns to comfort you.

Finding relief in public restrooms

2008-11-20T14:02:00.000-08:00

Remember the good old days when buying staples like ipods and $60 miracle lip plumper went without thinking?

Understandably, it's a bit of a shock to find yourself standing perplexed in the dry goods aisle calculating which toilet paper brand comes out best on a cost per sheet basis, factored with the ply and estimated absorbency ratio. Quilting isn't even an option.

Here’s a little known secret to help you cope: there’s unsecured toilet paper, paper towels, light bulbs and possibly even soaps, fine linens and spare change out there that are yours for the taking. You just need to keep your eyes open and plan ahead. And by plan ahead, I mean carry a large empty bag with you at all times.

Sadly, the genteel practice of laying out fine linens, soaps, perfumes and lotions with an attendant and change dish in public restrooms is dying fast. A few hoity-toity clubs you can no longer afford to join and Belgium still have these amenities.

If you're lucky enough to be visiting a hoity-toity club or Belgium, distract the attendant, by making horrible sound effects while in the stall. When she's checking out the damage, shove everything in the bag and run. Chances are the attendant will be too old to catch you. And since most restrooms aren't equipped with alarms, you'll have no problem getting away with your Bounty, Charmin or Scott).

The bright side of living in an restroom attendant-free society is that stocking up on the basic staples (ie: TP, light bulbs) is a breeze.

If you're a stickler for quality, your best bet is four and five star hotels. If you’re near one, stop in. Enjoy the interior design, watch the people, use the bathroom. Take all the toilet paper you can from the stall and put it in your bag. If nobody is around, repeat the procedure in every stall and proceed to the paper towels, or luxurious hand linens if the hotel is four or five star. (guide to free luxury products from hotel maid carts, spas and gyms coming soon.)

If the light bulbs in the rest room are compatible with your fixtures, take them. If they're not compatible, take the fixtures as well. Always make sure to turn off the lights for several minutes before attempting to take bulbs. If you're in a hurry, wear gloves or pot holders which will also help if you're worried about fingerprints.

If you don't live near any luxury hotels, you can make due with gyms, libraries, hospitals, museums (go on the day admission is free), police stations…virtually any public facility. Don’t feel guilty. You paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxes over the years. The least you could get out of it is a little free toilet paper. It’s not like you’re asking for a $700 billion bailout or anything.

If you have friends who still have jobs, visit them at their office. (detailed guide to fabulous free items from office kitchens and supply rooms coming soon).You wouldn’t believe the riches you can find in an office restroom. Possibly even tampons, depending on the industry. Forget any moral qualms you might have. Chances are your friend works for some huge multi-national corporation that has received millions in tax breaks and incentives and is about to fire your friend to help with their bottom line despite the huge amounts their executives get paid in salary, perks and bonuses. Dick Cheney is probably a stockholder in the company. Take everything that's not bolted down.

If you're anything like me, you've probably spent most of your life avoiding public restrooms. But once you open your mind and eyes, you'll realize opportunity is everywhere. Seize it. Just make sure nobody is watching.

Warning: Do not attempt if you have a wide stance.

An undervalued asset in tough times

2008-11-12T11:51:00.000-08:00

In a volatile economic market I can think of no better cushion (aside from cash) than duct tape. And the good news is, you probably already have some lying around from when you stocked up after 9/11.

Aside from it’s obvious usefulness as an anti-terrorist tool, duct tape is one of those simple products that fulfill a wide variety of needs, (kind of like cheap vodka).

Naturally, it serves all the adhesive functions more costly Scotch and masking tapes do, but because of it’s strength, duct tape does so much more.

This invaluable tape seals your home, refrigerator box, tent or garbage bag from inclement weather and noxious fumes. But that’s only the beginning.

It’ also can be used to fix shoes, coats, hems and handbags. And if your “vintage” Pradas are beyond repair, you can use duct tape to fashion a brand new pair of flip flops.(click for guide to making flip flops out of duct tape)

If you’re loathe to carry your worldly possessions in generic shopping bags, use this miracle tape to repair the tears in your old Hermes, Gucci and Prada shopping bags. Or try making your own personal statement with a handmade duct tape bag. Use it to waterproof the sofa that someone threw out on the street. You can even make a wallet if you’re feeling lucky. Go crazy, metallic is in. (click to learn more tricks with duct tape)

Duct tape can also substitute for thousands of dollars in cosmetic procedures and expensive foundations and undergarments.

For example, if you’re noticing a little sagging along the neck and jowl lines, simply pull the lose skin behind your neck and duct tape it back there. Use this method for whatever parts are sagging (ie breasts, buttocks, underarms and thighs. Hint: shave the area you affix the tape to in order to avoid unnecessary pain should you ever decide to remove the duct tape.

In short, duct tape is probably one of the few investments you made over the past 10 years that’s worth anything today. There’s no better time to reap the dividends.

Finding your next set of wheels

2008-11-10T16:59:00.001-08:00

art by deb lucke
Chances are, if you’re not in the market for a shopping cart right now, you will be soon. This guide should help you find the cart that’s right for you.

FAMILY-SIZED AND ECONOMY:
Costco shopping carts
Costco carts are humongous and totally lacking in style. But that’s part of their charm. In fact, it's the only part of their charm. Two-toned in black and grey steel, the design is no-nonsense--boxy and utilitarian. Made to shlep almost a ton of your most important belongings, even the 60 inch plasma TV you can’t bear to part with. Ergonomics are mediocre. A highly placed handle bar could contribute to shoulder and neck problems with continued use. The wheel system is primitive, yielding a rather bumpy ride. All in all, not a great choice unless you're a hopeless pack rat.
Target shopping carts
Target carts are sleek, shiny and well-designed. Metallic silver with accents of red, somehow these carts possess a sporty air that belies their massive size. Steel wheels and well maintained turning valves guarantee a smooth ride. A flap down child seat makes this the perfect cart for people with families who haven’t lost their style. Rumor has it, next years model will have a tin cup holder.

MID-SIZED:
Safeway shopping carts
A solid cart that holds a lot of stuff. Silver all over with particularly wide grids, Comes in a choice of Red or Blue plastic accents. it’s not the most efficient vehicle for transporting smaller items like jewelry and tchatchkes and cosmetics which can slip through the holes, but it’s great for larger objects like your shoes, purses and wintercoats. Theres a foot bar near the base on the drivers side that makes it particularly fun for popping wheelies.
Albertsons shopping carts
Frankly, these are the Pinto of shopping carts. It’s not that they’re unattractive. They’re well designed from a esthetic point of view. But practically speaking, they’re one of the reasons Albertsons are closing all over the country. The wheels don’t turn properly, they’re imbalanced and are always getting stuck. Particularly in the ice cream section. But even if they were driveable, these carts were obviously designed by someone who only uses shopping carts for groceries. The size and inner design ensures that everything in it, from your aquarium, to your wardrobe to 20 pounds of old newspaper are always cramped.
Lucky shopping carts
While owned by Albertsons, the Lucky logo on your shopping cart shows that you have both style and a keen sense of irony. Design-wise ithere’s nothing flashy about these carts. They’re your basic middle of the road, well constructed, durable cart. They have got plenty of room and the ride is smooth. A nice ergonomic touch, the hand formed rubber handles provide an exceedingly comfortable grip. On the downside, these carts are prone to rust, so you have to be careful to keep them out of the rain. Not recommended for Pacific Northwest dwellers unless they have a second cart.

LUXURY AND HYBRIDS
Trader Joes shopping carts
Neither luxury or utilitarian, a Trader Joe's cart is the rare hybrid that’s both practical and sporty. The lines are jaunty and clean, it comes in a hot fire engine red, the wheels are aligned so it corners like a dream. And while the cart is compact and agile, it carries a lot of stuff. The best of all worlds.

Whole Foods shopping carts
Definitely the status cart of the bunch. Sleek stainless steel design with forest green accents. Ergonomically designed handles and baby seat. But like so many coveted vehicles, the Whole Food cart has some fatal flaws. The wheels have a tendency to stick, which makes running from the law or creditors problematic. Such thoughtless engineering is all the more unforgivable considering that shopping at Whole Foods helped you go broke in the first place.

Maintaining a social life while broke

2008-11-09T12:17:00.000-08:00

If you’re out of work, or about to be, there’s no better time to get your face out there and circulate. Not a pleasant prospect when you have stress induced cold sores, no clean clothes, haven’t showered in days and the two crowns you glued back in your mouth could fall out any minute because the Elmers isn’t holding. Understandably, you’re not feeling very sociable.
Buck up. There’s no better time in history to be broke, unpresentable and anti-social and still be viable socially and as an employee.

Think about it; with the internet, you can conduct all your significant relationships online, without any costly personal interaction.

Sure, proximity is nice. But face it, every time you leave your place of residence, be it hovel or storage container, it’ll cost you. Of course there’s the emotional toll of trying to look presentable. But the actual financial expense is what kills you. Last time I met a friend for coffee it cost me $76.00. Here’s the breakdown: hair dye 10.00, laundry 8.00, $40.00 for transportation ($5.00 for gas, $35 for the parking ticket); $15.00 for two coffees and a scone; $5.00 for the tiny tin of mints I couldn’t resist near the cash register; $12.00 for a box of godiva chocolates that were also on sale near the cash register -- 66% off, who can beat that? $4.00 for a copy of Allure magazine because it had an article about a miracle beauty treatment (the damn article was about sleep!!!), $75.00 for the pair of shoes in the window of the store next door to the coffee shop.

If you‘re in the mood for a little intelligent conversation and some sort of human connection without spending a cent, brew yourself a cup of Nescafe from the packet you stole from your parents’ hotel room when they were in town and let your fingers do the walking to huffingtonpost.com. There you can discuss the political implications of Sarah Palin’s wardrobe with like-minded intellectuals. Or try the AOL Middle East Affairs message board. You’d be amazed at the friendships you can forge arguing over who started 1967 war. No matter what your interest, Google is your new best friend.

To maintain your most important relationships, Facebook is a fabulous way to stay in touch with all your friends and family who won’t return your phone calls, but care enough to click a link. Imagine, without spending a cent on transportation, grooming, dining, drinking or even a phone call, you can be the first to know that Nick is bored with his job, Al has hemorrhoids (note to self, go to e-cards for appropriate, thoughtful condolence message), lots of people have cute babies and Mike is obviously having a mid-life crisis judging by his excessive use of emoticons. Imagine how much it would have cost to continue this kind of close interaction before the Internet? It would have been impossible.

Or say you’re in the market for a significant other. A few years ago, you would have had to spend countless dollars on grooming, transportation and blender drinks in order to find your soul mate. Now you can find true love on one of the myriad dating sites on the net.

Sure, sooner or later you’ll have to go out and actually meet the object of your affection. But considering that most Internet relationships fail when the couple actually meets, prolonging the courtship for as long as possible makes Internet relationships a win/win/win proposition. Think of the money you’ll save on doctor bills and condoms. One note: beware of sites that have video applications—the last thing you want to worry about is having your true love see you.

So a moment of appreciation to Al Gore for inventing the internet. Thanks to him, as long as you have your 76 Facebook friends, dozens of winks on Match.com and your three fans on Huffington Post, you'll never be alone.

Election note

2008-11-06T07:06:00.000-08:00

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the significance of the election and how it impacted people who're struggling financially.
Those who voted got free ice cream at Ben and Jerry's and a free coffee at Starbucks. Chunky Monkey and coffee make a well balanced, delicious breakfast.
God bless America.

Taking pleasure in the little things—a pep talk

2008-11-03T15:58:00.001-08:00

Sure, it’s a bummer not being able to soothe yourself with expensive toys, couture, gourmet delicacies or electricity any more. But look on the bright side. When you’re poor, you really learn to appreciate the simple things.

I’ll use an example from my own life. A moment of epiphany. One fall afternoon, before my car was repossessed, I parked hastily to pick up some free samples being passed out on the corner and returned to a piece of paper on my windshield. My heart stopped when I saw it fluttering in the wind.

My mind raced darkly as I approached the car. I thought to myself, ‘Dear God, if I just got a $40 parking ticket in order to get free samples of Fiber One cereal, shoot me now. I’m going to be so poor, I’ll have to eat the Fiber One. Why me? Life is so freaking unfair I don’t think I can bear another minute. I hate Fiber One.”

But before I could lapse into a deep depression, I reached under the windshield wiper, and saw it was only a handwritten note that said “nice parking, asshole. Fuck you!” A surge of joy and relief rushed through me that I can only liken to winning the Olympics or consuming eight Scharffenberger milk chocolate nibby bars in one sitting. I believe I might have even done a celebratory fist pump.

It was at that moment I realized, had I been solvent, the note would have brought me no joy at all. When I had money, I needed expensive, meaningless possessions to make me happy. But being poor, a scrawled, “fuck you” note” is like a gift from the heavens. Now imagine the potential bliss of an eviction notice or “Dear John” letter.

When you look at it this way, there’s so much to look forward to.

Know your healthcare options

2008-10-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

Fortunately, there are so many resources available on the web these days, you really don’t need a doctor.

Say you’ve got a stomach ache. Google it. Thousands of of websites dealing with stomach aches will come up. After hours of research and cross referencing, you’ll probably conclude you either have indigestion or cancer. Google indigestion and cancer. Read everything you can about their symptoms and cures. Delve into the heartwarming stories about indigestion and cancer. Learn which celebrities have had indigestion and cancer. Find out who their hairstylists are. Chances are by the time you’ve thoroughly researched the topic, your stomach ache will be gone.

But if the ailment persists through the diagnostic process, or worsens, you might want the option of seeing a doctor. Not so easy without health insurance, money or a non-maxed out credit card. This is where the government steps in to protect you, after all the years you've paid into the system. In some states, those in need can qualify for free health insurance for a specified period to be provided by the state or county of residence.

The application procedure is relatively simple.
1) Stand in line for one hour to make an appointment at your county health services office.
2) Fill out pages of forms divulging your deepest darkest secrets.
3) Stand in line for two hours in the bitter cold for an 8AM appointment along with 50 people who also have 8AM appointments.
4) Wait inside in a room with 50 other people for your 8AM appointment to start at 11AM.
5) Discuss your deepest darkest secrets with a stranger.
6) Wait six weeks.
7) Repeat the entire process one month later because they seem to have lost your paperwork.

You could qualify for six months coverage. You might want to consider becoming blind or pregnant in order to increase your chances.

The only catch with the state program is your plan will expire by the time a doctor will see you (if you haven’t died by then). Try to plan your medical emergencies well in advance.

Of course, there's always emergency rooms. They’re obligated by the law and Hippocratic oath to treat anyone who needs it. Just make sure not to bring any ID unless it belongs to someone else. And always act as though you have amnesia, even if your problem is a broken toe. This way, you won't be bothered by constant phone calls and threats from collectors that will make you wish your broken toe had been fatal.

For over the counter medications, see my shoplifting hints.

Helpful generic replacement suggestions for costly prescription drugs:
Xanax, Valium and other sedatives -- Vodka
Antibiotics -- Vodka
Prozac, Zoloft and other anti-depressants --Vodka
Codeine, Vicodin and other pain relievers-- Vodka

The top five places to be broke in North America

2008-10-30T18:17:00.000-07:00

Napa Valley, California—Lots of solvent people flock to the beautiful Napa Valley. But so far, it's a well kept secret among indigents in the know. The weather is temperate enough to sleep outdoors year round. The pace, leisurely. Hotsprings and fountains abound for bathing and laundry. Some of the country’s finest restaurants have dumpsters here, not to mention the culinary institute. And as long as you’re mildly presentable, the constant wine tastings ensure you’ll always be up to date on the latest crop of Merlots.

Wasilla, Alaska—Granted it’s cold up there, but if eating is important to you, it’s the easiest place in America to kill a cheap meal. One moose and you’re eating well for a year (click here for moose recipes). The frigid temperatures ensure you never have to worry about refrigeration. And rumor has it, anyone can move into the mayor’s mansion.

Beverly Hills, California—Great weather with the nation's highest quality garbage can content per capita. It’s also one of the few places in the world where no matter who you are, some reality show director could discover you and make you rich and famous beyond your wildest dreams. And you might even get a free facelift out of the deal.

Detroit, Michigan—If you can overlook the weather and would gladly give up any chance of employment in order to have a roof over your head, then Detroit just might be the place for you. Detroit has over 12,000 abandoned homes, and factories just waiting for someone with a loving touch to squat in them.

Anywhere in Mexico—It’s got great weather and a low cost of living. Almost any pharmaceutical drug you need is available cheap and without a prescription. You might even be able to pick up some work gardening and keeping house for your ex-cleaning lady, Carmen who moved back to Mexico and bought a house after she made a small fortune working for you in the 90’s.

Keeping up appearances--revising your beauty regimen

2008-10-30T10:47:00.001-07:00

Probably the most jarring thing about going broke is the effect it can have on your appearance.

Imagine the horror of realizing that those one inch grey roots you’re sporting aren’t going away and you can’t afford to continue paying Monsieur Groovy Pants 120.00 plus tips to fix it. Needless to say, the panic and loneliness are mind bending.

Or worse, imagine those doggone elevens between your eyebrows come back and you start to look as worried as you really are. What do you tell the children?

But poverty really doesn’t have to age you if you’re creative.

If you have scientific tendencies, you can always grow your own botulism toxin. In fact, you may already have some. Check any old jam and jelly jars in your refrigerator (if you still have one). Cans that are bulging can be good sources. (link to source that helps identify cans and jars that may contain botulism). (Link to self-injection tips)

Cut and dye your own hair. Give yourself some really heavy bangs if you feel uneasy using homemade botox.

Sure, it’s a little scary, dying your hair for the first time. But if you’ve watched a few episodes of “Shear Genius”, you probably know all you need to know.

Consider the advantages: Trying new things keeps you young; the rush of fearful adrenaline is exhirating (particularly now that you can’t afford coffee); styling your own hair is one of the few creative outlets you can afford to pursue (if you still own scissors). And the beauty of doing your own hair is, if you screw up, it’ll grow back, unlike your retirement account.

Which leads to the beauty and splendor of scarves. Chances are, you’ve still got a few designer scarves tucked away somewhere in the bottom of your drawer. Now’s the time to dig them out. In a pinch, an old pashmina or Ikea dish towel will do.

Here are a few examples of how a scarf can take years off your appearance:

A screwed up haircut can be camouflaged by creative use of the head scarf. (click for tips on head scarf wrapping that doesn’t make you look like a chemo patient, hippie or mammie).

Say you’ve finally scraped the last molecule from your $500 dollar Kanebo neck cream, and your neck is starting to resemble a sharpei, and you’ve already sold all your cashmere turtlenecks on ebay.

Of course, the scarf can also be used to mask other cosmetic issues such as deflating lips, the “elevens” between the brows, even crows feet and drooping eyelids. Use your discretion to determine how liberally you wish to apply your scarf. Always make sure the designer logo is in plain sight. It’ll make you look classier.

Considering real estate options

2008-10-29T14:59:00.000-07:00

Judging by the” for sale”, “for rent” and foreclosure signs that are now dotting the landscape with more frequency than Starbucks, I forsee a land with many empty houses and lots of people sleeping in the street. So buck up, you’re not alone.

And while it’s pretty depressing, it does present an opportunity. Once all these people get forced out of their homes, there will be lots of very nice places to squat. Keep your eyes open and be prepared to move in quickly.

But lets assume the worst…you won’t be able to find an available place to squat when you’re finally evicted from your residence.

If your car hasn’t been repossessed, it’s always an option. Maybe Ford had the right idea by making all those huge gas guzzling beasts. They may have driven us into bankruptcy, but they’re easily converted into real estate. You’ll be surprised at how many meals can be prepared using the cigarette lighter (will provide link to recipes that can be prepared with a car lighter). It may take hours to prepare a grilled cheese sandwich, but it’s not like you have a job anymore.

Or follow the innovative example of the impoverished Egyptians in Cairo who have converted a graveyard of ancient tombs into a bustling village. A lot of those tombs are probably nicer and more spacious than my NYC apartment. Some are even rigged to get free cable and wifi. Check to see if there are any nice Mausoleum communities in your area. If there aren’t, consider starting one.

There’s also the tried and true option of the refrigerator box. But remember, as demand rises, it’ll become harder and harder to trade up. This is no time to settle. Try to find that sub zero now, even if it takes a little longer. And when you find it, grab it without hesitation. There are several people already interested in you dream refridgerator box and who knows when you’ll find another one you like half as much.

If you have 100 bucks or so a month to spare, you might want to consider renting a storage container. 10x10 is enough for a bed and minifridge. Not recommended for anyone who suffers from claustrophobia, it’s a great option if you’re broke, but really need to live in a gated community

What to do for exercise now that you had to cancel your gym membership

2008-10-29T13:48:00.000-07:00

Look on the bright side. They’ll probably be repossessing your car any day now -- you’ll be getting lots of exercise walking everywhere.

If you’ve responded to your recent poverty by staying in bed, there are several easy exercises that are actually more productive while under the covers. Leg lifts are particularly useful if you’re under a heavy comforter or bed spread, strengthening and toning both the calves, thighs, buttocks and in some cases abs..

I know it sounds like hard work. But you'll thank me if something happens to draw you out of bed. You wouldn't want the firemen thinking you’ve let yourself go.

Shoplifting hints

2008-10-29T12:58:00.000-07:00

Shoplifting isn’t for everyone. If you’re young and not white, it’s probably risky, as you’re already under suspicion. But if you’re white, not talking to yourself, semi-respectable looking and over 40 (especially a female) ,nobody will be paying attention to you anyways, so the coast is clear.

As someone who has accidently shoplifted several hats simply because she forgot to take them off when leaving the store, my first bit of advice is, to put whatever it is you’re shoplifting on your head. Nobody will notice . Even with the price tag hanging out and the anti-theft alarm blaring.

Like any endeavor (and misdemeanor), you want to maximize your earnings. So be thoughtful in your shoplifting choices. Instead of shoplifting the generic brand of ibuprofen, always go for the most expensive brand name possible. Or say you need some aromatheraputic essential oils to help you with your depression. Instead of shoplifting the $3.49 citrus oil, go for the $34 ylang ylang. They both elevate your mood, but the ylang-ylang also elevates your theoretical earnings. In other words, shoplifting is no time to think about being frugal.

Choose your target. Don’t shoplift from the mom and pop stores. They haven’t ruined your life. Stick to companies listed on the DJIA. I find that righteous rage is essential to a successful shoplifting outing.

Keep it casual. It’s always best to shoplift right under their noses. Try to act a little spacey and distracted. Bettter yet, be spacey and distracted. Pay absolutely no attention to what you’re doing. Focus only on the products. If something catches your eye, pick it up. Since you’re so distracted, it wouldn’t be the least surprising if you absently put the Pixie lip plump gloss in #48 into your purse or jacket pocket. Who could blame you? Certainly not the security guard who’s flirting with a cashier.

The “duh manuver” is one of my favorite shoplifting techniques. If you’re actually buying a few things, put the most expensive, largest item, under your arm or in your hand in plain sight. Proceed through check out as if you don’t know it’s there. Nine out of ten times, the cashier won’t notice. In one instance, I got away unnoticed with a 15lb. bag of cat litter under my arm. And while that crystallized cat litter can really add up, I still regret not going for the Toshiba 30” flatscreen. Maybe next time.